UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm really weirded out right now. I was hoping that my H starting to read 'His Needs, Her Needs' would end up being a good thing. Don't get me wrong, I didn't imagine that this would not mean some tough questions...but here is a synopsis of what happened when he did:

H read that most A's are passionate, affair of the heart type A's (you know..the really hard ones to break free from) and that they involve really passionate sex. So, he asked me why I have been lying this whole time about the OM and what sex was like with him (we only had actual intercourse once)! First of all, I'm NOT lying! I can't remember if Harley address this issue in his book (I know he does on this site) but my A started out as an online relationship. OM lives in another state. I was separated from H. I only met OM in person after I had filed for divorce. I 'fell' for OM based on what I thought he was 'online'. When I finally met OM in person, I found out that much of what I thought he was...the man I fell in love with...is not what he really was. Did I have passionate feelings for him (of a sexual nature)? Yes, up until the time I actually met him. I had not had relations with my H in almost 9 years..and I was very interested in being with the OM physically...because I thought we were in love. He met my EN's in a BIG BIG way! I fell for it hook, line, and sinker.

Well, reality smacked me in the face when upon meeting him...I discovered he was mostly talk...and he was the most incredibly selfish lover I had ever been with. I was so crushed..I figured it was me...that I wasn't pretty enough...or skinny enough for him (I had lost tons of weight by this time through stress, etc.). He was only interested in me 'servicing' him. He was supposed to move down here after we met...after he 'tied up a few loose ends'...but after he drove off (from the time we met)..I didn't hear from him for over a week. I felt like a stupid high school girl again that finally 'gave it up'...and then was dumped.

It took me several more months to process all of this..no, the feelings did not immediately die for the OM..even after this. I tried to figure out if it was just a fluke...maybe he was nervous..I tried to rationalize/justify it any way I could. After brief meetings with him 2 more times, I realized my worst fears were coming true. The OM did not like to touch me in a sexual way...it will remain in my mind as one of the most humiliating experiences in my entire life. Yes, I know...if I hadn't cheated...this would not have happened. To this day, I grieve over all of it. However, I DID NOT lie...how do I convince my H of that!!!

Online relationships ARE different in some aspects from A's that start with a known/local person. There was never any passionate, wild sex for me with the OM. H thinks I'm lying because of the book.

The other point H is now convinced I am lying about (after reading some of Harley's book) is this...somewhere it mentions that many times when an A first starts....your M may seem to improve for a bit...because the WS is getting unmet needs fulfilled by the OP...and so some of the pressure is taken off the BS..and the WS appears happier for a bit. Well, H is now thinking that my A started way before February of 2001...like in the Fall of 2000..because we had had a horrible relationship for about 10 years..and then I 'seemed happier' starting in the Fall of 2000. I started going to church..and reading the bible in the Fall of '00 in my effort to prove or disprove..once and for all..the existence of God (I had been a lifelong atheist until this point). I made friends at the church..and started attending bible studies, etc. This is why I was happier!! And H knows that this is when I started doing all of this. I met the OM online in February of 2001 - we didn't even have the internet in our house until January of 2001!! H even put a spy program on our pc so he has records of almost all the early convo's!! Darn it..he can tell by reading them...that it was a new relationship. Does he think I had an affair with possibly an OM#2 in the Fall??

OK folks..I have about had it here...I will take responsibility for ALL of my lies..and the pain I caused..but I cannot..and will not be continually accused of everything else under the sun! I was hoping H's reading the book would help. I never expected to get accused of additional things that I never did. How in the world can I prove that I didn't do the things above to my H??

Help me, please! I'm ready to reconsider getting a D...because I feel like this is a no-win (and I mean a 'win' for our M..not me personally) situation. If he can't forgive, he needs to be honest and let me go.

Sorry for being so needy...I just don't know where else to turn...

YR

<small>[ August 29, 2002, 06:44 PM: Message edited by: YellowRose ]</small>

hi yellowrose,
I'm the bs, and I think I may be able to offer some advise as to where your husband is coming from in his time line of your affair.
I know for me I spent months and months trying to
peice all the peaces together in my head. We are
nearly 2 years into recovery now, and things are
going really well, but it has taken at least 18 months for me to stop trying to work everything out, his movement/behaviour wise. Largely because I feel so stupid. Stupid that I didn't know he was having an affair, stupid that I trusted him despite the many many strange things happening. I still don't have an exact time line from him, and it is important too me. I have a
rough idea from him, but the peices just don't fit. I think it may have been going on for months before he will admit too. And it has driven me nuts <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
I can understand why it is driving you nuts too!!
Truely I can, but I think it may be insecurity on
your husbands part. And fear, that it went on for longer than he thought. I really can't put into words why this is so important. What I do know with certainty is that if you have given your h the details (sorry have only seen 1 of your other posts and that was a reply too honey)
that you gave in this post, it should help him a
LOT. Surely knowing someone was not ahem <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> A very adept lover must help him enormously.
I personally would love to hear that my h's ow
was "no good" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Sadly I don't think this would be true in our case. Our ow is a prostitute,
so I'm sure she new what she was doing. Oh, h
didn't know that this was her job by the way, he did not know she was a prostitute till months later. YUK!!! Anyhow, I am sidetracking myself here.

When was your d day??

Hang in there yellow rose, it will get better and easier.

Heartsore, I accidentally duplicated this post. I move a copy of your reply to the other thread I had...thanks for your reply!