Please, help me with the withdrawal. I am tempted to contact OM so bad that I am shaking. I know I have an anxiety disorder and it makes it harder for stay away from the contact. I want to deal with that on my own, without my dear H's help because we've been already through one withdrawal last year and it hurt him so much that I'd like not to get him involved.

Just venting. I've set up an appointment with C for next week, but from past experience I know that for couple hours I shake and can't concenrate and it hurts so bad. And it seems that I know all reasons and words and can recognize the pattern of withdrawal moments. But need support to live through the moments. Any ideas? Thanks.

Faraway-
I know how you feel as far as the withdrawal and sorry that I cannot help.

I have been posting in the emotional needs forum ]lengthy thread] My ex has been back into my life for some while now and we planned a getaway this weekend. It is now 10:00 and I am supposed to leave at 12:00 to meet him in a state that neither of us live in and I am dying because I know that I do not need to go. I have been married to my h for 4 years and together a total of 9. I dated the OM back when I was 16 and I feel like I still have feelings for him. We talk about 3 or 4 times a day.

I NEED SOME HELP HERE TOO!!! What do you do to get through this. He has been calling me here and I have been trying not to answer. The anxiety is making me physically ill. HELP!!!! I know that I do not need to go but I want to. My clothes are packed and in the car right now.

FarAway,

I am replying to you because I am curious about your situation - you being the OW to a man who was your HS sweetheart. I am curious about this because my WH recently had a PA with his HS girlfriend, and I believe it is different than other types of A's.

As the BS in a similar situation, would you mind of I ask you some questions? I am hoping it might help me to see this from the OW's side.

1 - Is your OM married?
2 - How "serious" was your relationship when you knew the OM in HS?
3 - Why & how did the relationship end then?
4 - How did the contact begin again? Who initiated?
4 - Have you always thought about this person thru the years? How seriously?
5 - You say the A has destroyed your love for your H, have been thru withdrawl before... why are you still there?

I've got lots of other questions, but don't want to overwhelm you. I would really appreciate hearing an OW's feelings about this unique type of A.

Thanks,
Shelle

Faraway-
I know how you feel as far as the withdrawal and sorry that I cannot help.

I have been posting in the emotional needs forum ]lengthy thread] My ex has been back into my life for some while now and we planned a getaway this weekend. It is now 10:00 and I am supposed to leave at 12:00 to meet him in a state that neither of us live in and I am dying because I know that I do not need to go. I have been married to my h for 4 years and together a total of 9. I dated the OM back when I was 16 and I feel like I still have feelings for him. We talk about 3 or 4 times a day.

I NEED SOME HELP HERE TOO!!! What do you do to get through this. He has been calling me here and I have been trying not to answer. The anxiety is making me physically ill. HELP!!!! I know that I do not need to go but I want to. My clothes are packed and in the car right now.

Mrs. K - don't go! I know the feeling, the anxiety, the pull. You'll regret later. Or your M is history, really. I feel like that myself. With ex - it is different kind of A, but it is still A.

Yes, you think about this person thru the years and when you meet him you feel in love without doing anything. It shocks you at instance and it is much harder to get over.

Belle, I'll answer your questions later.

I believe it is unique type of A. It is different because a couple get separated when they young for various reasons, but never get thru mourning over the broken relationship. Then when they meet again - the closeness is shocking and disturbing everything around.

1 - Is your OM married?
Yes, for 10 years.

2 - How "serious" was your relationship when you knew the OM in HS?
We were a steady couple from 16-20, not only in HS but during college years, too, even we lived in different cities.

3 - Why & how did the relationship end then?
I ended it because of LB and not met EA from him.

4 - How did the contact begin again? Who initiated?
I initiated the contact just trying to find out how he was doing, not feeling threatened by that at all. I went back home and met a lot of lost friends of mine. My H knew about it. But OM started our first conversation with "I love you and have been for all this years" that shocked me to the core and torned everything upside down. I don't think he expected me to fall in love with him again, but I did.

5 - Have you always thought about this person thru the years? How seriously?
I always remembered him and wondered how he was. But in my memory he stayed the same and was not "good enough for me". Then when we met I saw how he grew, became a man I respect now. Plus "this old feeling" made it to deep EA.

5 - You say the A has destroyed your love for your H, have been thru withdrawl before... why are you still there?
After the first meeting OM and I didn't see each other for 1.5 year. Then met again and I thought I could handle that. And I can better than the first time, but not strong enough.

There is a Web Site lostlovers.com that needs your input as BS. You would understand your H better when you read the material there. The members of the board there (including myself at some point) believe in everlasting love and talk about that a lot. Don't get overwhelmed by that, o'key? And let me know if you have more questions. I wish you luck.

Far Away,

Thank you for your open & honest answers to my questions. I appreciate your willingness to share the other side of the story. I tried to look at the website you suggested, but there is a $10 charge to access the message board.

In my WH's PA, there was no initiation of re-contact, they ran into each other in a city/state that neither would have expected the other to be in. It was totally a opportunity thing, and only lasted a few days. My H said it was more of a "hey - I had her once, I can again" kind of thing, and he never intended to leave our marriage. He ended it - got tired of her. I guess playing "remember when" loses its appeal pretty quickly.

