There are too many issues, he says. I'm not going back. My wife said it's a mid life crisis but no way, it's not. This is it for me, he says.

Okay. I get it. Just really painful today. Don't know why. Just have to hear it all over again, you know?

Tell me this sounds familiar.

Anything, just tell me.

Terri, your H hasn't stopped blaming and bellowing since this all started. If he calmly came to you and had an adult conversation where he admitted his wrongdoings yet still said he was not interested in reconcilliation....I would believe that. All this other stuff...is hot air. He's saying it as much to convince himself as anyone. Honestly, if I were you, I would act like I believed him and live your life as if that's the case. I don't mean you have to give up...but it would give him a real taste of the life he insists he wants. As long as he thinks you still want the marriage, he'll keep running.

SO glad you're around Hope.

Okay, you're right. I just needed some perspective. I should act as if I really believe him. Remind me how I should do that. Should I wear my rings? Should I just ACT happy? No relationship talk...?

Thanks for keeping me above water. I have to go to a family dinner tonight and I dread the thought of it. I have to go to a wedding tomorrow and I'm already having panic attacks thinking about it.

Hi T- I am a bit better this afternoon... but after loads of nuts comments like that that you mention last nite, mixed in with my h saying... a few things with bites of hope attached... I was ready to pull my sheets over my head part of today.

Dress up and look pretty , that in itself will make you feel good.

I am sorry he is still blowing the hot air... I do think a bit of distance... be kind when you must deal with him, but leave him alone the rest of the time... we must let them have what they want... to be alone, to share the kids, etc.
hugs, HOney

T,

Here's a shot of support that may keep you going....... U R Beautiful, sane, a good mom, a good W, a good person, friendly, talented and good-looking. Right!?!?!? (Please nod - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

Now, go forward to the dinner, wedding and every other event (in and out of the home) with that thought. So that when you H makes those stupid statements, it will be evident to all including him that 'you do need to give him up. Staying with him may ruin your reputation!'

Agree with them (using the babble technique), then turn it around (another babble technique). It'll do wonders for your stress level and leave them in a quandry - but remember that's not your problem. Let 'em wonder!!!!

take care and have fun!

L.

ps: don't forget to breathe...... slowly (it'll reduce the anxiety attacks).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Terrified:
<strong>
Tell me this sounds familiar.

Anything, just tell me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A couple of weeks prior to H and I starting in recovery, he was so ANGRY. I was informed that he most definitely wanted a D, and that was his FINAL decision!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

We're now 15 months into recovery.

It can happen T. It's your H's anger issues that are the biggest stumbling block for you right now. And until you can be certain that your H's comments are NOT being said based on emotions (if he's been patient and consistent over time), then I would conclude that he's spewing more babble to try and hurt you.

Karen

One counselor told me see if he does the same thing for 3 months consistently.... I think in the last 3 months he has been all over the place... lbing you , angry attacks.. wanting to be at your house, etc. going to an event with you, I think?

Just remember that- again, you are beautiful, wholesome, vibrant, and able to achieve that which you desire. Now of course we can't control our ws or others... do take care of us... now let me swallow this advice and take it. I know what I should be doing... and did again today and yesterday.. friday nite is another story.. I wont even get into... I was back to begging. BUUZZZZ Doesn't work.

Hugs, HONEY

Hello everyone,

Well, the dinner came and went on Saturday. I attended. I was sad BUT I was there with D. She enjoyed herself. I felt like my spirit had been removed but I guess over time, you get that back. It's grieving, right?

When he had come over on the Saturday morning, he had sad those few words so angrily. "Yes, I told them there was no hope. I wasn't coming back. So take your rings off."

I was thinking of doing just that and now, I have just re-read Lostva's story. She never took them off. Although Robert did get angry she had them on...so I'm going to keep them on too regardless of how people think.

Sunday, the wedding was beautiful. H would have loved it as his former self. D was a hit at the party in the evening. She danced, she sang...she was on video with the bride! And her father missed it. D fell asleep on the way home which gave me time to think about how he's convinced himself that this is the right thing to do. Scary.

Orchid, I have to learn that reverse babble technique.

Topie, Thanks for reinforcement. Yes, he's angry fairly consistently...people tell me that he seems normal with them. Not angry...is it only with me that he's like this?

Honey, Thanks for your support. (Try not to beg.) I haven't pleaded in months but I have asked "WHY" and "Is this pain worth it?"

Again, hugs to all of you.

Just an update...H came over early on Monday morning (10:00 a.m.) and didn't leave until 9:30 p.m.). Okay, I was wrong to let him stay, wasn't I? D really wanted to see him and spend time with him. He had argued with his parents and really had nowhere to go. Not that I have to worry about it but I did manage to stay out of the way and do things around the house in different rooms. I think he missed us but maybe I'm wrong.

Just a few tidbits...get a call at 9:30 a.m. on Monday morning from one of H's co-workers who had gone into the office to do some work and found that her equipment was missing. She noticed my H's laptop at his desk and called us to find out if he knew anything. IMAGINE...she's a fairly close co-worker so I'm a little unprepared. Thought H was telling EVERYONE by now, you know??

H comes over soon after. In one sentence, makes mention of "OUR" property...hasn't used this word in a long time. I ignore it.

D wants to eat with her papa...asks me if I can make both of them lunch. So I do.

He puts her down to sleep and doesn't leave. I go outside and do some gardening.

