WH just left, I feel awful. I'm sorry, I cant' remember the whole conversation and my response. He pretty much told me the following:

1. We did not have passion/romance in our marriage and were not compatible sexually, him and OW are.

2. He never felt comfortable around my family, he needs a strong family surrounding to be around. OW's family offers him this, however, he also told me that they don't know he is married.

3. He said that I could never have a relationship with his mother who told him our marriage was bad and he needs to be happy, she accepts OW in his life and does not see a future for our marriage.

4. His feelings for OW are strong, he is madly in love with her. He says these are not feelings of withdrawal that he is nothing like what they talk about in the books. He says this is different, he is really in love.

5. He told me that I needed to face reality instead of my "books" that some marriages just aren't meant to be.

6. Told me I was his "crutch" to him at his weakest moment when we decided to get married as I had a good income, and he was extremely in debt.

7. He said there is no chance for us if he still has OW in his mind or heart.

8. He said that you cannot make changes to change your marriage, you either have it or you don't.

9. He said that he never had feelings for me like he does her.

10. He said he "needs more time" to figure out what he wants.

11. Admitted to being scared because if he tried to recover our marriage he would lose her.

12. He said that his relationship with OW never felt "like an affair".

13. He said he has never cryed like he has in the past couple of weeks of missing OW, that he has a huge pain in his heart

14. He said that we were just content and comfortable with no excitement in our life.

These are just off the top of my head, I am sure I will add more later, I'm really having a tough time right now, especially after he swore to me that he wanted to come home <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

He is still going to counsel with Steve at 6AM but has an appoint with another counselor later that day (his mom's old marriage counselor which ended in divorce due to an affair)

<small>[ August 28, 2002, 08:19 PM: Message edited by: going_crazy ]</small>

Remember way back weeks ago when I told you not to get too excited, that he was probably going to get back together with OW?

Remember, I told you, my husband broke up with his OW multiple times before the reality kicked in.

You are not in recovery and never have been. You just saw your husband during one of breakups. Time to Plan A at a distance, and get the heck out of the line of fire right now.

Stop the R talks and get the books and articles away from him. He's not ready. You are only hurting yourself.

GC,

Ok, here's my 2 cents.

First off you need a cyber hug. Put your right arm over your left shoulder and left arm over your right shoulder and squeeze (if you are a lefty do it just the opposite). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Second, now you need to let the OW fulfill all his needs. $$ and all. Let his mother and the OW's family be there for him, lies and all.

Third, time for a full plan b, even if he comes begging back in a couple of days or weeks or months. Counsel with Steve.

Fourth, stick to your guns and keep busy.

Honey, I went through this same junk last year. Your H's words were just like my WS'. The nut. Mine said that because he felt it and knew it wasn't right but just like someone in a bad dream, he just had to say it. Couldn't help himself. So it was better for me to let him fall and fall as hard as he could go.

The hard part for me was watching him fall. The therapy for me was taking all his stuff out of the house and putting it in the garage. So find something that will help you get over the hurt. Throwing his clothes and junk out of the house, helped eleviate some of the pain. I mean throwing it out. Way out there. I used to nicely pack his stuff the first few times. After #2, I just threw it out and learned to do it quite quickly. LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Right now, you will want to cry and no one can stop you. Then you will see that you are better off with him gone. At least for now.

Give yourself a while to adjust to his new foggy state. He really thinks he is speaking the truth but even through your post I could tell he wasn't fully convinced himself. Just had to babble that way. So like a stubborn child you just gotta let him fall down and go boom all by himself. Just make sure you are no longer meeting his needs. Protect yourself and your finances. Make sure the OW is not looking at your good stuff.

Let the LB Fairie know if you need her to pay them a visit. She is good at helping the BS. Where are you SING?!?!?

Hugz,
L.

BrambleRose: How did you know when it was true?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> babble <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> babble <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> babble <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

PLEASE do NOT talk to him ... this is 100% babblewabble. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

My personal favorite:
"You cannot make changes to change your marriage, you either have it or you don't."

?? Huh ?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Well .... ain't that swell .... He's just too fogged to talk to.

I agree with BR ... get out of his range ... this is not going to be pretty .... stay away from him.

((( HUGS-GC )))

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by going_crazy:</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was reading through your recap and was just amazed. It sounds, from what he says, like his R with her (and her family) is perfect. If it's all so perfect with her, and not with you, why does he need more time?

I don't mean to be nasty or anything, but seriously, if all is as he paints it, why is he hesitating? He paints this wonderful picture of OW, and then says, he needs more time to figure out what he wants?

I don't think so.

Something has him second guessing himself. My guess is it's not all roses in OWland, no matter what fogtalk he spouts.

Let SH have a crack at him in the morning, and try not to lose hope. It's not over till it's over. {{GC}}

Mere

So sorry, GC.

Seems like everything he said was pro-OW except for this:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 10. He said he "needs more time" to figure out what he wants.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm closer to Orchid's position; cut him off now.
Let him counsel W/Steve if he decided to, and let HIM call you about it if he wants to.

Remember; there IS a reason (or reasons) he left the OW....don't forget that. It's not all rose colored over there!

If you remove yourself; the Crutch, as he called you, (the B-----d!), he will falter, probably fall over.

Big Hug to you GC; take care of yourself; you deserve it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Orchid, thanks for the cyberhug, I really, really needed it.