Oh sure, he had feelings for her, but they were more of the reminiscing type and fondness for his youth than actually picturing her as a part of his future. He told me on D-day - "We had a lot of plans before YOU came along!". Hmmmm..... if she was so great, why didn't they stay together, and why aren't they married now? Plans made at 16-20 years of age don't often pan out, and looking back at my own "plans" at that age, am I glad they don't! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I am not totally unsympathetic to the other side of this - I had a 4 year relationship in High School to a guy who I thought would be my love for life, my "soulmate", my world.... etc...
We broke up when he enlisted in the Army, and I thought I would die.... I didn't! If we really were each other's "Forever Love", wouldn't we have fought he!! or high water to not be seperated?

Sure, he's a great guy now too - we have kept in touch by phone since his parents still live in my area. I have very fond memories of our time together, (he was my first SF) but the only time I have ever thought of him in a romantic way was only during times of stress in my own marriage - when I wondered if he would have been the better choice. But I don't let it go more than a thought - it's definitely nowhere near an obsession. I wish him the best in his life & marriage, and consider him a friend.

Your signature line says - "17 years married to the great guy". He's so great that you are toying with his feelings & future by continuing this EA?
Why have you given up on "the great guy"? Did you try to save/improve your marriage after the first meeting with your old BF?

I agree that coming in contact with an old love can be shocking - I've had that experience with others as well. But you say the "closeness" is shocking & disturbing - I think it is more familiarity than closeness. Just because someone seems familiar does not mean they are the same person that you knew years ago.

You said YOU ended the relationship due to LB and unmet EN's - what makes you believe he'd be any different now? You were with him over 4 years and then decided he wasn't good enough. People don't radically change after patterns are set in adulthood, but I guess it's possible.

He probably just looks more "appealing" to you now because something is lacking for you in your M. Why not work on that? It seems kind of lopsided - on one hand you have an ex of 4+ years that did not treat you well, and on the other hand you have a 17 year marriage to a "great guy". Seems pretty clear to me that you are bored.

But be careful - it is not just YOU & HIM in this charade of "everlasting love" - you both have spouses who don't deserve to have their futures put in jeporady or their hearts broken. They may be LB'g and not meeting EN's, but they deserve to hear that from you & have a chance to change things BEFORE you go any further. You owe them the chance to make decisions for themselves about the future of your M, but it's clear from reading the MB site that 99.9% of WH's take the cowardly path and please themselves first.

Of course your old BF said he loves you - as his long-time GF, you will always hold a special place in his heart. Appreciate that for what it is and be happy for the life he has CHOSEN for himself that does NOT include YOU. I don't mean to beat up on you, but you are playing with fire and I don't think you realize the hurt you may possibly inflict all in the name of "love".

If he is so great, why did you not come back after your trip and immediately start making plans to divorce your spouses and be together?
Hmmmm.... too complicated? too much effort? Or is HE not interested in more than a fling with you? Watch out - that's what my WH did and I almost can feel sorry for the poor gal. She got caught up in the "everlasting love" of it, and all he wanted to was to see if she would still let him in her pants!

Sorry to be so harsh, but PLEASE consider EVERYONE involved - not just your own feelings.
My advice would be to work on your M with the great guy, and tuck the memories of the not-so-great-guy back into the dark corner of your heart where they belong. Your H deserves your love and you are short-changing him by continuing this fantasy.

Good Luck.
Shelle

Wow, Shelle, what a support you gave me! I changed my profile to have "re-evaluated my love to H" instead of "destoyed". You should look at my story again and find that I had EA. And words "still struggling" are there. I am glad you had it all figured out for yourself and you H and his feelings for OW.

But I was trying to get a support for the withdrawal not a lecture with questions: "why don't you start a divorce?" I was shocked by this old feeling, and was scared not by "too complicated" way to be together with OM, but by the fact that the shock made me question my love for my H! It took a while till I could accept that OM has his place in my heart. I worked on myself, trying to understand better my needs and my personality and doing it I was working on my M as well. And I am successful because I've grew through that, not blaiming my H for LBs or circumstances and respecting him. Respecting OM, too, because he didn't try to get into my pants: using your expression...
It took me a while to sort things out in my life, not only with A and M but with parents and friends and even my career. I had issues all over but didn't see them because of the life's rush. I still have guilt and still struggling, but I believe that not my M had a problem but I did... And I am still working on it.

Thanks a lot.

Far Away,

Sorry for not sugar-coating my posts so you would find them more palatable. I call 'em as I see 'em. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I acknowledge that I don't have much patience for waffling. As a BS, I am jaded and defensive. My intention was not to "lecture", but to honestly point out some things that you may not be thinking of as you continue to struggle with your feelings of withdrawl.

If you were looking for someone to make you feel better, I guess I wasn't the one who should have responded. I know you were looking for support, but we don't always get what we ask for. (We sometimes get much more!)

I give you much credit for the work you have done to save your marriage and to avoid contacting the OM, and the strength you showed to not allow it go further into a PA.

I encourage anyone else to reply to you that can help you with the withdrawls.

I hope that your anger at my responses means that something I said struck a cord for you. You may not like what I said, but I honestly was trying to help by sharing my story & thoughts, and I appreciate you answering my questions as well.

Good Luck with your struggle.
Shelle