. He's pulled his paycheck from our account and truly believes I was hoarding all the money while he was living with OW for almost six weeks. A week ago I calmly asked him to leave the house, he was angry, shocked and distant. Unfortunately, later that evening during a difficult conversation with one of our children, WH showed such disrespect, I slapped him for the first time in our 32 year relationship. I used very strong language and demanded he leave immediately. It was so tramatic. I have kept my patience and love intact during a long Plan A. When he left for so long, dumping me with all the responsibilities, I knew it was time to turn him loose. He was supposed to be getting an apartment in the area and be available for the kids. To save money, I let him into the house(separate floor)until he found something. It became clear to me he was not serious, and that's when I told him he had to go. I know getting physical was a big Lovebuster...not that he didn't deserve it. I also recently found out he's had affairs in the past. When questioned about them, my WH was cruel and smug. I feel like such a fool. Steve H. always said the man he is now, isn't necessarily the man he's always been, nor the man he will be in the future. Now that I know WH has done this with co-workers in the past, I'm devestated all over again. Our life is so sad. He wouldn't even agree to give me money for the kids expenses...he told me to take it from an equity fund. Just what we need, to run up the loan payments. I can see his anger at me. He sees me standing in the way of his happines with the OW. I just can't understand his lack of concern over the children.
He's always been such a devouted father. I'm so hopeless now. My family is in shambles.
Wintergal

Wintergal,

Since you have already been counseling with Steve H, I don't think I can add anything constructive.

Try to take care of yourself and take it one day at a time.

Occationally, I am able to find some peace by thinking in a certain way. At the moment, I'm not sure I can even describe it. You are you. Your H is another person whom you can't control. You will survive. You and your kids will not starve. Take time for yourself. Keep your head up. I'm sorry. These sound like empty phrases.

I try to think of it this way: I know who I am, and I am going to be ok, no matter what my W does. I don't go looking for justice. Honestly, I think the best justice would be to let my W and OM be together. They would be miserable. But really it shouldn't matter to me if they are miserable or gloriously happy in that event. It has nothing to do with me. My W is not the person I thought she was. My mistake, but we all make mistakes and I can survive this one.

I know it is more difficult in your situation because you have been married much longer and are dependent on your H.

I'll try again. As long as there is one thing in the world that I want to do, I can be happy - just doing that one thing - or even thinking about doing that one thing. Right now, I can think of hundreds of things I want to do. If I stop putting all my energy into my marriage - give it up, I will have so much more energy for other things that I care about. Until then, I continue to try.

Oh, and in the event of a D, your H will likely be assigned the bulk of the debt, so don't worry about that too much if you have to borrow because he won't supply basic needs.

-AD

Wintergal,
So sorry. I know sometimes things seem hopeless. I have been there too. Just try to hold on. I know it sounds trite but things will get better eventually. It is the EVENTUALLY that is hard to take. Hold your head high and be strong, you owe it to yourself to maintain your dignity. I am also dependent on my WH financially, sometimes I hate that more than anything. I wish we could just do without him. But, right now we CAN'T and I know that deep down my WS, and yours, also know it's true. It is part of THEIR DECISION they will have to accept and take responsibility for.

Take care of yourself, remember you are HUMAN, and try to focus on the things you have control on. Let go of the others. All the worry and sadness on your part won't change them. I have learned at least that. Work on being the best you that you can be, love your kids, realize YOUR worth. Then when this horrible thing is finally resolved you will look back and be PROUD of what you accomplished under stressful, awful, circumstances.

Love and best wishes.
S