There are 2 instances that my H omitted (just to say it kindly) about two women. I will tell you about the 1st one now and I'll post the 2nd one later.

I found out my H was being pursued by a coworker from his job, she lives in another state. He did not tell me about her at all. He said he had handled the issue telling her that he is "happily married". I know that I should be happy, but I found out by snooping, (I know-not nice) that she would talk to him by instant message, telling my H about her emotional abuse at home, and relating to my H about her life issues. My H is very caring when it comes to someone who is in need.
And I guess because he listened she fell for him.

He never told her about our issues, but she was persistant...sending "I'm thinking of You" Cards in his computer, also sending for his Birthday an e-card stating "Happy Birthday to my " Soul Mate". She even wrote Him an email where she poured her heart, and said that she would get like to make love to him. And that she wanted to be the chick on the side. My husband never gave in. But he never told her to stop contacting him.
She was the one initiating the contact not him. He would politely say Hi and if it was not related to business he says he would ignore her.
But he never told her to stop contacting him.... she was contacting him as a friend.

It was very difficult for me to know that my H hid this from me. He said that he had handled the situation and he didn't see why I should know. He didn't want to see me get upset. I don't know what kind of "game" she was playing but she played it well.

I guess the question is was I over reacting to the fact that this felt like a betrayal even if he did not give in?

Maybe there is a communication gap that I thought didn't exist in our 15 yrs of marriage. I was wrong. Just need to have some validation of people who have been there and some encouragement. I just want to thank you aheadof time for your responses.

Marisol

<small>[ August 29, 2002, 06:01 PM: Message edited by: MariD ]</small>

You know..I'm always hesitant to reply to posts like this..because..I don't want to discourage someone...or make them suspect something..where something does not exist...

BUT!! I will give you my opinions only...I am actually a WS (a wayward spouse..the one who had the affair)..and I have to tell you that your H's conduct..his 'handling of this'..sounds very fishy. The thing that I find the most 'telling', if you will, is the stuff that you saw the OW emailing him and saying.

Your H had no business 'helping' a woman with her issues outside of your knowledge. It is so very obvious that she 'fell for him'. He should have terminated all contact at that point..or at least brought it to your attention. My guess is that he is having an EA (emotional affair) at the least with this woman. Since you indicated in your post..that there was something to do with yet another woman...I would venture to guess that your husband is not telling you the truth.

He is using standard WS tactics to try and deflect your attention from an A. Comments like "I'm handling it..."..."I've handled it"..."We're just friends"...and the ever infamous..."I didn't see why I should tell you"/"I didn't see why you should know"..."I didn't want to upset/hurt you"...

Puhlease!! Typical WS babble! I don't know whether or not your H has actually had a PA (physical affair)..but his secrecy regarding this woman..especially given her completely inappropriate comments...is not a good thing. If he had nothing to hide, you should have known about this all along...and you could have helped him cease all contact. Sounds like her admiration/pursuit is 'doing something for him' (meeting some need/fulfillment in him) and he doesn't want to give that up..pretty much EA stuff.

MariD - betrayal is betrayal whether he had a physical encounter with an OW or not! He is entertaining a relationship (yes, communicating back and forth..and all this other stuff constitutes a relationship) with another woman that is obviously in pursuit of an inappropriate relationship...he has kept it secret from you, his wife...he has not stopped the communications..and he denies to himself and to you that you had any right to know. It has hurt you..he has broken trust with his marriage partner..it is wrong...that is betrayal in its simplest form.

I encourage you to read everything you can about affairs..especially ones that start out as EA's..read this board...post your questions..and I would purchase some of Harley's books. Your best defense at this point is to educate yourself first about these types of things before talking to your H again. Read about Plan A, etc.

I'm sorry for your situation and your pain...

Hugs,

YR

YR, thanks for your post. Being on the other side gives it somehow a different persepective.

I failed to mention this happened over a year ago, and the pain is getting to the numbing stages. The woman was so infactuated with my H that she even said she would talk to me, because I knew of her e-cards and she wanted to tell me that it was her that was doing all the pursuing not my H. He is the innocent bystander in all this. He said all he did was have a regular everyday conversation and asked her questions.

He tells me that she is crazy for even trying to get to him because there was nothing. I told my Husband that he was having a kind of an emotional connection with this person, and he assures me that he was not at all. Maybe she had more of the emotional affair.

As of Today, she is was fired from her job, and contacted my H once to see if he can be on her reference List. And of course he said Yes. That was the last time he heard from her.

The OW is single. We know her mutually. He tried to set her up with his brother who lives in another state. My H was acting like the mediator between the two...I say this because I found out she would come to him and ask my H about why his brother hasn't called or emailed her..and then in turn his brother would talk to him about certain things about her.

Anyway....my H invited her out to lunch without me knowing...it was only once...yet i found this out again by snooping (not nice) that they wrote emails to each other. In one he had invited her out for a lunch "engagement" (also known as a date, appointment, etc.) And this was going on before the coworker I talked about in the first post was around.

I was hysterical when I found out. She wrote how she valued his friendship. She would ask him questions about relationships. She told him that she felt comfortable around married men. Maybe so, you can see the goods but you can't touch it, kind of deal. Sorry, just venting.

Did I over react again?

He says he didn't think of it as a big deal, because he often went out for lunch with people and never mentioned to me about it because thats how its been since we were married. I on the other would tell everything because I thought that is what Married couples are supposed to do.

I really felt out of the loop. I even told the OW that I needed to talk with her. But I did not go thru it. So she asked my H about me. He mentioned that I was upset that he didn't tell about the lunch. N ow I feel that she know she was a threat to me. Right now I am doing better, she is off to College.

Of Course, I do not have anything against my H going out to Lunch but when it was this person, because I know he finds her attractive, I just flipped. Would it had been a man would I have reacted like this, I know the answer is No.

My H is being a little more open with me now. Thats the good part that has come from this experience. He decided not to go out for lunch unless its with a group. But still sees it as no big deal. He was involved with the person emotionally or physically.

I felt so betrayed. I lost about 12 pounds last year because of it. My H says I like the drama. And that I get ridiculous suggestions when I go online to gets people opinion on this.

Hey this is how I am coping for right now.

Thanks for hearing me out.

I also want to know:

Some women see these situation has no big deal. They may he made mistakes and move on. I would like to know why some women may think this is Ok? My H says I have low self esteem that is why I feel this way. Any comments would be appreciated.

MariD

over a year ago
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