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Hello all. New to the board, but have been following Dr. Harley's web site for seven weeks since DDay (which I assume is the phrase for the day I learned about her affairs.)
The history lesson: 18 years married, lots of issues. I was always suspicious, etc. figured she would cheat because of my self-esteem problems. She did, in fact, have several flings and affairs, as did I over the course of the marriage. Finally, she met someone who became more than an affair. She fell in love.
She told me about her affair and made a choice to stay with me. We set about trying to find a way to rebuild a new, stronger, better marriage. We turned to Marriage Builders.
It's been helpful, and in fact things were getting better, until recently when we had a major LB episode and since then she hasn't been responsive to any efforts on my part to reengage in building the marriage. In fact, her comment tend to be along the lines of "I'm done. I'm done with this." But she isn't entirely specific what "this" is, and I can only assume it's our marriage, the ongoing effort to save it or even the desire to save it.
The episode is probably worthy of noting, so you can have insight: She works with the OM. It's a dicey situation, and financially we are simply unable to do without that income. She is going to have surgery soon, so looking for and training at a new job must wait. So she gets to go to work every day and deal with all the associated issues surrounding her affair. She has told him it's over, and has done just about everything I've asked to protect herself from any potential attraction. However, he's walking around in a depressed daze, so bad that she worries he'll kill himself. So bad that I even went to talk to him about his depression. (Talk about putting the "fun" in dysfunction.) At the same time, people used to seeing the two going off to lunch and working out together are wondering why that doesn't happen anymore.
Anyway, we had a long weekend visiting relatives. That was stressful enough, being around family who sense something is wrong, but you don't want to confirm it. Then, Monday morning this week, I was getting ready for work and noticed her sitting on the bed staring at the wall. I asked what I thought was an innocent question. "Are you thinking about him?" And it was on from there.
Here's the gist -- I won't let her deal with her issues the way she wants. I keep making her talk about the past issues, even though she keeps doing positive things to show that she's trying to make it work here. I realize she's in withdrawal, but my own insecurities prompt me to want to monitor every thought she has.
Anyway, realizing I had a real problem deeper than issues with her, I went to a therapist who said I'm dealing with low self-esteem issues. I'm positive now, feeling better about my efforts and looking forward to what this therapist and Dr. Harley can do to help me.
But, the problem now is simple: She's totally disengaged. She still smiles, says she loves me, even kisses me goodnight. However, we're talking about a separation after her surgery and I think she's eager for that. It may be that she simply needs room or space or whatever to be with herself, or it may be that she's simply ready to move on. I don't know.
I do know I want this marriage. So, I keep doing what I can to be a decent guy, trying to control my self-esteem urges, even trying to put the past where it belongs. It's tough. No positive feedback from her makes it tough.
So, my question is really this: What do I do to reignite her desire to make the marriage work? For the first six weeks, she was gung-ho, and we were pretty darned close, almost like teenagers. I don't know if this recent episode makes her think she was faking it, or if she's stuck in withdrawal or what. But it is getting critical around here.

Chorus
Married 18years (DDay on our anniversary!)
3 kids -- 17,14,11
Going crazy, which should work out because she says she's already there.

Quite honestly this sounds pretty normal. You guys are still early in the game. My suggestion - plan a nice dinner for the two of you tonight. Maybe a dinner out to a nice restaurant, or plan to make something nice with candles and whine at home. Simple say something like this is to help us relax a little and see that we will have our ups and downs but I believe we can make it through this together. End! Don't talk about the A or the M unless she initiates. Enjoy the evening for what it is.

Later this weekend when the two of you have a chance to talk let her know that you are not trying to push her or be insensitive to her feelings and/or space. That you just want to help her. You know that you need to let her sort some things for herself and that sometimes you should just wait for her to come to you, but that it is hard because you care and you just want to be there for her. Let her know that you are working on that and you hope she can be patient with you.

You will have many ups and downs. Right now she is probably seeing this down as a failure and thinking it just won't work, how could you possible love her after what she has done. That's how I felt every time we had a major LB. Anyhow, the key is for both of you to remember that even couple that aren't faced with infidelity have their fights and disagreements. We need to work through them. Be understanding to her views and let her know that it's ok for you guys to have arguments. The important part is that you pick up together and work through it.

Two steps forward and one step back is still progress. I hope this helps some. I wish you the best, and if there is anything else I can offer, just ask. Take care.

