My H and I have been working at our M for almost 4 months now, so we are still pretty new to this, I guess. His EA lasted for almost a year until D-Day in May and then continued for another few weeks, before he sent a no-contact letter. The OW has attempted to contact him once and, to my knowledge, there has been no other contact between them.

My H is not "in love" with me. I have plan A'd and am feeling stronger and more confident in myself. Our relationship has improved and he says that he is feeling happier - we have even begun making plans in the short-term future - something I thought could never happen. My probelm is that I crave his love. He has always been my best friend, lover and a great father to our boys. I have read so much on forgiveness, love, guilt, etc on this site and it has helped me to understand that there is a "process". It doesn't make it any easier, though. I am beginning to see past "her" and we are trying hard to rectify the problems in our marriage that caused it to break down. I just wanted to ask both WS and BS, how long has it taken to begin to restore your feelings for eachother? Most times I am very happy that things are going well, but I know that we both feel that there is something missing at times, and it really worries me that he will never feel love for me again. Any thoughts or advice?

FW:

I know the fears you describe. I 2 have felt that way many times. For me, it's been over 7 months since D-day, and though there have been times when I felt we were "finding our love" for each other again, NOW I really believe it's starting 2 happen in a serious and truly meaningful way.

Once your H realizes that his A was an infatuation, not "true love", he'll come around and recognize that he loves YOU, and did all along.

I understand the cravings for ILYs, 2. I feel like I count the days since the last time I heard them. But as someone pointed out 2 me a few months back, I really probably don't want her 2 say it if she can't really mean it. Because that way, when she does say it again, it'll be really precious!

Hang in there!

2Long,

Thanks so much for your kind words. It means so much to me to hear that there is hope. Sometimes I feel that he is getting discouraged, because his feelings don't appear to be changing. I guess I'm afraid that he will give up. I do agree that the most important thing is to know that "I love you" means exactly that. I have found that I have held back parts of myself, for fear of being hurt if he never regains the feeling. But that changes the person I am and I also want to regain the feelings of love that I had for him - I'm not sure I can do that if I am holding parts of me back. Are you both communicating well now? Did your feelings for your WW change after D-Day? How do you measure your "progress"? Have you ever felt like giving up? Has she? Sorry to bombard you!
Warm regards,
Fishwife

FW:

"Sometimes I feel that he is getting discouraged, because his feelings don't appear to be changing."

I'm sure he has periods of despair. I think we all do.

"I guess I'm afraid that he will give up."

Normal. But if you think about this a bit, what would he really DO, if he did give up? He'd still have his problems. If he moved in with his OW, he'd still have them, plus the guilt for what he did 2 his W and his M.

"I do agree that the most important thing is to know that "I love you" means exactly that. I have found that I have held back parts of myself, for fear of being hurt if he never regains the feeling."

Also normal. It takes real courage 2 give of yourself without expecting the same in return, but you also don't want 2 appear cold, so you do give of yourself.

"But that changes the person I am and I also want to regain the feelings of love that I had for him - I'm not sure I can do that if I am holding parts of me back."

Exactly! This process is HARD, but well worth the effort.

"Are you both communicating well now?"

Better than before, but there are still "privacy issues" that we haven't talked about much lately. I LB'd 2 much when I brought them or OM up. We still don't have a NC agreement either, but by not LBing at all the past month, I think I'm "winning" the battle with OM for my W's affection. I'm not hurting HER now with my "self-protection" remarks and behavior, and so I see her being more able 2 be outgoing 2 me lately. It's very nice.

"Did your feelings for your WW change after D-Day?"

Very much so! I was a mess, of course, but the first thoughts I had were not of running away or throwing her out, they were of how much I love her and how did things go so wrong.

"How do you measure your "progress"?"

I guess the things I think show the most progress on my part are my improving feelings of self-worth, recognition that I CAN get through this, whatever the outcome (because I HAVE 2), and realization in the past month that NOT LBing has had the biggest positive impact on how we get along, of anything I've tried since D-day.

