<small>[ September 04, 2002, 02:58 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

<small>[ September 04, 2002, 02:58 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

AD,

One of the most difficult things for me to do was to seperate my home life from my work life. In fact on my D-Day #1 I quit my job on the spot. Now, in my case I had already been informed that I was being laid off in 2 weeks anyway, so no harm done really. But I did and do regret the way I ended up leaving that particular job. Especially since I ended up going back to work for the same company a while later.

I had much turmoil in my life with my marriage after I went back to work. It was extremely hard to keep it together some days. But I had to cope and find a way to do it. Many, many lost hours of production on my part.

All I can say is I feel for you and I understand where you are coming from. Always keep in mind how you felt at your lowest, when unemployed...A man has to be working to feel like a man, or a whole one anyway.

Being without a job certainly won't help your marriage, will it? Stay strong my friend. I am with ya.

jd

<small>[ September 04, 2002, 02:59 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Look, I hate to say it, but you are either going to have to plan A, plan B or plan D.
You cannot do all at once.
Taking their letters and hiding them in case of a Divorce is a Love Buster, sorry, I know you want to protect yourself, but this can only be seen as an Act of War on her part. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

AD,

There are some "mechanical" things you can do to get yourself back into a Plan A mode - and at the same time, get your head back in your job. It's tough work. I know. My husband kicked my legs out from under me last April by posting intimate details of my female problems on the EN board, and I couldn't concentrate, plus all the pressure from co-workers and I just snapped. I lost my job.

For two months I was in a tail spin. It wasn't the spin cycle your wife is putting you through. But the tools for getting the train back on the track is the same.

First, tell your wife (Plan B Style) that you cannot accept calls or e-mails from her during work. You have to focus on work during those hours and you'll be happy to talk to her when you get off work. Then stick to it. Have the receptionist screen your calls if you have to. Block her e-mail from your work address. Turn your cell phone off.

Then don't read this board while you are at work. Make yourself a check list of what you have to get done. And sucking down the pain, you focus on the task at hand. And then give yourself permission to leave as soon as the check list is completed or you're out of time.

Once you get home, go exercising - walk - it will help clear your head from the depression fog you are fighting that keeps you obsessed with her and the PROBLEM. If she wants to be with you, she can walk with you - wouldn't hurt in the fog-end of her mind either! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Then eat a balanced meal - lots of vegies and fruit; with a little lean meat, and low on the white carbs like pastas and breads and potatoes. Then focus on the 15 hours per week relationship time - chunking in a block of time on that check list.

If you can, get a pot pourri pot and fill it with lavender oil and water at night. It will help you sleep and it will also help with the depression.

Think "mechanical" - one step at a time. And then just duck your head and do it. I found a job mid-July and I have a non-specific offer on the table to become another company's business partner/consultant on a project. As soon as the $$ and support $$ to implement the programs I tell them to put in place, I'll be moving into that opportunity.

But right now, it's duck my head and do my job. Then work on marriage things when I get home.

<small>[ September 04, 2002, 02:59 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

<small>[ September 04, 2002, 03:00 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

A lot of people on this site have gotten great help by having a phone consultation with Steve Harley, or one of the others.
I think they could give you INVALUABLE advice on what plan is the right plan for now and your future. They've helped others figure out which plan to do, and how to maximize efforts.
Btw, be easy on yourself, you're doing your best in a tough sitch. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ September 04, 2002, 03:00 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

I completely disagree with Blueberryskies, snooping is not discouraged by the Harley's.

Taking or moving those letters was you're perogative, and you're right.

If your W is in an A then that is much more of an "Act of war" then snooping!

You are married.

FYI on lavender

It doesn't really have a "feminine" fragrance and it is a natural anti-depressant, especially depression-induced insomnia. I've had to use it to lower my cortisol levels (stress hormone) and EVERYBODY is susceptible to increased cortisol levels during marital conflict.

That's why I suggested it - from a completely clinical stand point.

P.S. I WOULD photocopy the letters. Let her think what she wants right now. She's obviously going to anyway. And you have custody to think about right now - what is in the best interest of your children?

AD,

The price of a session with Steve seems steep but he can probably help you more than 2 or 3 sessions with a local MC/IC. The first session will be to gather info but if you can provide him with a background writeup before hand, it will help speed up the process.

Now as for your panic attacks, I had them also, every day for about 10 weeks several times a day then a few times a week for about 2 months then 1 once a week for about 3 months, then now poof, no more for a long time. It does go down over time. Each new revelation tends to bring it up but your panic reaction will get less and less. Eventually I was more confident and the A was more shakey. That is the initial desired goal.

I first learned to breathe during my panic attacks. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Know that this is all a temporary thing and look for ways to strengthen your inner being. Build a strong support group and if 'lavender' helps, hey you're a man..... do you like quiche? LOL!!! Do whatever you need to help keep yourself mentally and emotionally healthy even if it means ticking the WS off every so often. Don't worry about her state of mind (she is not worrying about yours when she is with the OM - by phone or in person) so don't extend that courtesy until she is worthy of it.

JMHO,
L.

OOOPS , hit the enter button before I intended. Blame it on the lavender! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ August 31, 2002, 01:43 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Hi AD
All kidding aside about the lavender (it made me smile too)KaylaAndy did make some good practical suggestions about trying to concentrate on work. We're all going through that struggle to compartmentalize between work, kids & family, personal junk, etc., to different degrees. And when thoughts of your spouse are consuming you, its difficult to concentrate. Just remember to not go backwards to what happened with your previous job (if I remember correctly)..go forward!
And I would also copy the letters and give her the originals WITHOUT comment, even put them back where you found them if you want to when she's not there. I had to do the same, for legal proof per lawyer.
Hope your weekend goes smoothly. And will look for any report after Tuesday's meeting.

AD-
It's expensive... but do anything for your child's sake, and yours. Other BS have gotten amazing advice, and since you stated that your LB is getting low, I would consider this an emergency. Beg, borrow, but don't miss that phone call!!!

Deep breaths can also calm you down. If you close your eyes and focus on your breath it works twice as well. I've had panic attacks for years, and I simply do controlled breathing. Then I say to myself, this is a panic attack, nothing to worry about, and it goes away. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:35 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>