H has been back at home since beginning of August. We both decided we would try it again, and this time, talk to Jennifer Chalmers. We've had 3 sessions with her, each one giving us assignments for one another.

H has been great...really he has. Doing things he's never done before. He leaves me flowers, draws baths for me, offers massages, helps with dinner & dishes, takes care of my dog, I could go on. All of this was pretty unheard of before the A.

I know you'll all think this sounds so ungrateful, but it seems like "too little, too late". I am having a really hard time appreciating anything he's doing.

I am STILL having many problems with intimacy. I'm OK with a hug or a peck, but anything more, and I'm a bundle of nerves. I get a very high anxiety level whenever he touches me. I have no desire for intimacy with him. This tears me apart, because I know it's tearing him apart. I just am to the point where I feel this isn't going to get any better. He's tired of being unhappy, and so am I. I'm about to give up.

I am in tears off & on all the time, because of the indecision. This is a person who I have alot of history with (good and bad) and i still enjoy his company very much, I just cannot get myself to love him the way he should be loved, and it's breaking my heart to see him take this rejection.

He keeps asking me if i want a divorce. I don't know what to tell him.

I'm just so sad all the time, and really feeling at a loss. Do I just wait around to see if this love will ever come back? I know he doesn't want to waste any unnecessary time with me.

Please help. It just feels like decision time.

inafunk - Sounds to me that you are still in the throes of withdrawal from the OM and your relationship with him. Most of what you posted still sounded very self-centered and I'm sorry if that offends you a little. It's time that you DID make a decision to honor the decision that you already made.

You decided, for whatever reason, that together with your husband is where you need to be. Now, since you don't "feel" fully recovered after a such a long time (admittedly a little sarcastic) of a month or two, that something must be "wrong" with your decision. Rest assured, there is nothing wrong with your decision. What you are feeling is normal. It's a cliche, but it IS going to take time, and decidedly more than a month or two.

You seem to want the "feelings" for your husband first. It doesn't work that way. Feelings come last. You first choose to love him and then act in a loving manner. That simply means that you get out of the self-centered, what's in it for me, mode and start GIVING. Yes, that means giving your husband what he needs to "prove" your love. He seems, from what you posted, to already be trying to give you things that you need regardless of how traumatic this whole experience has been for him. He IS practicing love. Now, quite frankly, it is your turn. It is time to "deny self" a bit and act like you love him. Don't worry about the "feelings". As you both continue to give each other what each other needs, you will wake up one day down the road and realize that you have become "in love" again.

If you happen to be a Christian, there are a number of resources that can help you with this also.

Time to get that last "foot" out of the past and begin moving to a great future together with your husband!

If you had been involved in a serious automobile accident where every bone in your body had been broken in two, would you expect to be out of the hospital and up and running doing the things that you did before the accident? Well, in a spiritual way, you certainly have gone thru one. Jennifer Chalmers has shown you what you and your H have to do in order for your marriage to heal, but no matter what you decide to do (work on the marriage or end it), there will be PAIN, and if you and your H are faithfully carrying out the assignments that Jennifer Chalmers gave you, the pain your going thru is THE PAIN OF RECOVERY.

Look there is no guarantee that even with an all out, honest effort on both you and H's part, that your M will be saved, BUT at the very least, you will not be haunted by the rest of your lives by the feeling that you gave up without really giving it your all. Every so often there are these folks that I call hit and run posters (they writte a few posts and are never heard of again) that have told how they find themselves in new R's, and yet they are still haunted by their failure to attempt to save the previous one. These people ran away thinking that they were leaving all their PAIN behind only to find out (often too late to do anything about it) that the PAIN followed them on to their next R. How would you feel if you divorced your H and some time later you found out that he got married and was very happy with his new W? Then the old saying 'you don't know what you have until you lose it' would become a very bitter and PAINFUL pill for you to swallow, wouldn't it?.

<small>[ September 02, 2002, 12:11 PM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Thank you for your replies.

TMCM: I almost feel like he should go on to meet someone who can treat him better than I. He doesn't deserve what I am giving him (or should i say NOT giving him.)

He said when we were apart and he was with someone else, (yes he had an A too) that he knew what it was like again to feel admired. I just can't seem to do it on my own. This "acting as if" thing is really difficult.

Last night we went to a party, and he didn't know it then (but he will now) but i had a panic attack and had to hide in the bedroom for 1/2 hour. I just keep wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life, and why am I dragging him down with me.