"Have you ever felt like giving up? Has she?"

Many, many times. Both of us! But then I remember that I have to fix my own problems whether I stay M'd 2 her or not, and so why not try 2 work them out WITH her, rather than someone else (with problems of their own).

"Sorry to bombard you!"

No problem! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

2Long,

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thank you! Will try to keep an eye on my LBing, in the hope that I have the same success. I have noticed that my H is trying to meet some of my needs and I know that, if we keep talking, it won't be long until we are both doing all the right things. Does that bring back love, though? I certainly hope so. The person I married is a gentle, loving, honest and happy person - I so want him back - with improvements in our relationship! Talk about moving the goal posts!?!
Fishwife

Dear Fishwife:

I strongly believe that the in-love feelings can return for both spouses.

It took me approximately 2.5 years post d-day for the in-love feelings to return for my H; however, I never stopped loving him. (BTW, I'm the FBS and H is FWS.)

My H claims that he NEVER stopped loving me-- not even during his A. His actions, however, spoke otherwise.

And, if I were to judge my H (which I know is a no-no), based on his actions, I would say that I began to believe that he had in-love feelings for me at approximately the 1.5 years post d-day mark.

Hopefully, I'm not discouraging you here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> . For, it's not as if the entire first 1.5 years of recovery were intolerable-- because it wasn't that way at all!

During the first 1.5 years of recovery MUCH GOOD was accomplished. There were the tears, the screaming, the dreaded debates, the accusations, the judge and jury, the clinging, the desparation, the almost giving-ups-- BUT THERE WERE ALSO the tears of forgiveness, the gentleness of lovemaking, the whispered I'm sorry's, the coming together of feelings, the joy in healing, the determination of making it-- wanting it-- to work.

THE VICTORY OF THE RETURNING LOVE IS WORTH THE JOURNEY.

RETURNING LOVE can, and does, HAPPEN. You will both know it, feel it surround you, when it returns... BUT DON'T LOOK FOR IT TO BLOW THE DOOR DOWN-- because for some, like me, it returns as gentle as a summer breeze.

Good Luck to you both! Hugs, ~Marie

Hello to you all

H and I are almost back together for 1 year now. (H lived apart for 6 mo's). Affection for me has returned. We hold hands, hug, kiss (like the ones you give your mother!). Love... not yet. But I believe with my whole heart its coming and I know its worth waiting for!!! So, no SF either, but that makes my dearest H so special! I know that when our SF are back, my H loves me again.

Marie, I'm happy to hear you had to wait 1,5 year for love to return too. It makes me sigh in relief that there's others "like me" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Fishwife, good luck and God Bless. Keep believing and keep praying. God is good. He knows best and He knows what He's doing.

love
ivory

Hey FW -
My signature line kinda tells the story.
I went for TWO years with my Husband unable/unwilling to say "I love you" - because quite frankly he wasn't in love with me!
I thought we were recovering when I discovered emails this past November - him telling OW "I love you". My world fell apart all over again..
We were doing fine I thought - but still missing the I Love You's. I knew he felt something...his actions were GREAT! Our lovemaking was awesome and often but I still craved those words, my foundation was shaky, my future uncertain...

After all of this, something "clicked" for him. AFter I had been asking all sorts of questions about the second round of contact (very calmly, albeit somewhat "saki soaked" as we were eating Japanese food at the time) I asked him what he was hanging on to? I was calm, but he could tell I was reaching the end of my rope. Three days later it was Valentine's Day...and he came through...

So, I hope this is encouraging and not discouraging to you. It did take TWO years for him. I did a pretty darn good Plan A (with a few lapses here and there) and finally he found it. I can't really explain it, but perhaps it was because he finally wrote a NC letter and finally there really was no contact. For the most part their contact had been casual and occasional, but when it escalated to her realizing her deep "love" for him is when he knew he had to do one thing or another.

So, YES - the in love feelings can be restored. I tell him I knew it was true when I could see the "smile in his eyes" again.

Don't give up! Yes, it can return. My H was very similar. Claimed he had never loved me, married me because he felt sorry for me and countless other hurtful things. He thought he was in love with my former friend.

We were separated for 9 mos. With lots of individual and joint counseling, our marriage did work. Prayer did wonders also.

2 years ago he started acting the same way again, saying he didn't love me. Our MC told him if he continued to go to counseling and prayed about it, his love for me would return. And it did. We are very happy now with a beautiful new baby that we waited many years for.

It turned out he was depressed most of his life and it was untreated. That's why he did a lot of what he did and felt that way.

I hope things work out for you. It's hard but do not give up!

p.s. Torn Asunder is a wonderful book

you got some great answers from some of the true sucess stories here at MB, however, post this on recovery & you most likely will get even more

also many & I do many who recover just don't post often, so if you don't get many responces don't feel discouraged.

hoping the I love yous come soon

Hello All,

After a "mixed" evening, your responses really warmed my heart.

Marie
I know that we have already accomplished a lot. Just the fact that we are still here together means a tremendous amount. We are currently going through the periods of anger, the dreaded debates (him hating them full stop, me hating what I hear), the clinging (sometimes I'm afraid to let him out of my sight), the desperation (oh yes - this is a good one. Had a bout of it last night when I LB'd BIG TIME because I feel that I need more from him. Sometimes think I'm going to explode!), the almost giving ups (been there and I think we both feel this way several times a week - but it's better than several times a day, which we did before!) Last night, for the first time since I found out about his A, I told him that I love him. I do. I don't feel that consuming love that I used to (yet) - I am still too raw and there is still unresolved hurt there, but I have realised that despite everything, I do love him as much as I ever did, within my heart. He told me that he loves me too, which is a huge thing. He has not said this outright to me before and I feel happy, sad, elated and a bit gutted all at the same time. I know that he isn't "in love" with me again, but you have all given me hope that it will happen.

ivorySA
The affection is here. We hold hands, we have started kissing again (which is something that went by the wayside). It is hard sometimes, but the affection makes me feel connected to him and I think that we both need it desperately.
"God is good, He knows best and He knows what He's doing". This gave me an amazing amount of comfort, to my surprise. I have felt so responsible for our situation - it was my post natal depression and subsequent problems that contributed hugely to my H's needs not being met and subsequently the A. Just seeing this makes me feel relieved that someone knows what they are doing - because most of the time, I sure don't!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Alberta
You have hit on one of my greatest fears. My H had assured me that the A was over and that he had ended it. 2 weeks later I found evidence to show that this was not true. He also had contact with her after that, when he said that there wasn't. These things have all hurt me terribly and have made me question is committment now. I wonder if he has truly had no more contact. I don't know how he can prove it to me. We both seem to flounder on this issue. I do so want to believe him, because I want to let my guard down and get on with re-building and restoring. I hope that something has "clicked" for him too and I wish you so much love and success. I too, long to see the "smile in his eyes" - that special look for me that he gives to no-one else - that softness and warmth. Corny I know, but true.

maggierose
I was depressed too. I think that was a big contributor to our problems, pre-the affair. We are now so much more aware of the symptoms and hopefully that means that we can avoid sliding into the hole again! Our MC does help and I hope that we get to the point when those feelings are upon us once more. Congratulations on the birth of your precious baby. We are so proud of our 2 boys and they are definitely the glue that kept us together and focussed us on trying to repair our relationship.

sing
Will take your advice and post on Recovery too. Thank you for your thoughts - I need all the help I can get!

Any other thoughts?

D-day was January 2000, affair began just before Xmas 1999.
More than 2 1/2 years later and he's still not in love with me.
Our marriage won't make it.
We have a 2 year old (H carried on A throughout pregnancy)
I believed we were going to make it...but here we are again like we always are.