If anyone can help me with this, please........my first post was yesterday with my basic info.

I am still in our home with my WS, and I feel like I am losing my mind. I am un-officially in Plan A, just because I'm not sure if this is what I do first, but I think it is? But I literally can't stand anymore of my WH "talks" with me about his affair. The gist of it is- "I would never have done this if you hadn't been so --insert anything here, I am guilty of it all! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ),
you don't want to accept any blame for my affair, you led me to do this, I've been unhappy and you wouldn't help me," the list could go on and on, I've literally heard about it all. And then sometimes he does a 180 and tells me how sorry he is for hurting me. My head is spinning 24/7 as a result.

I am unsure how to respond to this. I want to plan A, but I also want to keep my self-respect and sanity. He believes that he has met all my needs, otherwise I would be having an affair, so I can't tell him otherwise- "don't try to make it sound like you were unhappy because if you were I would know, I have met all your needs, blah blah blah" . I've tried to tell him that I can't meed all his needs all the time, if I haven't met a need I am sorry, if he was unhappy then why couldn't he help with understanding what he needs? But everytime I try do say this, he basically tells me I am making excuses for myself - "You are my wife, you should know what I want. you are making excuses NOW, for not wanting to meet my needs then". I hear this so much from him that I HAVE started to believe I was the most selfish, horrible woman that ever became a wife.

Has anyone gone thru this? WHAT is going on? Am I losing my mind? I feel so, so, guilty......please help. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

henrietta,

Thats a pretty common WS tactic to blame the BS for the affair. Another hope is that it will make you mad enough to make you lovebust so they can justify their shabby behavior. The key is to just not react to it and continue to Plan A. If he can't push you to lovebust then he will eventually stop and turn his focus on himself. But if you get mad, he will have a lightning rod for his anger and can continue to divert the blame. This will probably blow over if you conduct a good Plan A and don't react to it.

Tell him that you KNOW you weren't a great wife and didn't meet all his ENs but now you are willing to try. That should take some of the wind out of his sails.

One other point. Does he think that having an affair was meeting your needs? He says he has always met your needs. Did he meet your needs by doing that and is he meeting your needs now? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

thanks, Melody Lane.......I will do what you said the next time he starts in on me. It just makes me mad, though.....because while I know I certainly have made mistakes, I don't believe I was a bad wife. That is what hurts so bad- the things he uses against me are greatly exaggerated or not true at all. Like him saying I am not affectionate- I am a very affectionate and needy person (in terms of wanting affection, I mean), and I am always initiating affection with him. And him saying I am critical all the time- I am not! Of course I have criticized him in the past sometimes, and he has also criticized me!

Overall, I feel I have contributed more to the marriage and sacrificed more than he has for us. How can a WS blame the BS for not meeting their needs, when the BS has been trying to and just doesn't get what it is exactly that they want? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Henrietta,
You said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He believes that he has met all my needs, otherwise I would be having an affair, so I can't tell him otherwise- "don't try to make it sound like you were unhappy because if you were I would know, I have met all your needs, blah blah blah" . I've tried to tell him that I can't meed all his needs all the time, if I haven't met a need I am sorry, if he was unhappy then why couldn't he help with understanding what he needs? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are there any of YOUR ENs (Emotional Needs) that he hasn't met? If so, next time he brings up your lack of meeting his, in a calm manner <--that's important -- tell him about yours that he hasn't met. In spite of that, you are staying true to your marriage vows/covenant. Remember, you have chosen to take the high road by being faithful! But try to not get too argumentative, just make a point and leave it at that. You need to focus on you at this time too!

I think it's difficult, almost impossible, to have total discernment in meeting the needs of another, no matter how long you've been together. Communication plays a BIG part of that, and is also a common area where we are all weak.

And don't worry, the kind of things he's saying is typical mumbo-jumbo (known here as "fog") from a WS trying to justify actions for which there is no justification. You've admitted you're not perfect, and none of us are! But don't buy into the totality of blame he is dumping on you! Have you read "Surviving An Affair" by W. Harley? It will really help you see this for what it is. Another good book would be "His Needs, Her Needs" - especially if you could get your H to read it too (but read it for yourself if nothing else).

Good Luck!

<small>[ September 02, 2002, 04:36 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>