Hi all,

I haven't been posting or even lurking that much lately. I had pretty much made up my mind that we were headed for plan D and that was probably the best for both of us. Was doing really well, until the other day I was packing and came across some wedding pictures, and I completely lost it. Probably doesn't help that two significant dates are coming up: 8/29 is his birthday and 9/3 our anniversary.

Brief update:
-House sold and will close on 9/25.
-I will be moving to apt. on 9/15.
-He is getting apt. this weekend with male friend he's known since middle school. Has been living with brother since 6/13.
-On 8/16 his cell phone bill came to the house, I opened it - thought it could be from old joint account. It was $400 - $120 overdue from last month, $280 from this month. Many long calls to/from OW, some very late at night. Strangely enough, seeing this didn't really upset me that much, just confirmed that nothing had changed.
-Separation agreement not signed yet. Finally agreed to file taxes separately for this year. As of Sunday, ball is now in my court to get my lawyer to make corrections and issue finalized agreement. Prior delays caused by H's lawyer (family friend helping him free of charge, so not a priority client.)
-Last week I was very moody (PMS probably contributed) and I didn't go to the gym at all, wasn't eating well either. Feeling better after long workout last night, but now not so ready to just move towards D.

Not sure where to go from here. Wondering if anyone else has gotten back together after selling the house they owned together. H not really showing any signs of changing his mind about D. Still seems to concentrate more on fun than responsibilities. Doesn't seem to be managing money well.

He is coming over tomorrow night to pack - I had to call him and press him to give me some idea of when he would do this and when he was moving. I am thinking of asking him how he feels about things 2.5 months into separation.

Any thoughts from anybody on all this?

<small>[ August 29, 2002, 09:32 AM: Message edited by: Jelly Girl ]</small>

Bump...

By the way, if I stall on signing the separation agreement, he can't file for D until next June, as opposed to this December....

Hey, hun... I haven't been around as much... lemme bump this for you... I'll be back later, k? Lemme read your update and see what I can offer. Glad you're still around some <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , but sorry things are looking that way for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

I don't know what to say as I haven't been in that situation. I hope he wakes up, maybe his birthday or your anniversary will give him a dose of reality. Good luck, keep us up to date.
hugs,
layli

wow... yet another similarity in our stories... My XH's birthday was just 4 days before our anniversary!

I certainly haven't been in your situation about selling the house... maybe some others can relate. But I do know that ANYTHING is possible, hun. Houses sell, divorces are filed, divorces are finalized, etc etc... and some couples STILL re-unite after all those things.

This is a tough call... I'm going to go with continue PLan A a little longer. How IS your plan A? Is there much contact? Much oppurtunity to Plan A? Get thru b'day and anniversary, and think of going to Plan B sometime in September. That's my opinion, anyway. And stall the separation process a little bit - at least till the "big dates" pass.

Whattaya think?

Layli, I hope you're right... but I wonder if he'll even remember. I talked to him yesterday and he said his mother asked him what he wanted to do Thursday night, and his reply was "about what?" - he'd completely forgotten his birthday was coming up.

Faith - these similarities are just scary sometimes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I haven't really been Plan A-ing. The little contact I've had with him up until Sunday has been more DB LRT than anything else. Mostly businesslike. Yesterday I called him just to say hi, which I haven't done in a long time. We had a pleasant conversation, he told me about jobs he's applying for and apartment hunting.

I think your idea of Plan A till the move and all is over is probably a good idea. I forgot to mention we are in a wedding on 9/21... we're not being paired together, but still, would be hard to do Plan B there. After that and the house closing, there won't be much reason for us to have contact, so maybe then will be the time to write the letter and go into a full-fledged Plan B.

So... I probably shouldn't ask him how he's feeling after 2.5 months of separation? I thought I would wear some new clothes tomorrow that show off my smaller body... see what kind of response that gets?

Honestly, I'm really not sure how I want this to go... he's lied and cheated and essentially used me to get his degree, and I'm not sure I want to share my life with him anymore... it would take a complete turnaround on his part to convince me to stay married... and I just don't see him doing it. He still seems to be burying his head in the sand, staying busy so he doesn't think or feel. I know one of these days reality will come up and bite him in the a$$, I just don't know when that will happen.

JG,
Yes, wear something to show off your new bod tomorrow night! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You go girl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

And just the best JG you can. Why don't you wait and see how the conversation kinda goes tomorrow night. You might could ask him the question you're thinking of, but keep it light. Keep it all light, K? If you have the chance to slip in things like, "I really don't want to divorce you." "I miss you." "We had a lot of fun together." then do it. NOT whining or heavy-talk, but just to make sure he knows. Compliment him if you can... "I like that shirt", etc.

