Hello...I am new here only a few days, have read many threads, and cant beleive how many people are in the same boat as me. Here is my story briefly (i hope). WH's A started around 2nd week of July 2002, I found out about it July 25,2002, it continuted till she left town Aug.7,2002,(OW left town to return where she lived, she was on holidays visiting here). WH is continuing the A through the computer (chatting,webbcamming, and I believe cyper sex with OW). Only conversation WH and I have had was on Aug. 18, which he stated he is no longer in love with me and loves her, he is staying here for the sake of our children. I did not let him know that i know he is still computer contacting with her (or yes and OW is calling him on his cell phone). So basically what i am doing is trying to be the best wife i can be, building up the LBank, letting him do this (in our own home, right under my nose)and giving him all the space he needs right now. We act like room-mates, we talk but only about the children and anything else but our situation. From what i have read the A's take a long time to die and i just dont know how long i can go on like this. Plan A here at MB's says i need to approach him to ask him to discontinue the contact with the OW. Gee, i know if i did that he would say no. The OW is coming for another visit in December, and he has said that he will be seeing her then. I am so sick (diahrea every morning)not eating or sleeping, and so very hurt and lonely. I am so confused as to what plan of action I should be taking. Should i say to him we need to talk, or give him his space and let this ride for a little longer. It has only been 3 weeks yesterday that WH has not seen OW face to face. I am so scared that i will push him more into it. I dont show that i am upset about anything, I put on a happy cheery face when he comes home from work and just try my dammest to make everything nice for him when he is there. I am depositing into the lovebank as much as i can (he doesnt want me to speak of anything lovingly about us as a couple, I guess cause he is a couple with the OW right now). If i dont talk soon bout this i am going to go crazy, but part of me doesnt want to hear the answers. From what i have read here, everyone seems to be hanging on and not letting go, I dont want to let go either, I will hold on till the end, but how do you stand the pain of wanting your H to get rid of the OW and come back to you and your marriage. Can anyone tell me what my plan of action should be next. I cant imagine going through this 6 months to a year, I can hardly get through the present. Would it be possible that by December (when OW returns) that it might be over, any help would be so greatly appreciated, I love my H so much...thanks so much for letting me vent...A/C0810
M..17 yrs, together for 2
WH...46yrs
BS...45yrs
2 children, age 13 and 15

A/CO810,

I'm not the best one to advise you, but I just wanted you to know that I read your thread - and I think somebody will be along shortly to help you. I think you have a tremendous amount of leverage in the marriage - because of the length of your marriage and your situation. When your H realizes the consequences of divorce to him, he will start wondering if it is worth it.

Do you work? Is he the sole provider?
What are your prospects if you are separated?

I'm guessing that if you start talking (cheerfully) about property division, he will start to doubt himself.

Part of the "plan A" mentality is to start to imagine what a fine person you will be without him - or with him as the case may be - and starting building yourself up. Don't always be there for him. Don't chase after him. Yes, meet his needs to the extent that it is reasonable, but also hold something back. Make him want to chase you. Let him come home one day and ask "where's your Mom" and the kids say "I dunno, she went somewhere." And then arrive home at 9:30 or so, looking happy, saying "I hope you guys found something to eat. Sue invited me down to the lake and I had a great time." or whatever fits in your case. Do unexpected things. In all, LOOK HAPPY and not needy. Stop making your H the center of your life.

DISCLAIMER:
Maybe this is terrible advice.
Please wait and read other people's opinions and consider counselling with the pro's. Please don't take my "advice" without considering others. I don't need the responsibility and my life is all messed up and I don't neccessarily know anything.

-AD

<small>[ August 29, 2002, 09:44 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Hi there and welcome to the club. I beleive you're doing the right things at the moment. Most important probably at this point is trying to stay sane, do your "homework" in terms of reading & understanding and NOT lovebusting.

Again, without lovebusting, I beleive you should let your husband know how you feel, how it hurts you seeing him in contact with that woman. Don't whine, beg, intimidate or shout: just let him know how you feel, what it does to you.

On the positive side, it doesn't seem to be a very deep going affair given the time they have been together.

