My WH has continually denied this A when I have proof through his cell phone with a name and address. Now OW has disconnected her phone and took her name sign off her house - for what reason I do not know. My WH also is still hiding and I do not know his address. WH moved out in May and even after 2 no contact letters continues to come here and call. Says it is his house! I had surgery this past Monday and he forgot and never showed up which did hurt me bad but on Monday night he came to see how I was. I again said he had a no contact letter and if he wanted to put this marriage right he had to be honest with me and want this marriage and write a no contact letter to OW and I would mail it. I also said to prove no affair to bring his cell phone bill from this month and show me his apartment. Well he told me he does not have to show me anything. I told him until he has nothing to hide then we can not work on this marriage. Tonight it all was repeated but this time he stayed in the driveway and cried, said it was a headache that made him cry. I finally just came in the house and he left after another half hour of sitting there. God what do I do with him and all these lies? I love my H unconditionally and want to fix this marriage. He will not communicate without putting the blame towards me. Help Old friends! Thanks in advance.

LoveNcare - stop trying to get him to admit it.

You know it and he knows it. Do you think something will change if he admits it? Heck, my XW never admitted her affair but now she's married to OM.

WSs have all kinds of ways of manipulating facts to suit their needs. If you try to alter their irrational logic you'll just dig yourself deeper into their blame hole.

I have not read any of your prior posts, but I think you have to absorb some of the info available here at MB before you go on. It sounds like you're trying to make him do things and that will get you no where.

You are lovebusting and making things worse for yourself. I know you don't want to hear this, but take a time out, read up on all the things available here, and start Plan A. For starters, see the post, "WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses" on the Just Found Out board. I'll bump it up for you.

You cannot end the affair - one of them has to do that.

THIS IS MY FIRST POST ALTHOUGH I HAVE BEEN LURKING FOR TWO YEARS AND HAVE LEARNED SO MUCH ON THIS SITE-MAINLY LEARNING TO COPE THROUGH THE LOOOONG ORDEAL. MY HUSBAND HAD AN AFFAIR WITH MY GIRLFRIEND OVER SEVERAL YEARS IN MY HOME, IN MY BLINDED FACE. I CAUGHT THEM TOGETHER AND SENT HER PACKING. THROUGH MY INVESTIGATIONS THE AFFAIR WAS REVEALED IN ALL OF ITS UGLINESS IE. THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS, HOLIDAYS, WEEKENDS IN MY HOME WHILE I ENTERTAINED THEM ETC. WH REFUSED TO ADMIT TO THE AFFAIR AND BASICALLY AFTER TWO YEARS I KNEW THAT I WOULD NEVER FORGIVE HIM UNLESS HE ADMITTED WHAT HE HAD DONE EVEN THOUGH HE HAD BECOME THE PERFECT HUSBAND. I WAS PREPARED TO LEAVE AND MOVE ON BECAUSE THE LACK OF RESPECT FOR HIM HAD GROWN AND WAS EATING ME ALIVE. I WAS DONE! AT THAT POINT HE CONFESSED "MOST" OF THE GOREY DETAILS. HE CRIED AND SAID THAT HE HAS BEEN LYING BECAUSE HE WAS SO ASHAMED OF HIS ACTIONS AND EMBARRASSED TO TELL ME EVEN THOUGH HE KNEW THAT I KNEW.
BASICALLY, I GAVE HIM ONE LAST CHANCE. I ASSURED HIM THAT HE WAS IN A SAFE PLACE AND THAT I LOVED HIM AND WANTED OUR MARRIAGE BUT IF HE COULD NOT BE HONEST WITH ME (MY #1 EN) THEN THERE WAS NO NEED TO BEAT THE DEAD HORSE. WHAT I HEARD REALLY HURT BUT I DID NOT LB. I PROCESSED THE INFO AND FOUND MYSELF LETTING GO OF THE HATE AND ANGER. I NOW FEEL THAT WE TRULEY ARE IN RECOVERY.
BOTTOM LINE, DON'T EXPECT COMPLETE HONESTY SOON. PLAN A AND PROVIDE A SAFE HARBOR AND MAYBE YOU MAY GET THE TRUTH SOONER THAN I. TRUST ME, THE TRUTH IS ESSENTIAL TO YOUR RECOVERY AND WITHOUT IT THE ANGER AND LACK OF RESPECT WILL CONTINUE TO GROW UNTIL YOU POP.
JUST MY OPINION.

