After I got home from work yesterday a mutual friend of my WH and mine called me to let me know that she saw my WH kissing OW in a restaurant parking lot. Of course I couldn't let it go knowing that my WH "needs time to ween her off of him". WH claims it was only lunch and they were just talking. I asked about the kiss and what part of weening was that. He then kissed me and told me that he loved me.

About 3am I began to cry. I am really at the end of my rope. WH woke up and asked what was wrong. I told him the decission was now mine. He made his choice. He chose to keep us both. I told him he had backed me in the corner and my choices were to tolerate his "relationship" and loose myself because that goes against everything I believe in or hurt him so deep that he may never recover but demanding he never have contact again if he wants me. I told him that I choose me. If he wants to continue contact with OW he must leave me until his decission was made. If she is the choice I can live with it but it is unfair to hold us both at bay. I need to get beyond the hurt.

Oh well, not much else to say. I don't really know which way he'll go. He says he will end it and that it is not that important. Only time will tell.
I know untimatums do not work but I made it very clear that our relationship could not continue with third party involvment.

RNROSCOE,

Who says ultimatums don't work?

Isn't that what we do when we set boundaries.....we say....this is what I need to make this work...if it doesn't happen then it won't work. It's a nicer way of saying it.....but it's an ultimatum none the less.

You apparently did the right thing for YOU....that is what is important.

I went through the same thing with my WH.

I finally got over it and started moving on with my life....since we were already seperated.

Before I would agree to even try to make our marriage work my H had to prove to me that I was the only one in the picture......that is just how it had to be.

Sometimes we have to start standing up for ourselves and quit caring about our WS's and their reactions.......they can take care of themselves.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I asked about the kiss and what part of weening was that. He then kissed me and told me that he loved me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Talk about avoiding the question. He pretty much admitted to doing it by his reaction.

Doesn't seem to me that that is a really productive way to END an affair.

One thing to keep in mind. YOU cannot end the affair for him.....and YOU can have no part in it....it needs to die a natural death....between the 2 of THEM....without YOU.

If you push for it to end there are more chances that it will likely continue somehow.

In the meantime....as you have posted....you have to decide if you are willing to wait for it to die a natural death.

<small>[ August 27, 2002, 09:15 AM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>

You're very couragous - more than I am in my current & vy similar situation. If you are happy with your plan A efforts, you are doing the right thing, definately.

hi RN --
I don't get to be here very often anymore, but I aways check for updates on your situation.

I think what you said and did was entirely appropriate.

Your H has been a fence-sitter, cake-eater -- whatever you want to call it. And its been going on for wayyyyyyy too long.

You're just simply sitting there letting him tear apart your self-esteem. There is no situation more disrespectful than the one you are in.

I really admire the way you are thinking right now. You do not have to sit there letting him call all the shots. Obviously he likes where he's at. Its time for you to control your own destiny. You do not have to wait for him to come to his senses. (That may never happen)

Be strong!!!

(((Hugs))))

e-mail me at lexxxy64@hotmail.com if you'd like to talk on the phone sometime!

I really appreciate everyones support. I feel better that I got it off my chest. I don't know what he will do but I will not sit back anymore. I really believe he wants out marriage but doesn't have the guts to make a choice in case it doesn't work out. At any rate I told him that if I am not the choice I will live with it. Anything is better than this.

I am a little unsure how to proceed. Do I believe him if he says it is over? How long should I wait? Should I go right to separation if he is not compliant? He says he will do it. I won't hold my breath. I am a little worried about the affair going underground again. I know I can't end it but should I insist on separating until it is over? Plan A or cold shoulder? So many questions so little time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

What a long time you've held on...I really applaud you and your courage. It takes a strong person to stay so long with a WS who won't fully commit. It also takes a strong person to leave that WS when the time is right.

You've been in Plan A a long time, but it may be time to move to Plan B. Only you can make that call in your situation, but it sounds like it may be the only way to keep your sanity and retain whatever love you have left for your WH. Some WS will never commit either way if they know they don't have to...they'll live in "limbo hell" forever rather than make a concrete decision, and will expect the BS to reside there with them. That gets to be too painful eventually, and the BS ends up making the decision for them. Do you think that's what your WH is waiting for? For you to make the decision for him?

Bless your heart. I hope you have a lot of love and support from your family and friends. I also hope some others have good advice for you here.

I wish you peace in your heart and in your home.