^

Thanks AD and Nick for your quick reply's. In answer to some of your questions, my husband is sole provider , i do not work. I guess if he was to evenutally leave, i would have to find work. Any suggestions on how to keep adding to the love bank, when WH makes it nearly impossible. I know i am in the early stages of this mess, but any input on how long is a reasonable about of time to tolerate all this, keep trying your hardest, only to realize that your husband will never love you again. I am willing to take forever, but please tell me, i probably wont suffer that long. Most letters say here that the A's die after 6 months, is that really true. Ordered a book from this site "Surviving an Affair", hope to get it tomorrow. Nick, dont you think my WH knows that i am going through hell with this OW, without me having to say something, i just dont know how to approach the subject. The kids go back to school here on Tuesday , maybee then i will try to talk with him about it. I just know the answers will be very painful, maybee i should wait a while longer and keep lovebanking. Its only been 3 weeks since he has been apart from the OW, maybee it needs to die a little on its own. Do you think they can keep up a stable relationship over the computer till she comes back here..thanks for listening, any feedback would be so much appreciated, just going through hell..A/C0810

Hi A/C
Welcome to the club, wish we didn't have to meet under these circumstances <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> And although I am not a "touchy-feely" kind of gal with strangers, I'll hug you cuz I was where you are a six months ago {{{{{{A/C0810 }}}}}}

Here is a link in the meantime to help you until your book comes. It was in "Just Found Out" which is a discussion forum here. Just Found Out thread by WAT

There are many people here who will be able to lend an ear, give advice, opinions...we're all at different stages of what is going on, but our goals are mostly the same: personal wholeness and/or (hopefully) restoration of our marriages if at all possible.

I'm sure we'll have other chances to interact. Stay strong, you are among friends.
K

<small>[ August 29, 2002, 07:05 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A/C0810:
<strong>Nick, dont you think my WH knows that i am going through hell with this OW, without me having to say something, i just dont know how to approach the subject. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You'd be amazed at what WS don't think about. If his fog lifts for a few seconds, he might rationally conclude that this situation hurts you horribly, but I guarantee you he will rationalize his behavior in very short order and then watch out for the incoming fog.

I don't think my H really gave much thought to how much he was hurting me until the night he found out I was on Xanax for anxiety. My BP was sky high (and this for someone whose normal BP runs around 80/60), my *resting* heartrate was 120, and I'd lost 40 pounds. Gee, think I was a little stressed?

Please don't assume that your H takes more than 10 seconds once a blue moon to think about your feelings in all this. His head's somewhere else entirely. Sorry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">maybee i should wait a while longer and keep lovebanking. Its only been 3 weeks since he has been apart from the OW, maybee it needs to die a little on its own. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wait until you get the SAA book and can read it. Maybe read it cover-to-cover a few times. One thing I found helpful in dealing with my own H (and may or may not work for you) was to tell him ahead of time that I wanted to have a R talk and set a tentative time frame for it. "I'd like to talk to you this weekend about things." or "I think we should talk before you leave for...." And then let him choose the final time. That way he didn't feel ambushed by things that were bothering me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you think they can keep up a stable relationship over the computer till she comes back here..</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unforunately, those of us who've tracked down multiple email accounts and seen several hundred $ cell phone bills can tell you that yes, they can. They can play cutesy games with each other, send impassioned "God, I miss you so much" emails, and e-cards saying how wonderful the other is and how they were meant to be together (soulmates, don't you know). They can call each other. They can make plans to meet somewhere between where WH lives and OW lives.

Trust me, just because they're not in physical contact, don't think that means the A will die out quickly. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Remember the first rule of surviving infidelity: Take care of yourself first. These message boards can really be a life saver.

Mere

thanks Avondale and mere for your replys. I took your advice about asking for a R talk with him, asked him if he came home early from work next week that we need to talk, he grunted uhuh, which i guess mean yes. So, now i am sick as ever, wondering what answers i am gonna get, which i know they will be not what i want to hear. I dont think that i am gonna ask for the NC with the OW, i think its too soon. thanks A/C0810

Hope you are fine today. A few comments on things you have mentioned:

<strong>Any suggestions on how to keep adding to the love bank, when WH makes it nearly impossible.</strong>
You have 1 advantage over OW - you can deposit Love Units more easily as you are around him, she is not. Dont expect immediate reaction to it. Think of it as a water drip which over time will cause the stone to become smooth.

<strong>
Nick, dont you think my WH knows that i am going through hell with this OW, without me having to say something, i just dont know how to approach the subject.
</strong>
100% agree with Merentha. The short answer is: He has no clue, and guess what: he doesnt want to know about it, because that would imply he is doing something wrong. Instead, sticking his head into the sand of la-la-land is just so much rosier, easier for him.

<strong>
Do you think they can keep up a stable relationship over the computer till she comes back here
</strong>
Oh yes!! They can!! look at my WW & OM - geographically apart, saw each other maybe once every 3 months [without me realising it, doh!], emailing each other *daily*, calling each other every other day. And this for something like 2 years, possibly even 3-4. (my evidence goes back only about 2 years... my WW denies everything unless proven in black & white in front of her eyes).

The darn thing about long distance relationships is that reality is even further removed. Your husband sees in the relationship with OM what he *wants* to see - it's a 100% projection of his ideals, completely removed from reality. That, unfortunately, tends to make the fog even thicker, I'm afraid.

Again: dont get too discouraged, do your homework, try to get your husband interested in this sort of reading too.

Good luck.