I'm new here. Posted for the first time yesterday under OW stalking, harrassing. So far have gotten no response at all. I could really use to hear your advice, thoughts, comments. I'm still struggling every day with what my H & OW did but getting better. Setbacks come up fairly often though. Had kind of a rough time getting to sleep last night - those images again - will they ever go away??? H tries so hard to reassure me and prove his love. He has initiated no contact with her since last November and has not spoken with her at all since Jan., 2002. I think if the psycho would ever leave us alone I could eventually get past this. It's been over since last November for God's sake! Please read OW Stalking Harrassing and give me your thoughts, comments, support, anybody???

Almost - just wanted to tell you you aren't being ignored. I'll read your post and respond more fully when I get a few minutes. In the mean time, start reading all the info you can absorb starting with the MB Home page. Also order two books by the Harleys, His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair.

Back to you soon.

I know how hard it is to seek answers but no one responds. Your self esteem was rocked. The OP gave up everything for a future that can't be. WS picked you but somehow it is not enough because you trusted them and they betrayed you. How will you ever be sure <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

WS is there and wants you. That's a fact.
No contact pledge on their part is essential and what we all long for.
Trust your heart and the facts. Don't let your emotion run the what if track. One day at a time.

OK Almost There - your problem is different than most here - count your blessings for that - but it's not unique.

Let's assume for the minute that your H is being truthful and your marriage is well on the way to recovery.

The problem with the former OW is one that many here wish they had. If nothing else, her behavior ought to provide a constant reminder to your H that what he did was a HUGE mistake and now your family is paying part of the price for it.

But enough is enough, right?

I'm no expert in this area, but I see you have two options: Ignore her and put up with the stalking until she gets tired of it or consult an attorney and take some sort of legal action in addition to what has already been taken. In the meantime, do not respond to her in any way because this is what she wants - a response.

But we'd like to hear about something WAY more important: what are you two doing to heal your marriage? What are you doing to prevent another affair by either your H or you?

WAT

Worthatry and RNROSCOE, thanks for your reponses. Guess an attorney/restraining order might be an option. H and I thought about this but to date have not contacted an attorney - not sure if it would do any good. She has nothing, materially, so not sure she would fear legal action in the form of monetary retribution. Obviously she's not afraid of going to jail as she's already spent two days there due to this same behavior. (Maybe a few months might do some good???) We've tried ignoring her for months at a time, not giving any response, leaving phone unplugged for days, etc., etc. Doesn't seem to help. Her tenacity amazes me! I think it's a vindictive thing now. She doesn't want him anymore, she just wants to get back at me. She thinks it's a game and I won and now she's angry at me. There is a new development to report though. She made several calls to my house one night last week from her cell phone and failed to block the number. The next day I dialed the number and it was definitely her voice that answered. I called Sheriff's office yesterday and they sent a deputy out. He checked out the number on my Caller ID and phoned her. She answered when he called her by name. He told her a complaint had been filed against her and that she needed to come to the station and answer some questions and if she didn't show an arrest warrant would be issued for her. (Don't think she knows there's already a bench warrant for her not showing up for her court date.) Deputy said at the very least he can write her another summons AND if there's room at the jail (for misdemeanor's) he can hold her on the bench warrant. She would not be released until the judge can see her - no bonding out this time. I could hear some of what she was saying to the deputy and she sounded pretty shaken up. She has not called at all since yesterday morning (usually calls 10-15 times a day). I tried to call the deputy this morning to see if she came in yesterday but he's in a class today. My guess is that she did not come in. But will letcha know when I know.

Worthatry, as far as it really being over I know it is. Husband and I work together now at our family business. We rarely spend time apart, I would know if he'd had any contact with her. Besides, she did manage to contact him a couple of times back in January and he immediately told me every time. He wants her out of our lives as much as I do.

Almost There - OK, good.

But what are you doing to improve your marriage? Hint: spending almost all your time together isn't enough. Did you root out all your problems? Did each of you make improvements? Do you practice radical honesty?

Bottom line, you might not be Almost There.

WAT

Almost,

Just my opinion; but unless you feel danger from the OW I wouldn't allow her to be an issue. I wouldn't even acknowledge her existence or spend any time or energy on her. It may simply be feeding her tenacity, even though it seems counter-intuitive.

Hopefully, you are spending time on your R with your H so that you can grow from this experience. WAT makes that point in the questions he's asking you. And that's really what the forum is valued for. Rebuilding marriages whenever possible.

Don't let the OW distract you from that; for I believe that is her hope. CSue

Hey thanks guys. I was going to answer that earlier but got called away from computer for a bit. H & I have had many deep conversations since all of this occurred - deep exploration of the issues. He has answered all my questions (most more than once) with what I feel is total honesty. Communication seemed to a be a part of the problem and is much improved. I think he felt disconnected from me and when the opportunity presented itself he did not consider me. It made him feel good in the beginning and he just went with it. He was compartmentalizing, at least in the beginning. Then he said it suddenly became "crystal clear" to him that he had made a huge mistake, that he did not want to lose me, our marriage but by then it was too late, he had crossed the line. He said he laid awake many nights trying to figure out how to erase it. Said he even thought of killing himself or her to make her go away. (I told him that would have been the worst thing he could have done.) He was so sure I would leave him if I found out. We have vowed to talk about ANYTHING that is bothering either of us from now on and not let it fester. Despite what he did, I now consider him my best friend in the world and he says I am his. He has opened up to me a lot about his emotions and childhood issues, feelings he says he has never opened up to anyone about. We are both children of divorce and have some issues there. He feels he has always struggled to
gain approval from both parents. I, on the other hand struggle with abandonment issues though I don't/won't allow myself to become a "doormat" because of it. We are working very hard to hold on to the nuturing, loving, passionate marriage we feel like we now have. I have read some good books such as "Passionate Marriage" and
"Surviving Infidelity". We had several appts. with a counselor which were somewhat helpful. All in all I think we are doing well considering what we've been through. This has been such a nightmare for us he says and I believe him that he has learned his lesson the hard way and that he will never do this to us again. As far as me doing this to him I don't think I am capable of that type of dishonesty or of putting anyone through the type of pain this has caused me/us. Thanks guys for listening to my problems and for your concern for our future. I have had so few people to talk to about this as we have pretty much tried to keep it to ourselves. I just couldn't stand the thought of everyone knowing and dealing with their judgement of him and of me for staying with him. Thanks again.

Almost There - congrats to you and Mr. Almost There. May you end up with a much better marriage than before.

Please consider participating in this forum for the benefit of others you may be able to relate to and help. Your experience would be invaluable to share. It would be especially helpful if your H would participate as a former WS. His insight would be greatly appreciated for both struggling BSs and for WSs trying to return from the "dark side." In the process, you each may learn more to help your recovery.

WAT