Lori

I think what you said was very brave and very appropriate. Wish I had the guts to do the same. I hope so much that he wakes up and sees the light.
Hugs,
layli

I thank everyone. I almost hope for now he picks her to give me a break <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Anyway, due to kids schedules, I did not see him yesterday at all. I was in bed before he got home with my older D. He did stay the night. I know that he realizes that I am dead serious. My only glitch is the next move. He said he would end it yesterday. I find that unrealistic due to the fact that he has no gut or else he wouldn't have been on the fence so long.

I spoke to the kids and told them what I requested of their father. I told them that it was my decission not his and that if I have to take it to the next level I will. They seemed to understand and all agreed that they are sick of the situation also and want to move on with or without their father. I explain that what he is doing is unfair to all parties involved because no one can resolve or move on. His choice is to stay status quo. That is unacceptable to me and goes against everything I believe in.

WS has big meeting in another city today. I'll probable see him tonight. At the risk of pushing too hard I will find out his decission.

To answer someones question(sorry I forget who asked it), I think he thought by staying with me as long as he did the OW would get the hint that he was not leaving his wife and loose interest. He is playing the waiting game so he does not have to take a stand and be the bad guy. The problem is that she gave up everything because she felt he would marry her. He does not want to marry her but he wants to keep her as a friend. WH said I have to accept that. WRONG Thus, my decission. No contact or no me. Take it or leave it.

I am tired, tired ,tired of living in this manner. Of course, I am not dillusional to think he'll tell me he did and maintain contact. I am prepare to go to the next step if he is not compliant.

My confidence and spirit is back <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Have to admire your decision. Your last response brought up a question I have. You have similar marriage length to mine,24 yr. and kids close to age. Mine 23D,20D,14D,12S, The older kids know about WH's A, but because he moved away from state before I found out, younger kids don't know. How did you tell your kids or did they just find out? I don't know what to tell the younger ones, even though the OW is supposedly living with him, I don't know what to say and he seems prefectly content not to tell anyone. Do you think the younger ones need to know and should I be the one to tell them.
Thank and good luck, I hope everything goes well for you. TOUGH TIMES. But stay strong.
S

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RNROSCOE:
<strong>He is playing the waiting game so he does not have to take a stand and be the bad guy. The problem is that she gave up everything because she felt he would marry her. He does not want to marry her but he wants to keep her as a friend. WH said I have to accept that. WRONG Thus, my decission. No contact or no me. Take it or leave it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're singing my song. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I had a conversation with my H a week and a half ago in which I basically laid all my cards on the table. This situation is affecting my health. I can't play the waiting game with him forever. He either ponies up with NC, or this leg of his triangle is off to form a line segment with someone else in the future.

My H has promised NC, but that letter he offered to write has not materialized. I don't think he's initiated any contact, but she has, and I wonder if he's waiting to see what she'll do before he does anything else.

I think for my H, where his Olympic class fence-sitting ran into trouble, was when I told him that I had copies of all their emails, and he finally had to face that I'd read the lies in black and white. He couldn't skirt the issue any more.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am tired, tired ,tired of living in this manner. Of course, I am not dillusional to think he'll tell me he did and maintain contact. I am prepare to go to the next step if he is not compliant.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Write that Plan B letter and keep a copy handy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

We all have our breaking points. Mine was realizing that the OW thought enough of her own marriage to cut way back on contact with my H while she was attempting to work on her marriage, but didn't think enough of mine to maintain that distance while we worked on ours after she gave up on hers. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I was no longer willing to continue in Plan A, while they lied to themselves and each other, and used me as bait for their growing relationship.

Plan B looks really good by comparison. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My confidence and spirit is back <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yay!

Take care of yourself, and let us know how things work out.

Mere

uteconf...
Unfortunately the older ones knew almost right away (heard us talking) and guessed who it was. My older son within 2 weeks confronted his father and they have not talk since. My OD tries to keep the peace. She is old enough to know what her father does is wrong, but young enough to want a daddy. My littlest didn't know for about 3 months. She heard a conversation when my WH blurted is out. About 1 hour later she was hysterical.

WH won't talk about it with they and when he does he blames it on me and you know how your mother gets. Guess people in glass houses should not throw stones.

I just tell them that is is between me and WS. I encourage them to talk about their feeling and reassure them that they have choices. ie they hate OW. I told them that no one can force them to be with her and that it is perfectly acceptable to just walk away. OW is very forward and abrasive. I think our view is better because WS vision of whole thing is screwd and full of half truths.

I have tried to explain why I let him treat me the way he does but now has come a time to take a stand. What he is doing is morally wrong. He is still their dad and they can love him but I do not have to put up with humiliation and disrespect.

I hope this helps. I know how difficult it is especially with teenagers and normal rebellion let alone this added stress.

Mere...
Actually I formulated a pre plan B letter. Want to see rough draft? Okay you're twisting my arm <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My dearsest ____,

I don't think I will ever love another person as much as I onced loved you. I don't think I will ever trust another persons much as I once trusted you.

I acknowledge the hurt I have inflicted on you and am deeply troubled by its lasting effect on your personality.

I know what I ask of you by ending contact with your confidant. You must be hurt and troubled by your dilema. But I wonder since it is so difficult to break it off with her, it may be easier to break with me. You care for me and love the life we created together. But the anger you hold in your heart for me may make this the best solution. I am not saying that it need to be permanent because you know I have never wanted to divorce but will if you desire it.

I have prepared the childre for this possibility. The understand that it is my decission because I can no longer tolerate the relationship. They understand that because of my health and principles that I need to take a step towards healing. The don't like what I am doing but have shared that they too are sick of the waiting game.

I hope you can understand my need for closure of some sort.

What do you guys think <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

RNR,
Thanks for the advice. God knows I feel for you, your letter sounds good to me, but I don't have any experience, that is best left to the long-timers. My 20yr.old d, was crying yesterday, because she thinks her dad does not love her and is not proud of her (didn't respond to her e-mail)
If he only knew what he was doing to those he professes to love so much. He can screw me over all he wants but why can't he see he has deserted our children.
As far as your Plan B'ing. I have not had too much contact with my WH lately. Not really a plan b, but close (I can't deal with the fact that 25Yr old OW is finally here with him from Romania). It has made it easier to focus on me, which I think there comes a point where we all have to do that. Plan A is so much about them, it is VERY HARD on us. Good Luck, try not to second guess yourself. The main thing is you are trying and no one (not even your WS) can ask for more, after all we are all human. Plan A & B almost require you to be super-human. Be proud of what you've accomplished so far and take joy in your family, it sounds like you have great kids as I do. Our WS don't know what they're missing. TOO BAD!!
Love to you,
S

S...
So sad what they are doing. My S says that his father thinks he is worthless. WH missed orientation for him. He kept looking at the door waiting for him to come. He never showed. S said to me later "He has time for him girlfriend but not for me". The my middle D gets blasted by him everytime she goes out. He teases her infront of boyfriend and says inappropriate things. He must be in control. My little on suddenly has started to overeat. Then he yells at her (he is at least 50lbs overweight). All his bad feeling and inadequacies for himself he sheds on my childrens.

Very sad but at least we are there to ground them. As bad as I want to bash him I don't. All I can do is control damage.

RNR,
Yes it is so sad, aggravating, awful. My two youngest have not really talked about this at all. YD wants to be happy all the time. S doesn't seem to understand. WH plays great dad when they come to visit, all fun and games but the 20 yr. old sees through, I think they all do. He doesn't dicuss anything with them, just told them he didn't think he was GOOD for me anymore.

My heart goes out to your kids, my stupid husband doesn't think the older kids NEED him as much anymore. HA. They are appalled at what their dad is doing, I think he thinks if he e-mails occasionally (very occcasionally, and they usually have to initiate) and spends money on them and pretends like everything is Hunky-Dory, it will be. But he was too much of a raunch to them while he was home and A was going on. He alienated himself from them. I often think that if he knew he was leaving for good (he did) that he would have made every effort in the last yr. he was home to bond with the kids. Well that did not happen.

Anyway, enough about me. Hug your kids for me. They will learn a lot about life from you. You sound like a great mom and person. Too bad that in his FOG your H can't see this.
S

<small>[ August 28, 2002, 10:08 AM: Message edited by: uteconf footballwidow ]</small>

RNR,
Yes it is so sad, aggravating, awful. My two youngest have not really talked about this at all. YD wants to be happy all the time. S doesn't seem to understand. WH plays great dad when they come to visit, all fun and games but the 20 yr. old sees through, I think they all do. He doesn't dicuss anything with them, just told them he didn't think he was GOOD for me anymore.

My heart goes out to your kids, my stupid husband doesn't think the older kids NEED him as much anymore. HA. They are appalled at what their dad is doing, I think he thinks if he e-mails occasionally (very occcasionally, and they usually have to initiate) and spends money on them and pretends like everything is Hunky-Dory, it will be. But he was to much of a raunch to them while he was home and A was going on. He alienated himself from them. I often think that if he knew he was leaving for good (he did) that he would have made every effort in the last yr. he was home to bond with the kid. Well that did not happen.

Anyway enough about me. Hug your kids for me. They will learn a lot about life from you. You sound like a great mom and person. Too bad that in his FOG your H can't see this.
S