How do you get your WH to admit to the A? IMO, I don't think you can until he's out of the 'fog'.

When my H and I were separated, and although I was ATTEMPTING to do plan A, I also threw obvious proof in his face (verbally) regarding his A's. I had emails and phone numbers and letters. I even showed them to him. AND HE DENIED HIS A's!!!! Fog, moosebrain worms, la-la land, babble. We'll never know what's going on in their heads. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I'm not familiar with your story... but are you certain you should be in plan B right now? Your timeframe seems awfully short from d-day to plan B. Every situation is unique though, and some require a shorter plan A (Harley recommends 6 months).

The tones in your post seem rather harsh towards your H. The fact that he was sitting outside of your home for 30 minutes, signals to me that he wanted you to talk with him, however, he didn't have the courage to ask it of you. But then again, you know your H best.

One last bit of constructive criticism for you: I don't think it is wise for you and your H to have anymore "relationship" conversations. Should he initiate, then GENTLY remind him that you have certain boundaries and criteria for BOTH of you to accomplish prior to recovery. His priority to be no contact with OW, and yours to make the best you that you can (plan A! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ).

I know it can be extremely frustrating that your H won't admit to his A. However, more likely than not, he is so ashamed of his own actions, that he finds it easier to deny them than to deal with them right now.

Your best chance at having him admit to his A is to move back in to Plan A and create as safe an environment as you can for your H.

Take care,
Karen

Hello Worthatry, Msweese, and Topie25,
I was at wits end lastnight when I wrote that reply. Thank you for posting as I needed some input. See we are facing support court so now I believe he wants me to end it by being nice. I did the plan B because he kept coming here and raising so much he**. Emotionally I could not take it so after 3 months of trying plan A, hard when he did not come around only once a week or more I went to plan B. He did not respond to me being nice as I have always been and did not figure this A out right away. He started all this being distant and hiding paystubs - "none of my business" a year ago. I am a nurses aide and not here for 12 hours as my job was 30 miles one way. I guess you are right about him not being able to admit to this A but it is neccessary to work on the marriage which he said he did not want a divorce. Him sitting in the driveway - I did try to talk to him but he sat there with tears and told me it was from his headache and or maybe it was punishment. I did not know what to say but did tell him that I loved him with all my heart and asked if he Wanted to stay and talk he said no so I did come back into the house. It was 48 here and I just had surgery and was freezing. He has done this before and will not talk. When he does he screams and says bad things. I tell him what I expected nicely and he leaves. He wants me and OW as far as I can see this. This is part of why I went to Plan B I was ready for a breakdown as I am also going through a change. Tonight he called and I just told him not to come as I can not change anything and I do not like to see him hurting like lastnight and I did not need to hurt more also. I told him he could come home when he wanted to but with the things I told him before he would have to do like prove honesty and go to counseling, commit to this marraige and show respect for me by ending the A. I would forgive but probably not forget. In time all things heal. I am a very soft person that is very hurt. I know that I need to be strong but the da-- tears just run. Our marriage was never bad and not more than 3 fights in 11 years. We both work and never do anything as he did not like to go. Things got ho-drum and he pushed me away lots - I withdrew and if I would have found this site sooner it would have saved me maybe alot of wasted time now trying to fix all this. I do appreciate all the encouragement and please stay with me as right now I need ya all! God bless you!