Joule,

I reread my post to you, and sorry if I came across a little harsh. Every now and then, we have people from other web sites (that support affairs) come and lurk here. When I saw your post and your question, it set a red flag to me, possible even a OW reading my thread.

Ive been in both positions actually, which doesnt appear to be welcome here... but i can see things from both sides. I understand your pain for sure though. And being in those shoes brings a whole new light to things. Even when i was the OW, i started off as the GF, he cheated on me and went on to marry the OW when she got pregnant. Turning me into the OW technically since I believed him that he was in a "trapped" M and continued to see him. Wierd I know... So even as the OW, i was the one betrayed. Once I moved on, I got engaged and thats when I experienced it solely from the BS side. And thats why I hope that either way, you are happy. It took me alot to get over both relationships and both betrayals, especially since they were both very long term relationships and having a child in the middle of it all. I truly believe you love your H, and I truly believe youll find a way through all this despite the pain. I think he does love you or else he would have done the walking a long time ago, but at the same time i hope if he does come home, its your happiness that comes first and foremost. Good luck. Id love to continue keeping up with your story to see how things work out for you, if im welcome here of course.

joule -

I am actually only a WS and I usually feel pretty welcome here. I ask for help..and I try to give help as the case may be. I'm sure that not everyone likes what I have to say..and I know there is no way that this many people are going to agree with each other on everything, so I try to just keep the good stuff and 'toss out' the bad.

You are welcome here, also....please don't let a few responses stop you from wanting to contribute or ask for help if you should need some.

Regards,

YellowRose

GC - sorry for highjacking your thread....

Hello everyone.

I think this is only the 2nd time I've ever said anything on the discussion boards, but I've been lurking for a while, hoping to learn as much as I can from others. It's good to know that I'm not alone in my experiences and pain (and sad, at the same time).

I've witnessed lots of love & support on this forum, and it brings me hope.

G_C, I don't have any advice, but you are in my prayers.

Sampras Fan

Just a thought--isn't one of the biggest problems with WS and OP that they think feelings "stay" as Joule said? That they allow themselves to be run by emotions and feelings alone rather than doing the right thing and working to regain the romantic love that can and does fade with time and reality? The whole MB formula gives you a chance to keep that romantic love alive. As SH told me, RL is very conditional and so we must each be responsible for keeping our spouse happy with us and in love. If we just run around following our feelings this world would be a hell of a place. Feelings follow thoughts and are only a product of our thinking system. Each of us has our own way of functioning and looking at life based on our past experience etc. For that reason we must realize that our thoughts are just that--thoughts, NOT reality. I hope I am making sense.

As for GC, she is obviously an incredible woman who loves beyond measure. She will get to the place you describe in due time. This is all a process. For me, 5 weeks into Plan B #2, I finally am just (for the most part) dealing with me. WH has to work out his own stuff! Thanks for reading this!

GC -- What are your weekend plans? Are you going to see WH or did you decide otherwise? I hope, in any case, that you do something good for yourself this weekend. Take care.

I'm sure you are aware that the 'talk' could mean you might get hurt again. It is possible he may be coming to take back some of his clothes. I suggest that, if the conversation gets difficult, you walk away saying you need to go to the ladies' or something. Then you could do something around the kitchen or in the garden while he does whatever he wants to do around the house. I think you have a right not to have to listen to hurtful things he has to say.

I do remember that when you asked him to promise that he would not talk to her again, he said something to the effect of 'that's ok. I don't think she wants to talk to me'. I'm sure the OW is angry at him for moving out while she was gone.

Best of luck for tomorrow.

- relate

<small>[ September 07, 2002, 03:30 AM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I love your one word answers now. I may come by tomorrow so we can talk, I am
playing golf in the morning in X at 10:00. I am staying at my grandmothers babysitting her dog right now. Joy, Joy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Soooooo, do you think he's irritated or just wondering. I wonder what he wants to say. He also tells me in that email (without me asking), that he is staying at his grandmothers (close to his job, 2 hrs from OW), is he trying to tell me he's not staying with OW??
The bad thing, though, is that where he will be playing golf in the morning is about halfway between our house and OW's house, yuck!!

So, should I respond, ask him what time he is stopping by??</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GC, I truly believe that if you can back off for awhile, it will give him time to figure things out and he may do another 180. He does not like your one word answers, you can see this has an effect on him, keep it up. Try to continue to back off, the less you are avaiable for him and have contact with him, the better I think you will be. Remember a few months ago what happened when you backed off. Try to show him what life would be without you always being there, I don't
think he is going to like that very much at all.
What is the longest you have gone without any contact, including e-mail?
Take care,
Dave

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by unsureheart:
<strong>GC -- What are your weekend plans? Are you going to see WH or did you decide otherwise? I hope, in any case, that you do something good for yourself this weekend. Take care.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well...when he mentioned it in his email that he "might" come by, I didn't acknowledge it, he didn't come by, and since where he went today is between here and OW's, I guarantee he's spending the weekend with her, yuck.
Nothing exciting here, worked out in the yard all day, getting ready to leave to do some shopping.

Relate:
well, he didn't come by, I knew that he most likely would not so I would not set myself up for disappointment

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by davepr:
<strong>
GC, I truly believe that if you can back off for awhile, it will give him time to figure things out and he may do another 180. He does not like your one word answers, you can see this has an effect on him, keep it up. Try to continue to back off, the less you are avaiable for him and have contact with him, the better I think you will be. Remember a few months ago what happened when you backed off. Try to show him what life would be without you always being there, I don't
think he is going to like that very much at all.
What is the longest you have gone without any contact, including e-mail?
Take care,
Dave</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm trying to back off, the longest that we probably went without talking was 2 weeks, this was while he was out of work, so didn't have access to a work email. He was still living with OW. I just happened to be home one day in the middle of the day during that period of time and he had came by to get his mail. He had said he missed me, but wasn't going to contact me and cave in first.

GC- So sorry. Hope you have fun shopping, HE is still confused.. play it safe and stay distant.

I am having money issues and called ws to ask him to work second job or something to support kids, and we got into lbs. He seems to think my salary is sufficient. At least your ws pays some for his obligations. YOu are lucky there.

Keep taking care of you , and keep the space.

Kooky ws of mine- asked if I wanted to live with him today...he is yanking my chain.

Hugs to you, HOney

just got back, I just want this to be over, my patience is dwindling by the second. He should be here with me right now, not there..

Going Crazy - you sound very bummed - you are right he should be there with you - but right now he isn't and unfortunately there isn't much you can do to change that right now...I know how miserable you feel and how everything just basically bites.. I don't think we deserve this - I don't think anyone deserves this - I wouldn't wish being betrayed on my worst enemy it is just really a horrible situation... I think maybe you should throw in a funny movie and try to take your mind off of him - or again - tonite you are gonna go crazy dwelling on it and I should know because I tend to do it all of the time - and I wish there was like some switch you could just turn off to get yourself out of this mode but unfortunately there isn't - and I hope that you can start thinking about something else - and I hope you don't have to bad of an evening - will be thinking about you - Keep your chin up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> !!!

well, I got my jammies on already, getting ready to go to bed, I'll work in my Rejoice Ministries workbook for awhile, just got it this past week. Probably thumb through a whole bunch of books I picked up at the library .

BTW, National Lampoons Vegas Vacation is on, does that count??

Woke up from a nightmare about h and ow number 2. He fille d my poor head with some real winning material when I called earlier today stressed over money. Asking him to please find a way to help support kids.. he just took it as lb and went off on me....

I am gald you are taking care of you in your pjs and watching a movie and doing your reading, etc. I do love the restore ministries workbook.

Hugs, HONEY

I am sorry. Looking at the facts, what I am advising is going into plan B.

You had a 3 year marriage which he left when you were 27. He's lived with someone else for nearly 2 years. He was also in his 20's when he found her and left. You have no children. The things he's saying are really difficult, and you don't want to hear him.

I can't remember the book and the verse (I think Deutronomy), but this is what the Witnesses (and the Protestants; I was a Protestant before beign a Witness for 2 year, and I am a Protestant now again) advised me in a similar situtation. There is a verse about when a man does not want his wife, he gives her a certificate and sends her forth. And she must go out of the house and become another man's. I think it says that she can remarry any other man, but if she does not find favour in the eyes of her second husband, she should not remarry. Ofcourse this is all from a very male point of view. There are instances where the Bible describes divorce, even though with great causion, even for that era. Where there is infidelity, it warrents divorce whithout hesitation. I listened to them and I went. I only gave it about 1 year for reconcilliation, a period of plan A, plan B then a last try and D, which coincides with the original MB time frames.

Therea are so many things to do in this world.

- relate

ps: Deutronomy 24

<small>[ September 08, 2002, 07:55 AM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

Hey - Vacation - definately is a funny movie - I hope your night was ok - and today is another day - don't let this all get you so worked up again - enjoy the day - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> - I will check in later to see how you are...

Hi GC- HOping today is a better day for you. You do not know he is with OW... so block out that thought. I just hate that you think he is with her. Just think he is without you.. what matters most.

Have a great sunday, Honey

Relate:
Plan B is your opinion, I counseled with Steve, he knows the entire situation, he advised Plan A so I am going to stick with it.

Hi - How are things going today?? Any contact with your husband or have things been calm?? I hope that you are feeling better about things!! You also have to do what you feel is best people can you there opinion but ultimately the choice is all yours.... I hope for your sake you get some answers soon.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />