I have been with my wife for over 11 years. We have been married just over 8 of them. We have 3 children, D-10, S-8, S-4. I have been a loyal father and more importantly husband. At no point have I ever desired to stray. At some point in my relationship I led my wife to believe that I would not be loyal. I am at my wits end. She is constantly accusing me of being unfaithful. I have a colleuge who is a great person, she is kind and caring. I have no attraction to her what so ever! My wife however continues to make accusational statements in regards to her. Like why don't you go spend time with (person's name)? This not only triggers an angry feeling, it hurts. This colleuge has been to our house, had us over for dinner and is alsways inviting us to do things with her, her H, and her kids. What can I do to assure my wife of my loyalty??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

In my first M, this was a problem from the beginning. The issue is not with you, it is with your W. This is nothing but a self esteem issue with herself. I never found a good way to deal with it.

LIHE,

Please, please seek out a good marriage counselor. Your sessions will allow you to re-assure her in a neutral environment, as well as perhaps getting to the bottom of whatever is causing her to feel that way.

One other thing... If a wife is uncomfortable with another woman being too close to their husband, it is YOUR obligation to go to whatever lengths it takes to re-assure her, including breaking off all contact with that other person. Her feelings may not be quite rational, but if she is having them, you would be wise to listen to her and do what she asks to re-assure her.

ST

I am so glad you found this website now. I used to be in your wifes shoes. I had a low self-esteem even though my husband told me I was beautiful. From my point of view, it may have been how I grew up, my parents divorced as a result of infidelity, I have watched my older brother ( who is still not married at 33, cheat on all of his girlfriends). I could never trust anyone, and if I seen anyone that even looked at my husband, jealousy would kick in.
Maybe it comes from your wife's past relationships, family upbringing, etc.

Go to the main page of this web site and click on the Basic Concepts link. Read about emotional needs, print out the questionaires for both you and your wife. Men and women show love differently to one another, find out how she wants to be loved. Normally a top one for women is affection. Why don't you take a few minutes right now to call a florist, have them send a dozen red roses to your wife today, tell her how beautiful she is, what a wonderful mother she is, how she is the light of your life.

After reading the basic concepts of Emotional Needs and Love Busters, I would highly recommend you and your wife to both read "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Unfortunately, even though your wife does not know it, she is performing a Love Buster when she throws these accusations to you.

ST,

I would break of all communication but, this person is someone I work with, short of quiting my job, I am unable to break off communication.

lihe:

Not a lot to go on in your post, but this caught my attention:

"At some point in my relationship I led my wife to believe that I would not be loyal."

How exactly did you do this? This might be very helpful to people on this forum who might be able to offer some advice.

"She is constantly accusing me of being unfaithful."

Again, more info would be helpful. This is one of the signs that a spouse might be having an affair themselves. I'm not saying she is, but it's something to consider.

"I have a colleuge who is a great person, she is kind and caring. I have no attraction to her what so ever!"

Except that you note that she's kind and caring! And I'm not saying you ARE attracted to her, but depending on how you describe her to your wife, SHE might get that impression.

"My wife however continues to make accusational statements in regards to her. Like why don't you go spend time with (person's name)? This not only triggers an angry feeling, it hurts."

Of course that hurts. So "combat" statements like that with something like "because I want to spend time with YOU." Channel your anger into something positive. Don't lash back.

"This colleuge has been to our house, had us over for dinner and is alsways inviting us to do things with her, her H, and her kids. What can I do to assure my wife of my loyalty???"

If it took not seeing this friend again, would you do that? It all sounds innocent enough, and maybe it is, but one of the Harleys' definitions of what constitutes an affair is "it's what your spouse thinks it is." Which leaves a lot to interpretation, of course.

It DOES sound like her self-esteem is low. People in that position are susceptible to having affairs themselves. So be careful, be loving, and do what you can to help her feel good about herself.

Take care,

Going Crazy,

Sounds like exactly the life my wife had growing up. Have you found a way to trust your H? We have done the EN questionaire? This was a whole other nightmare, as she read mine while I was not there to clarify.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lost in her eyes:
<strong>Going Crazy,

Sounds like exactly the life my wife had growing up. Have you found a way to trust your H? We have done the EN questionaire? This was a whole other nightmare, as she read mine while I was not there to clarify.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">well, my situation is a little different, my husband left me for another woman for 18 months with a full blown affair. Hopefully soon, we will start a full recovery.

But looking back, I wish we would have had the Harley principles in our marriage, I cannot tell you how important it is to adopt these concepts before its too late.

Yes, I had a low self-esteem, probably as a result of my childhood. I think that once you get rid of all Love Busters in your marriage and starting meeting all of her Emotional Needs, you will see improvement. Again, men and women see things in a different light. Both of you may not realize that you are performing Love Busters, I know I didn't think I was, until I read the book, I LB'd all the time!

I couldn't understand the EN questionaire question, were you asking if we had done one or were you stating that you have?

2long,

How exactly did you do this? This might be very helpful to people on this forum who might be able to offer some advice.

I think that I am trying to justify her actions, I don't honestly believe that I have given her this feeling. My mother did however, advise her to watch me incase I am like my father.

Except that you note that she's kind and caring! And I'm not saying you ARE attracted to her, but depending on how you describe her to your wife, SHE might get that impression.

I have only described her as nice, my W feels the same way, or so she tells me. She just uese her in her outbursts.

I love my wife, have no desire for anyone else, I tell her this on a daily basis. Last night, she says she wished I would find another woman. I don't understand this.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would break of all communication but, this person is someone I work with, short of quiting my job, I am unable to break off communication.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If your wife is uncomfortable with her, (and your wife is NOT having an affair) your continued contact with this woman will continue to cause problems.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Last night, she says she wished I would find another woman. I don't understand this.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is not good. I heard the same thing from my WW. Please check this thread:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000985.html

I hope I am wrong, but you need to know this.

ST

Lostinher...

You sound like a loving, caring H, and while you feel that your wife's "gut feeling" that you may be "cheating" is 100% off-base, her feelings deserve your total respect and attention. I think it would be reasonable for your to examine your behaviors, your boundaries with other women, and whether there is anything, ANYTHING AT ALL, that you are keeping secret from your W. Is there anything you avoid telling her, in order to protect her from becoming hurt or upset? Are you honest in telling her your needs or what you are unhappy with in the M? Do you have total openness and honesty in your M, as defined by the concept of Radical Honesty?

For my H and me, what really is relly helping to build my confidence is my H's acceptance of and willingness to begin practicing Radical Honesty, the POJA, and the Rule of Protection. What makes me feel safe is my H's willingness to show me, though his actions, that he has nothing to hide, that he cares about my feelings enough to consider them in everything he does, and that he is working actively to protect our M. Both of us are working to learn and practice these concepts and it is not easy to change and we make mistakes, but we are trying together.

Another thing that is helping is that he has examined his boundaries with female colleagues at work and determined that maybe they were too loose. He has set new, more professional, guidelines for himself, and is sharing more with me about his workplace relationships. This is a radical change for us.

Like your W, I too had issues of trust to begin with: alcoholic father who lied constantly and cheated on my mom, a family where the expression of honest feelings was not allowed, etc. My H's A, and the aftermath, was a double whammy because of my history and I didn't think that there was ANYTHING he could do or say that would help me to trust him. But I was wrong---we did not have honesty and openness in our M--one of my top EN's--and now I feel that we might be able to achieve it.

I don't know if any of this will help you and your W, but it may be worth exploring <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

p.s. Check out the following article to help you explore workplace boundaries:
http://www.hubbynet.com/emotionalinf.htm