I really don't know how I have been living like this. But, I wanted to know if there was anyone else in my position. My husband cheated on me 10 years ago. I found out when I got suspicious and called by GYN regarding an infection I had had. I asked if it had been an STD and sure enough, it was. That was 1/8/04 when I found out. But for quite a while I had thought something was going on, I questioned over and over and was told no that there was no one else and stop acting psycho...So, my instincts were right on after all. But he says that it was a one-timer and nothing further. Yet he continued to have her on ride-alongs (he is a police officer)....Other incidences occurred throughout the years with different women but "never anything sexual"....So, here I am at 33 looking and thinking how unfair my marriage is to all involved. Our two children and us. I don't trust him still. If someone were to ask me if he was currently cheating, I couldn't say "no". I think he could be. He says he isn't. Herein lies my dilema. Is it possible that I have developed such familiar way of life that I am resistant to change? I want to trust and feel the freedom but the fear factor is keeping me frozen to the same way of life. I am VERY DEPRESSED <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> and I think that after ten years I have worn out my buffers. Everything hurts and memories are fresh. I wish I could force amnesia on myself because even memories of my wedding and children are soiled by this. Has anyone been through something similiar and found that they could trust their spouse again?

It still hurts because it has never been resolved or admitted. The problem is compounded by his subsequent deceit. The problem is still there, it was never openly addressed and dealt with. And the reason you don't trust him is because he is untrustworthy. You would be crazy to trust an untrustworthy person. He has never openly admitted his acts, shown remorse or taken steps to protect you.

There can be no recovery, and no relationship really, until he is honest with you and takes steps to change. Until he does that, you SHOULDN'T trust him. I would suggest reading as much as possible on this website and perhaps going into a counselor who is familar with MB principles.

You aren't psycho, but you will be soon if you continue to live in this hell of wondering!

Here is what Harley says about it:

From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.

Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.

But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.

It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.

After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.

The Policy of Radical Honesty is one of two rules you must follow to protect your spouse from your self-centered behavior, which includes affairs. The other rule is the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). If you were to be completely honest with you spouse, and you were to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, an affair would be impossible, unless for some reason your spouse wanted you to have one.

If you knew that your affair would be discovered -- that right after having sex with your co-worker, your spouse were to find out about it -- you would probably not go through with it. And if you were honest enough with your spouse so that YOU would be the one to tell him or her what you did, your honesty would be a huge reason to avoid any affair.

How the victimized spouse should respond to the revelation of an affair is a subject of a later column. I do not have the space to treat it here. But a spouse is twice victimized when he or she is lied to about an affair. Truth is far easier to handle than lies.

[I would suggest printing this out and asking him to read it]

Thank you Melody for your reply. I have been reading and reading. We were going to go to the MB weekender in San Francisco but it was cancelled. We still took the days off of work though and decided to go and stay somewhere to try and figure this out. I feel like I need a set of instructions laid out on what to say first or look at first. Historically, we argue no discussion. He gets very defensive and then siderails the conversation. I get pitiful and angry. I ordered the books in hopes that this will assist us. I know we have a lot of issues but TRUST is the one that I think we need to work on first. What is "recovery"...is that where I will be if I stay with him?

Hi AJBRIS,

Welcome to MB! As you can see from my signature line, it was about 10 years later that I found out about some of my wife's A's....

The pain that you feel is just as bad now even though it was 10 years ago. MelodyLane is right... you and your H haven't processed his affairs.

Only YOU can decide if you want to remain in your marriage. Read all that you can here on the MB web site and get a copy of the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder.

Semper Fi,
RIF90