I knew this could happen, but I naively believed it to be unlikely for our situation. Found out last night that WW had been in e-mail contact with OM past few weeks, including at least one meeting. This after having written (supposedly) a NC Letter in mid-June which was followed by withdrawal symptoms for several weeks. Looks like she found the cure for what "ails her"! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Damn.

So now the clock has been re-set, judging by the following statements by WW:

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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I know you don't trust me but I don't want you to trust me"</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"You (BS) and I weren't making any recovery progress [in our marriage] after I broke up with OM, but when I contacted him again it made our marriage tolerable"</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"If you say you're leaving me today, I will break it off"</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"The things I write to OM about are just fantasy. It actually helps our sex life."</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"This is an addiction, like alcohol. Maybe I'm just mentally ill" (hmmmmmmm)</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I should have been honest with myself and never married you in the first place"</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Our M has no chemistry, like I do with OM"</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Frankly, I was rather PO'd about the e-mail revelation. What really got to me is that she revealed to him details (however mundane) about our family life (including me, by name...as if I'm nothing more than just another guy who hangs out with her kids), our business matters, and her own daily affairs too. As many here can relate, it's the sense that one's privacy has been violated--whether by bringing the OP in the home or revealing personal information--that is as hurtful as any other sordid detail.
I have shown more patience than a saint, and now this. Yeah, I believe I held my own and avoided major LB's. But I did tell her this morning I'm sick of this and want to leave. So she responds by saying she plans to "cut it off" and "come clean" since she "values me" and "values her family". I mean, WTF, it's been six months already!!?? (not my exact words, but close)

This may be a vent, but I wonder what to really do now. If she says she's gonna cut it off and truly work on our M, how should I respond? What should I expect?

Mark,
You're right the clock is at zero.

Something to consider is that this is not a new part to the affair, it is the same A with more lies. She didn't make it through withdrawal. You didn't know it was continuing.

There seem to be very few As that end with no further contact of any kind. But each time the WS promises it has ended, lies & continues, it does make recovery more difficult, and generally a longer process.

The problem with catching up on daily stuff with the OP, or the OP catching up with the WS's life is that catching up is always an ongoing process. If I know how you are right now, well, in 2 hours, 2 days, 2 weeks, I don't know, do I?

It's really your choice. What do you want to do? Continue Plan A? Separate & go to Plan B? Divorce? You have all those options.

If she says she's going to cut it off so she won't lose you, she'll have to back that up by being accountable with her time, her passwords, email, voice mail. I'd recommend counseling for both of you, maybe extra IC for her. You don't have to trust her, she's broken your trust again, so if you are ever to trust her, her behavior will have to be trustWORTHY.

Having gone through 7 separations, I'm not really in favor of them, but a separation does serve to not have her behavior a constant presence in your home. Your expectations aren't as great if you continue in Plan A separated, or no expectations if you go to Plan B.

mark2002,

This is my 2¢. I assume you still want your M to work out ... then you need to put necessary monitoring on her !. If she refuses then go to plan B. I am always telling people to stay in plan A as long as they can ... but after they make promise to work on M ... there is no excuse. Do it w/ love but firm !!!. Read Torizo saga when he has to deal w/ his W. Withdrawal and set backs are normal ... as long as both of you indentify the trigger of this contact. Road to recovery is very very narrow and your W is making it difficult. There is big different between WS who fell into A and WS who intentionally go for A.

Vent in here and hang in there ... every time there is a set back you have to tighthen the boundry and make your W to commit again. Otherwise you are training your W to be cake eater !.

Not to fault you but take a look hard also on what EN is OM filling that you are not ... maybe none maybe there is something. Work & learn on it.

-RH-

Lor,

I'm not sure if I want to continue Plan A. Historically, I've been deceived quite a bit, with little warning. I feel like, "here I go again, she's gonna say one thing but after awhile, she'll go against her word."

Going with Plan A or B may depend on her response to extraordinary precautions that I feel are necessary as well as any promises or commitment she makes to our marriage. So I'll say something like, "WW, do you promise to commit to our marriage and work on reforming it?" Then if she makes a commitment, I state that if there is renewed contact, I'm gone. Simple. Actions have consequences.

I worry about the limits to "monitoring". I work 5 days a week; she works 3 half morning days, off 2 days, with kids home at 2:00pm. Since I can't watch her from work, all I can do is ask that she outline her schedule on her Wednesday/ Monday days off from work. Spectorsoft, yes (do I tell her, for deterrance purposes?). Can a phone number be blocked from being dialed, cell or landline??

<small>[ September 04, 2002, 03:04 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

mark2002,

I hope Z is around and read this. Yes, total honesty. Implement the keyboard monitoring, get a password to her email & VM & full access to detail phone bill & pager (incoming too !!!, put caller ID). List of cash expenses plus receipt of purchases.

You have to be fair and give your to her if she wants to.

You get it right ... this is monitoring / deterrance and you are also hit the bull eyes to set the consequences if she would cross the line again.

However you have to be firm to do what you are going to do if that happens. Pain is given but misery is optional. This is the time where WS has to meet BS half way otherwise you will not be able to recover your M ... check Orchid's post.

Hang in there -RH-