Did I mention to keep it light? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My XH has mentioned lately 2 experiences we had together (we HARDLY EVER saw each other after he moved out!!), that really got his attention. We were doing taxes, or he was getting stuff, or something. I was on my BEST Plan A behavior, and he noticed! Of course, we ended up divorced anyway, but now he says it sure made him think twice. He commented that those 2 visits were light, friendly, kinda flirty, I looked great, fun, etc. Basic Plan A stuff. And it really messed him up the day he moved out "for good" when I made him breakfast and was sweet to him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> (I didn't help carry stuff out, though!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Sometimes they're too foggy to notice our Plan A efforts, but I think that MORE OFTEN it really makes a difference.

I know what you mean about not really wanting him back without some changes. You are perfectly normal for feeling that way.

Keep us posted! And good luck!

<small>[ August 27, 2002, 05:16 PM: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</small>

Faith-

Thanks for the input. Interesting that you did make your XH think twice - I wouldn't mind doing that. I will wear my new outfit and see what happens, and try to be fun, sweet and nice... and sexy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'll at least feel good!

I'm also going to make some soup that I know he really likes... he'll smell it as soon as he walks in the door and I'm sure it will be a change from bachelor cooking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Keep it light... keep it light... keep it light... that will be my mantra for the evening.

Thanks again!!

H came over last night as planned. He brought BIL with him, though, so we did not have opportunity to talk. Here's what happened:

H walks in and smells dinner and starts guessing what it is - I actually made a beef goulash that he likes a lot, would have offered him some if BIL (who is very picky eater) hadn't been there. By this point we've walked into the kitchen and he gets a good look at me. I'm wearing new clothes that really show off how much weight I've lost. He looks me up and down, gets a big smile on his face, and tells me how good I look. I smile back and say thanks.

They carry in boxes and start packing books, I leave them alone. At some point H comes back downstairs and sits down at our desk (and starts looking at the papers and stuff I have sitting there, which I thought was interesting) and says he has a couple of questions for me - first, what are we going to do about the pictures. I tell him he can go through them, take what he wants, leave the rest. He suggests maybe I should do that first. I tell him I've already tried then got off that subject real fast.

Then he asks about our bed - I told him he could have the mattress/box spring, but since he's moving before I am, if he takes it now, I'll have to sleep on the futon for 2 weeks (until I move and buy my new mattress set). We've talked about this a couple of times, but he said he would just take the futon and then return it to me when he gets the bed.

Then we start walking around the house looking at what needs to be packed and such. He seems very interested in what's changed. Seems very much like he wants to be near me. At some point during this process he looks me up and down again and tells me how good I look. A few minutes later he asks if the place I'm moving to is nice, I tell him it is, that it has an alarm system (he's very security conscious).

I was very nice, offered them something to drink, didn't help pack or carry anything, though. Five minutes after they leave, the phone rings and H says he thinks he owes me money. I tell him he will as of Friday (for his health insurance) and that he can just give me a check on Saturday if he wants.

Later I call him back to ask him a question about this Egyptian art exhibit in DC that he reminded me about (he saw a little embossed leather box on my dresser and though I'd gotten it there, but I hadn't.) We talk for a couple of minutes and that's it.

So.... not sure what his behavior last night meant, if anything, and not sure what to do now. Today is his birthday. Do I call him? Do I wait and see if he's working tonight and stop by the restaurant?

I don't know why the moving seems so final to me - maybe it's because there are lease obligations and such. I know there are plenty of couples who have lived apart for a while but gotten back together. I guess I've just looked at me having my own place as a turning point. Add to that the fact that I don't want him back unless he's willing to make a lot of changes...

Help! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I decided to call him for his birthday... I had some house related information to relay anyway...

As we're chatting I ask him if he has any big plans for today. He says he has to work from 2-close (so 11 or 12) tonight, and he's working tomorrow night, and moving Saturday, so he doesn't know when he's going to celebrate his birthday. So I ask him if he has lunch plans. He asks if I think that's a good idea, and I ask him that right back. I say that I'm fine with it, if he wants to think about it and call me back, that's fine, which he says he will do.

I fully expect him to call back and say no... but I'm wrong. I meet him for lunch, it's pretty casual, no R talk, just chatting about his hockey game this week and the Egyptian art exhibit. We briefly talk a bit about moving. I give him a hug before we leave. He thanks me several times for lunch.

Now I am really confused. Up until last weekend I was accepting the D as the best thing for both of us, and now I'm not so sure. I'm starting to dread him moving things out on Saturday. No, he hasn't been living there for 2 1/2 months, but still...

I think I've figured out why moving out of the house seems so final - it's because there will no longer be "our" home for him to ever come back to. There will be my place, and his (and his roommate's) place. There will be separate obligations. It won't be easy to get back together, should we ever do so.

Maybe we need this time living apart... but it feels so wrong. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />