I would like to start compiling a list of things spoken to and by both WS's and BS's which are helpful and healing and not helpful and healing. Here are the 4 categories with some obvious examples for each, please contribute.

1. WS Appreciates Hearing:

"I understand this must be as difficult for you as it is for me."

"We'll get through this."

"I forgive you as well as the other person, I'm sure he/she regrets this."

2. WS Does Not Appreciate Hearing

"How could you?"

"I did not deserve this."

"The OP is scum."

3. BS Appreciates Hearing

"This was the worst mistake of my life."

"How could I have been so foolish."

"No one has ever made me happier than you have."

4. BS Does Not Appreciate Hearing

"It was nothing."

"You caused me to do this."

"I loved the OP."

This is just a first crack, please add your's, many of these are from this board. As BS's and WS's, let's teach each other how to say the things that heal and avoid saying the things that don't. Unfortunately, we are the experts!

Thanks All,

JACK

Ok, let's see what I can add.

First, I want to mention that for me I don't care if my BH forgives the OM or not. He can think and say the OM is the the scum of the earth. I, however, don't want him to force his views on me. Sure, he was a mistake, something I regret, but I should not HAVE to feel he is the scum of the earth. If I feel that, then I must feel the same about me. I know my DH loves me so he doesn't feel that way about me, but the OM he has no feelings for and can feel that way.

Anyhow:

WS Likes to hear - keep in mind this is what I like to hear, as a WW from the recovery standpoint:

You are beautiful/handsome.
I love you, no matter what.
I'm not going anywhere.
If I were going to leave I would have left already.
I forgive you.
I believe in you and us.
I am proud to have you as my W/H. (provided of course you are now in recovery)
Also, I love that little touch that says everything without a word.
I love that smile that says I love you without speaking.
I love that look that puts a twinkle in his eye that says I'm glad to be with you.

BS like to hear:

I'm not going to speculate too much, but here are a couple that seem to warm my DHs heart:

I love you and only you.
You are my number one.
Thank you for staying.
Thank you for helping me up when I fell.
I will never betray you again - and follow that up with actions to prove it.
You are better in every way.
All I want is my family, and that means you.
It's ok to not trust me right now. I have given you every reason not to, but one day I will give you every reason to trust me again.

Ok, if I think of more, I will add them at another time. Good thread Jack. Take care.

Here's a few more:

WS Appreciates Hearing:

"I have always loved you, and I always will."

"You look great!"

BS Appreciates Hearing:

"You always made me feel special."

"Thank you for being so strong for us."

"I'm lucky to have you as my husband."

BS Does Not Appreciate Hearing:

"Get over it."

"You've been depressed for months. It's ridiculous!"

"Guess who I ran into today?"

By the way, Jack - how are things with you? Anything new on the "closure" front?

Dave

Thanks for the contributions, keep them coming. as for how I am doing, thanks for asking Dave, I would say the M is going great, now 9 months into recovery, counselor down to once a month, just got back from a ten day vacation with W that was great. As for me personally I still obsess from time to time but have more good times than bad I guess. I still dread running into the OM and am not sure what I would say or whether any further healing could be obtained. I still dread my W having any contact but when school starts it will probably be inevitable that we will be attending a function or sports game or something where he is present. One struggle that seems to dog me is my W's seeming inability to see how she was taken in. Princess' point of not having to thing he is scum notwithstanding, I feel like a cop who tells a lady who was conned out of her fortune that her boyfriend is con man wanted in three states and having her say oh no not my guy he was a nice man. It is hard to feel safe when my W dosen't seem to know that she was exploited even granting her own responsibility. If she is vulnerable I am vulnerable so to speak. I'm going to raise this one with the counselor. How bout you?

jack

Know what you mean about W not getting it about being taken. Reality hit my wife between the eyes about 2 months ago when she could finally see herself and what she did/became from a distance. She's been totally on board with our M ever since. I think that realization is a major turning point, so bringing it up with counselor is a good idea.

We're making good progress with putting stuff behind us. Yesterday she told me I should be "Husband of the Year" for the love and grace I've shown her in these past 6 months. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> Makes me feel like we just might survive this nightmare after all.

Hope things stay positive for you both and that you remain smack in the middle of the road to recovery.

<small>[ August 28, 2002, 12:10 AM: Message edited by: shattered in SF ]</small>

Bumping up for more responses, 2long, wat, conan, pepper, orchid , bramble, maggierose, what do you say ?

bump for more responses

Good idea, Jack.

I can make a contribution to only one category as I did not experience any of the others, e.g., I did not get any feedback from my WS as to what she appreciated/did not appreciate and she never said anything to me that I appreciated.

BS does not appreciate:

I am NOT having an affair, I said I am in love with <OM>. What part of that don't you understand?

We'll all be happier in the long run (if we separate).

I had to leave - it was your decision NOT to leave!!

I've only lied to you once.

I don't trust you.

<OM> is not a threat to you.

<Son> will be better off if we break up.

It's none of your business who I bring into your house to help me move my stuff out (while you weren't home).

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...............

I could go on and on, but you get the picture.

What a BS does not want to hear:

"She's nice. If you met her under different circumstances you two might have been friends."

"I have no sexual desire for you.....none......do you understand? None."

Thx, keep them coming.

Jack