He said he saw a side of me last night that he hasn't seen in awhile. Some friends and I were looking at a book called "Intercourses" (an aphrodisiac book). There was a pic of a naked guy with oysters on the 1/2 shell on his stomach, and i made a comment about I'm not crazy about oysters, but I'd eat them like that. He said to me this morning that he realized I'm still the same girl he married, fun & sexually open, but I'm not that way with him anymore. He pointed out that if he made a similar comment, than I'd look at it as degrading, etc. He was right.

I just don't see our sex life getting back to normal. But I don't want to lose my best friend.

Mrs Funk...what are you two doing, either together or individually, to work on the marriage. Are either of you in counseling yet? Are you still resisting any type of help via antidepressants? What are you actually DOING in order to make your life and marriage better?

I am in IC again, starting tomorrow, and we've both been in MC with Jennifer. I am going to call (finally) my doctor re antideps...this is getting ridiculous.

Yea, I forgot you said you're talking with Jennifer. That's good, that's a start!

I'm glad to hear you're thinking about the antidepressants. It's so difficult to believe that things can be better when you feel so horribly depressed. I hope it helps you to feel more positive towards life.

The other thing that I would suggest is to NOT dwell on how everything "feels". You don't "feel" this way or that way towards your H and you wish you did. Feelings are ever changing and ever changeable. With time and a change in action...you WILL feel better. The level of anxiety you're describing to me sounds like you're feeling pressured to feel a certain way...and I'd be willing to bet the greatest pressure is from YOURSELF...not hubby. Do something to relax and try to let go of all the images and thoughts you have that keep telling you how things are supposed to be.

The other thing I'd hope you'd let go of is the thought that hubby is wasting his time on you. Exactly what do you or he think dating is??? It's a gamble...spending time getting to know someone to see if there's a future or not. There are no guarantees with any relationship. Yes, when you date you get that nice little ego stroking bit that feels good...but it's not a permanent thing. Learning skills to create a marital environment that suits you both CAN be a permanent thing, and a wonderful one!

Hang in there...it's one day at a time.

It's only been less than 3 months since you ended contact with OM and you and your H's expectations of being able to resume your sex life so soon after such a traumatic experience, is unrealistic to say the least. Once again I use the example of an accident where you were badly injured, and ask you if it would be realistic for you to feel bad because you won't be able to drive for a long time? No doubt that sex is an important part of a M, but it is not the only thing that makes a M a M, and if you and your H can acknowledge this and make it part of your mindsets, then both of you may be able weather this painful period in the healing. Don't sabotage both of your efforts by giving in to temporarily unrealistic expectations.

Patience is a virtue for a reason.

Cultivate your patience .... it does not come naturally for some of us ... all the more reason to cultivate.

You'll need to heal yourself ... no matter what happends to your marriage. Leaving your H at this point in time will NOT heal you ... will NOT heal him ... will get you nothing in the long run ... and only a respite from this work in the short run.

You are only learning how to crawl... stop expecting to run a marathon already!

((( HUGS )))

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Great stuff, all:

The Funk Family Fituation (FFF) will not heal itself over night, or even over a few months. They need to consider each others' feelings during this troubling time, and stop mentioning unsettling things like "divorce". Neither one would be a particularly "whole" person if they just blew the M off at this point without doing the requisite work.

Persevere,

I would just like to thank everyone on the MB board for the constant support. I have asked Mrs. Funk to post when she is feeling so bad. Today must be pretty bad for her since normally she is reluctant to post. I am happy she finally decided to post. This board has given us strength in some very hard times. Since her post this morning she has been a little more optimistic about the future. Even if her optimism is temporary it makes life a little easier... For that I thank you.

try reading 'Love is a decision" by Gary Smalley, then apply the principles to your life.
Do it together if you is willing.

Remember....me and you were in a very similar situation. We chatted off line & shared our stories & gave each other support. You were there for me when I really needed someone...

Things are working out great with me and my H. There is hope for your marriage. I felt the same way you did about thinking that I'd never be able to be intimate with my H again & feeling as though I had to "go through the motions" because the feelings weren't there. But little by little, things have improved & I can honestly say that I'm happy. I'm proof that things can work out. They have for me, and they can for you too.

The anti depressants really helped me & I think they will help you too. I resisted them for several months as well, but I'm glad I finally gave in....They don't really make you feel any different, but kind of allow you to see & think more clearly in what seems like a desperate situation. It's a good step...

So, please, if you need to talk, you have my email.

Take care.