H goes down and watches TV. I stay outside and don't dare venture inside because I DON'T want to talk or understand him at this point.

D wakes up. They go for a bike ride. We barbecue. H says, "Me barbecuing isn't good for your well being..." I reply, "you're right...but you know how I love labour day barbecues...I always like to celebrate...

After dinner, I go for a 20-minute jog. Come back and need to rush to the bank machine. H promises D an ice cream so they leave at the same time. I come out from the ATM and H drives up with D and yells SURPRISE..."you want to come get an ice cream with us??"

Oh boy...we do. And I continue to be shocked with no expectations.

I know I did it all wrong today...should have asked him to leave but I yearned for a little bit of family time too.

If you knew you were doing things the wrong way yesterday, then why did you allow it? Do you think that your actions helped you in your plan A?

I'm really torn on your situation T. I really am. When reading your update, all I felt was sadness that you enabled your H again. But then again, SH told you to be in plan A. But does plan A mean allowing your H to stay in YOUR house all day without your permission?

Try and learn from this T. If you could do yesterday all over again, what would have happened differently?

Karen

Topie, That's exactly my dilemma. SH did say to stick to Plan A. What Plan A means in my case? I'm not sure anymore.

I'm scheduling a followup with Steve H. to discuss my Plan A efforts and what they should be...

What would I do differently? I don't know. If it wasn't a stat holiday, I would have left for the day.

I haven't told anyone, besides MB, that H was over. We did receive a few calls but I said NOTHING about his presence.

I've learned my lesson. Keep things to myself and MB.

Thanks Topie.

Terri,
It sounds like a Plan A day to me. No LBing on either of your parts. Just look at it from the perspective that your daughter had a nice day, she is your priority right now.

You were kind to your H, sort of took a day off from the relationship stuff. That's ok. You didn't hover on him or press him...and that is a change from what he expects from you, right? Perhaps could even be considered a 180, doing things differently.

If you want to wear your rings, that's ok, you're still married, nobody has served or filed any papers right? I had to get mine fixed, wore them, took them off, threw them at my H's head (no no no), wore them, took them off, he put them back on when we re-said our vows privately. I took them off, H took his off (they weren't fitting us), we got different bands....So, having tried all the options <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> , I think whatever you do is ok.

Terrified! You sound like what I am going through. Mine is bitter towards me after 26 yrs of marriage (Bitterness started March '01). Now, he's been gone since Aug.22nd.
We have 3 kids (19,16,12). He threats a divorce. Mad because I am willing to fight it. Evil talk (everytime he calls here at the house) & says things just to hurt me. I use the I.D. caller alot now! My heart and prayers are with you and your family Terrified.

Terri ~ he wasn't being abusive, and his presence was good for your daughter right?

I think you did very well, and his invitation for ice cream is proof <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

T,

If the visit yielded good results, then it was a good thing. If it yielded bad results then it was not beneficial.

So what does that mean? Well if you are in plan A, then you did right (to be cautious - staying out of his way), then accepting the icr cream invite. You are making these choices not him.

Remember that his A is more of an EA than a PA. Do you know of the status of his A?

Even if you don't you still have the upper hand since....you are making the choices not him. You have the strength to stay out of his way and also spend time as a family. You did quite well and maybe in a way he was testing the waters.

Well hon, put on that beautiful smile and make him wonder some more. He probably felt good being with you all and may have felt a bit awkward. That is ok.

Don't jump up for joy yet but I would say that yesterday was a positive thing for you. Your daughter seemed to be ok with most of it.

Enjoy,
L.

SO good to hear from all of you.

Lor, You're so funny and HUMAN! I've done exactly that with my rings. Sometimes yes, sometimes NO...it's a CRAZY rollercoaster of emotions. And strangely enough, it did feel like just forgetting for a little while. However, yesterday, he was cool and distant once again yet I SAID nothing. Didn't react to his 180. God, it's hard.

HM, Thank-you. The one thing about MB...SOMEONE has "been there" at least once!

BR, I'm glad you think it was OK. Just don't get my hopes up, right?

O, Hm...results? I guess feeling good for even a short period of time is positive (although frightening!). Perhaps he feels this way too?

I have to embrace that upper hand theory. I keep losing it. Thanks for reminding me.

And of course, my D was especially happy.

Hugs to all

Gotta find those moments of victory or blessings when we can. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I had a anniversary yesterday and not a word. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
First time in 26 years: no H, no word, no one! Lonely on this side of the relationship that is NOT! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

My first time to post. I too am holding on to my M. My dh is (I believe) in MLC. He was 43 when this all started (March '01). He announced he was bitter towards me. He joined the gym, shaved off his mustache, fixed his '82 'stang to run over 150 mph. Works all the time & now: He's building bulk, still no mustache, gets speeding tickets, joined a University on-line to get a BS degree in management. Adores a woman at work who is Chinese with a brain (no offense to the Chinese) & her ideas. She is married with 2 girls and goes to the same gym (longer than he has). He claims it's not physical... to me it's still an affair. He is demanding a divorce but, found out not financially possible. And HATES me & is discussed being around me, (I make him ill just being in the same room with him)& say's "Your hiding behind God!" & gets upset - cause I won't go down without a fight.

I am lonely, missing the times you use to share.
I hate the sin he is in. He is living like a single man now for the past two months. I am so lonely... I gather he isn't lonely. I don't even care to have all the facts on his doings. That's satans way of getting the better of the work God is doing in me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />