Slowly, but surely, my A is becoming a distant memory. That couldn't have been me who took that risk, who broke my vows, who disrespectd my husband and lost all self-respect. But I'm working through this and, while I still haven't told my husband (I know, I know...), I'm realizing some things about myself, the reasons behind my foolish actions, and working to understand the things I'm feeling right now.

Here's my question for former WS's - is it possible to continue to work with the OM and go through withdrawal? I know that NC would be the best, but it isn't possible at this time. It is difficult, we hardly speak and don't look each other in the eye. I'm trying to deal with the situation maturely, yet feel that he is purposefully doing hurtful things to make things more uncomfortable. I'm finding that it is not him that I miss, but those feelings, so I'm trying to recapture them with my H (where they belonged in the first place.) But now I find that I'm jealous of other women in my building - as though I am the OW and he is my WS! That is the part I can't get over - I don't want him back...but I don't want anyone else to want him either. It is crazy - he's married and I've never felt jealous of his wife. So why this? Why now? If I could get through these crazy feelings, I know I can get on with things. Am I kidding myself?

I know my situation isn't exactly the same as others on this site - but I am working to rebuild my marriage after an A and hope that my experiences can help others in some way understand how it happens and why. I also post whenever I can to discourage someone who is contemplating an A to read my story and be smarter than I was.

I never ever imagined how profoundly this A would affect me.

"I'm finding that it is not him that I miss, but those feelings, so I'm trying to recapture them with my H ..."

OK ... exactly WHAT "feelings" are you talking about? Describe them.

Then ........ after you get all those missing feelings described ... how about you describe what else goes into a happy marriage besides "feelings"?

MARRIAGE is NOT ALL about feelings .... there are important elements about marriage that you seem to forget.

Are you all about feelings? What else do you offer the world, your husband, your family, your community? Just feelings?

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Pepper...you bring up a great point that I have come to realize in a clearer way in the past 8 months. Love is more than feelings. It is loyalty, honesty, trustworthyness, faithfulness, forgiveness, kind heartedness. All these things are not feelings but instead they are things we have to do to make our marriages good. When we break these things the feelings of love fade.

It is so important to keep these things and make your spouse feel like they are the most special thing on earth. If you do that then the feelings will come with it.

Work on getting these things back in your marriage and the feelings will be aimed towards your husband instead of aimed somewhere else.

Just a suggestion. When you have those feelings at the office ask God to take them away and HE WILL . The feelings are satan attacking you because he knows where your weak point is now.

Praying for you right now!!

Love in Christ
cajunky

<small>[ September 01, 2002, 07:18 PM: Message edited by: cajunky ]</small>

Slowly but surely ... apply this to your life .... just a suggestion.

road map to recovery

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Pepper - I've been thinking about your question and I guess the feelings I miss most are the excitement, the feeling of being special, the feeling of being desireable...and even though my husband is capable of doing and saying all the same things the OM did, they feel different coming from someone else. Yet I know that this was all a fantasy - just words and actions that he used to manipulate me...and I also know that I allowed myself to be manipulated and I will never allow myself and my marriage to be so vulnerable again. I've been reading the book Affair-proofing Your Marriage, which talks about EAs even more than PAs. It has helped me understand some of why I did what I did and how to keep from doing it again.

I know you are right about marriage being more than feelings. It is so much more - and I'm working to break away from being stuck in the "feelings" and move on to be able to give my H and family what they really deserve - a W and mother who is really there with them, 100%. Not this crazed person living in the fog of "feeling."

cajunky - I am taking your advice and I have really been thinking about my relationship with God. How I felt sucj tremendous guilt at the beginning, but began to justify it as time went on. I've fallen away from the church and I hate myself for that. Since reading your post, I have decided that whenever he pops into my head, I am going to ask God to help me - I believe in your faith that only God can take those feelings from me and replace them with the appropriate ones for my husband. Thank you so much for your prayers - it means a lot to me.

Pepper - thank you for that link. I've printed it out and will read it often. It is so true and just shows me how far I have to go. How did I ever let my life get so out of control???