I also have a counseling session with Steve at 11AM on Friday, so I will be able to hear Steve's take on the whole situation, I just hope WH spills it all.

GC,

I know you ask BR but can I answer this one also?

I really didn't know and desparately wanted to believe each reconciliation was the ONE!!! But it took 4 times and by the 4th time I was plum worn out.

I didn't want him to come back and told him so. He had to fight to win back my approval and had a working and willing attitude. I think that is the kicker, watch his eyes and attitude. If he flicks with a pinch of disrespect, send him packing. Your tolerance level will shrink quickly each time you send him packing.

Remember, I keep plan B in my back pocket, even now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Orchid:
<strong> I think that is the kicker, watch his eyes and attitude. If he flicks with a pinch of disrespect, send him packing. Your tolerance level will shrink quickly each time you send him packing</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, this is the 3rd time, and it really did seem serious, WS sure have a way of playing us.

He seems to think our situation is "unique", what does he know?

I'm going to get off of here for a while, I will post and respond later, tough time... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

"What does he know?"

NOT a heck of aLOT .....

You are not his trampolene ... do not allow him to jump on you again.

I want to LB the [censored] myself

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I knew it was true when the fog talk vanished. No more "if we can work this out maybe i'll move home".

His words were: I am going to be the husband you deserve, I screwed up, here's my passwords, here's my cell bill, I am moving home in a month with your permission, I'll do whatever you need. No contact letter? No problem.

Then he did everything he said he was going to do.

Night and day difference in his tone, his attitude and his actions.

My .02.

My WH came back to me over and over for the first 9 months. Every time they had a fight he'd come to me. It never lasted more than 2 weeks before he'd go back to her. When he finally bought a house with her I went to plan B with a vengeance.

Finally after 18 months he started calling and telling me he wanted me back. I said no. At that point I was through. I just wanted the divorce finalized and to move on with my life, such as it was (I'd had a nervous breakdown, lost my job, both my cars and my house).

Anyway, things went even more wrong for me (I won't go into details) and the kids and I ended up in a shelter. WH was in California with his mother at the time (he had attempted suicide when I wouldn't take him back and was under court order to be supervised 24/7). When he heard what had happened he hauled [censored] back to texas "rescued" me and the kids.

We've been together for 3 months now and he is having only limited, supervised contact with OW (due to legal issues on the house they bought) and we're trying.

He is very remorseful and for the first time willing to take responsibility for his actions and listen to me when I need to vocalize my pain and rage. He is also in counseling for his issues.

Be wary of reconciliation attempts when he is saying things like you've posted. He's stil DEEP in the fog. My WH said a lot of the same things during all the aborted reconciliations. Now he admits that the grass is NOT greener on the other side of the fence. It took a long time and a tremendous amount of pain, but it happened.

Hang in there.

((((((HUGS))))))

GC,
So, so sorry to hear this. You don't deserve this at all! Just know that there are prayers
and thoughts for you from all over the MB board. We are here for you. I hope you do know when your WH is really serious about moving home, and I hope I will know as well. Take care of yourself. Let us know how your sessions with SH go.
KK

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. it's a truly sh*tty thing he has done to you. What a huge jerk he is being!! Orchid has it right. Time to back off and plan B. You can't 'cure' him, only he can do that for himself. You really need to start looking after yourself and your needs. Put his stuff in the garage and change the locks. Enough of this garbage!

thanks everyone, I have throughly read everyone's post, I am so mad and so sad at the same time, all I ever wanted was a loving husband, thats all, not too much to ask

Just an observation based on your signature... You started a modified Plan B not too long ago and nearly immediately appeared to see him snap back to reality... Well, he's far, far gone from reality right now, so... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I just called him at his buddy's house, I told him I was done, I was not going to pursue it anymore, I am done, I am finished.

I am not going to initiate any contact with him, I will wait and see what Steve has to say about this, I don't even know if I can go to a full Plan B, maybe straight to Plan D. I want to LB so badly right now, I want him to feel the hurt I am feeling. Yea, he says he is hurting, whatever, its his own fault, I did not make the decision to have an affair, he did. Too bad he can't decide between his wife and a whore. If that is the way he wants to live his life, with no integrity, dignity, or honesty, that is his choice. I do not want to be dragged into their mud. They will see when the fog clears and the waves come smashing their sandcastle down.

I don't want to be the wife waiting in the wings for him anymore, I don't want to hear about how he loves another woman, it is tearing me up inside. I'm barely strong enough for myself, I can't be strong enough for two.

I am angry, I wish he would have never stepped into my life. I wish I had never met him. Just wait until his new "family" finds out hes been lying to them all along. We'll see then how they accept him.

He does not understand love, love is not always a feeling, marriages do not live on the height of passion every single minute of the day.

I cannot offer it to him anymore, I need to learn to love myself better.

I think you are doing the right thing. Let him go and see how far he falls...he obviously hasn't hit the bottom yet. You seem like a wonderful and loving person. It's too bad his judgement is so clouded that he can't see it too! It's time to take care of yourself, start feeling better about yourself. Maybe, someday he'll change his mind and realize what he has lost. At that point it may or may not be too late for the two of you. His loss, not yours. You did everything you could to try to make the marriage work...no one can say you didn't. It takes two to make it work and he wasn't working with you.