Princess --
First, thanks. Second, I love your signature line where it says "OM -- well, he doesn't really matter." Funny stuff and right on target!
I realize it's early in the process, and you're right on with most other observations, except she doesn't really think along those "how could he love me after what I did" lines. She's had several affairs over the years. This one was "special" because she "fell in love." She initially agreed to work on our marriage because she said she loved me, but that part of her heart was dead after 18 years of my ignoring her needs and not changing when I promised. Makes sense. But, I agreed that some was better than nothing and decided to push on.
However, there is some positive light. Yesterday was a calm day, and with the three-day weekend coming up, my intention is to chill out with her and let her catch up on some rest. She's been ill, stressing over school starting for the kids and money, changes at work and other problems. As mentioned, the OM is her boss, but he's out of the picture for three weeks. Maybe that's why she's mellowing a bit.
I told her yesterday that I felt if she wanted to be with him, she would be. If she wanted to leave, she would have left. In other words, she must want to be here for some reason, and even if it is just for the kids, that's a start.
So maybe the boulder is moving just slightly. We'll see. I have to be careful not to push too hard, to recognize when I need to back off instead of pushing to get my emotional needs filled. The MC I've seen (she said she'll go when she gets a day off. let's hope.) said I have to be cautious that I don't push to get my low self-esteem fix. I have to realize when she's doing things that normal, healthy people would consider fulfilling, and that my needs are almost too much to fill in some cases. For example, if she holds my hand, I can't let myself think she let go too soon, or she used to hold it tighter. I choose to think she will one day never want to let that hand go.
We'll see.

Again. Thanks for the reply. Nice to know people are reading and feeling the pain.

Chorus

I know how it is to inadvertently push too hard. The thing is to make sure she understands that you know and that you are working on that.

You are right, even if it is for the kids, it's a start. Let her know that you realize that things won't happen overnight, and that you know the two of you have a long hard road ahead of you, but that you love her and you are willing to walk down that road as long as she is by your side.

Let her know that you understand it is hard on her as well, and that you will help her up when she is down, that she need not be afraid to ask. Share with her what makes you tick and inquire of her what makes her tick. Let her know if you don't know the answers.

One of the hardest things for me to do was to tell my husband "I don't know what you like." I mean in general, to have fun, go to eat, stuff like that. I told him that I had such a hard time bringing myself to tell him this because I felt that as his wife I should know and if I tried harder I could figure it out myself. Well, you can't, so ask.

I know how hard it is to be going so well and run across a boulder in your road. I've had that a lot over the past year of recovery. It will pass, and things will start to run smooth again. Just always remember, when you run into that boulder, there is a way around it, and two steps forward one back is still progress.

Take care, and good luck.

I think the most difficult aspect right now is trying to understand if she is simply caught in a fog of confusion, ready to simply let it all go and be on her own or pining for the OM. I believe her when she said she has finished the affair. The hardest part of that is her feeling that she found someone different from other affairs. She loved him. He "let her love him," as she said. And, he loved her without qualification, something I haven't done in all the time I've known her.
So, today she was very nice, even said the I love yous and gave kisses, but her pattern has always been to do that, then tuck it all away and move on. Eventually, I've discovered, she slips into another affair.
I can relate. I did exactly the same thing and even "fell in love" with someone else. But, in the end, I realized it was false and brought myself back to the real world. Now it's biting me in the butt! lol..
So, if she's given up, she's simply riding this out until -- well, whenever. Maybe when our youngest is old enough to stand on her own as a person, or when my W gets a better job, or something.
Or maybe she's simply lost and confused. I don't know. At this point, it would be -- or seems it would be -- almost detrimental to poke at the wound, so to speak. It's only four days since she said "I can't do this anymore."
Maybe she's subconciously waiting for some sort of validation from me. I don't know. I just keep pressing on.
Oddly, today I found some strength. Reflecting on my therapist's thoughts of my low self-esteem, I listened to the new Pink song "Pill" and realized in many ways it applied not to what she might be thinking, as I once thought, but to my own feelings. In many ways, I'm addicted to her and it's a bad addiction right now.
Still, I think I also realize more than ever that I want to be married.
So this weekend should be interesting. No pushing yet. I'll wait three days and see if she says anything that might prompt a positive discussion. For example, before that boulder bounced on my head -- using your term (good choice, btw) -- we were looking at new houses. She said she didn't know if it was plan for escape or what, but she was happier than she had been in months. Worked for me! Heck, I'd move to the North Pole if she wants to work things out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
She does ask if I'm alright, referring to our issues. Again, not sure if she's trying to jump start the process or simply making sure I'm not going to drink Clorox some night.
It's very weird. It's almost a compulsion to sit around worrying about this stuff. Oh how I wish we could just wipe the slate clean and start over doing the right things! Personally, I'm pretty much past the affairs now. I do worry that if she is faking it, then she's ripe for another affair. Being in the military, I go on the road a lot, and that's typically when she's made her move. That's when I made my move, come to think of it.
Well, just venting I guess. Will update as things progress.

And thanks for the words. I like the fact that I'm talking to a survivor of the process. It gives hope. And would like to hear from others!

Chorus

Add one more thing, Princess. I notice D-Day was July 14, 2001. Ours was July 14, 2002. June is good for weddings. Is July a good month for revealing affairs?