My H and I are probably going to get back together, But.... He still has to end it with OW. He says it is getting worse between them, he isn't talking to her as much or telling her he loves her, and he wants us to be together eventually. He just wants it to end with things getting worse and worse and not telling her that we are getting back together. I find that disrespectful of me, and leaving things with her like they might have a chance later on. I just wondered what other people's opinions are,I know in the book SAA he says to write the letter(which he did at one time and got back together w/her) telling the OW why and everything, which I agree with, but he doesn't want to confront her anger and tears etc. She is good a t the guilt trips and he caves in, and I said it would be better just to get it over with quicker, because he's just leading her on thinking they are going to be together. I'm running out of patience and am LB"ing alot, but I am noit happy when I am with him. It just seems like there is a cloud(OW) over our heads and he still won't get off that fence! even tho he's miserable. I know I can't force him to do things by my timetable and I don't really want to go to plan b, but I really am not good at giving and giving and getting nothing in return, or just a little to keep me hoping. Any advice would be appreciated, and I am keeping busy with friends family, trips etc. I just want to start working on our marriage together and have some kind of relationship with him. Help! thanks DBD

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I'm running out of patience and am LB"ing alot, but I am noit happy when I am with him. It just seems like there is a cloud(OW) over our heads and he still won't get off that fence! even tho he's miserable. I know I can't force him to do things by my timetable and I don't really want to go to plan b, but I really am not good at giving and giving and getting nothing in return, or just a little to keep me hoping.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you keep up this for a while longer, you may not have anymore love left for your H to want to rebuild the M, and then plan B will become moot. Consider that plan B is not only to protect yourself from the pain of the continuation of his A BUT to protect the remaining love you have left for him that will be needed if and when you and he want to rebuild the M. So please rethink your view.

Do you respect your H at this point?

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I don't respect what he has done to me, and I did tell him I didn't respect him for keeping her hanging on, knowing how I would feel if he did that to me and then just ended it. Of course he has been keeping me hanging for quite a while too, that's why I am impatient. He does say he is going to end it, he does want to come home, we have spent time together, it is just hard for him to express how he feels in a way that makes me feel secure. It is a problem that has occurred during the A., mainly because at that time he was still hot and heavy with OW. I do think we could have a great relationship if he makes certain changes and we need to work on our communication skills. I am not the only one that has problems with understanding what he means, he has a way of talking in circles and doesn't answer direct questions with direct answers, he skirts around things and it gets exhausting talking to him. Our MC says the same thing, so I know it's not just me, but he doesn't understand that and gets defensive. And then I get impatient because I misread him and feel rejected. I guess it comes down to the needs- which I don't think he really understands how certain things are important to me, he feels like he is being asked to change his whole personality. Kind of like saying-well that's just the way I am, so accept me, I'm not going to do anything different to make you happy.If you don't like me the way I am then you want too much. also he doesn't think you can act loving if you don't feel loving-that the actions have to come after the feelings, which is not true, so we have disagreements on that too. thanks for the responses, I still have hope, even tho there were times I figured it was over for good. DBD

I have learned so many things in the last 2 years..BUT the single most important thing I have learned is: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!

Such a simple concept...My H can SAY he loves me all day long.Until he SHOWS me I do not believe it. He can SAY anything...He wants to quit smoking, he wants to lose weight, he wants to spend time with me...blah blah. NO, he doesn't Until he DOES it. I listen to him and don't expect one thing. THAT way he can't hurt me...and whenb hisd actions catch up,THEN I know he means it.

He won't get off the fence b/c you and the OW are allowing him to stay there...I admire you for hanging in so very long..but I think you are in danger of listening to his words and believing them with nothing to back them up. Of course you feel somwhat..."duped". I think many of these men tell each of the women (BW and OW( what they want to hear in order to keep them both on the line.

I don't know if I could continue to love, in your position. I don't have any answers..just know I couldn't live the way you are. Also, once they come home ,you have reason enough to wonder if you still want them...Why not save the remaining love you have for your H,with a plan B? God knows, You will need it, if he actually DOES come home!

Not to be gloom and doom..it IS worth it but It is TERRIBLE difficult.

day by day,

originally posted by day by day:

"... also he doesn't think you can act loving if you don't feel loving-that the actions have to come after the feelings, which is not true,..."

If he is not in Love with you then he is not ready to come back. The part of Love cannot be acted out.

I would be crushed if my spouse had to act as though they Loved me in order to keep the peace and harmony of the marriage alive.

I would be even more crushed if the "act" was carried into the marital bedroom.

He sounds nowhere near ready...you may have a long wait.

tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I know how teribly hard this must be for you. I am in the same position but my WH is still in the house. He will not leave on his own accord and I think that is what I want, ask him to leave and when he comes back the next day it is the same.

I told him I can no longer live this way and continued contact is so disrespectful. He says he understands but has to end it on his own terms. OW is divorcing her H and it is a very brutal situation. WH says he must support her. I told him support her by getting off the fence. If she means his happiness go to her, if I am what you want end it and if you want to be alone leave. He vows he'll end it. Like someone said, he can say anything but I won't believe.

I feel like I am feeding him to the wolves because his mental status is very unstable. I care what happens to him but I am not sure you would call it love. It is like he is my child. I know Plan B would be better but am unable to stick to it. Somedays divorce looks really good but other days his action make me feel like he is really trying. It is like you are dead inside, not even trusting yourself. One day your strong the next your not. I really thought he would have moved out by now. I again was so wrong.

Keep up good thoughts and enjoy his attention when it is offered. It truely is one painful day at a time. You'll know when it is time to make the next move. At least that's what I'm hoping for.

thanks for your replies- wounded and ba- I know he is not ready to come home, even if he does end it with OW I would not let him come back right away. He knows he needs a lot of help with certain things also, and we would have to get back into counseling together. I do expect too much right now and am trying to just enjoy being with him. Plan B for me isn't an option, i get too obsessed with wondering what he is doing(something I am trying to work on) and I think in his mind he would feel like I was abandoning him-like a punishment. I may have to eventually, but now I think it is ok to do what I am. RNROSCOE- Your sit. sounds so much like mine, except my H. did leave of his own accord. It has been much easier, the first month was hell, but I am doing much better, I can come and go with my friends, I am more relaxed with my kids and I have a 5 month old granddaughter that I am enjoying-she lives with me. He is the ultimate fence sitter, he is afraid to tell her because she is so volatile, has suicidal tendencies, also her and her H. are going thru D. now, because I finally called her H. to tell him, he didn't know what was going on. He wants to try to get custody of the kids and they are living tog. and not speaking or fighting, I think my H. doesn't want to do anything while she is going thru this either but too bad, it may last months and I don't have patience for that. How long has your H. been with OW? This has been going on 1yr for PA, Since April 2001 starting EA. If you want to e-mail let me know-We're the same age, my H. just turned 44, We've been together since 1977. DBD

That would be great with me to email. The EA started August 2000, PA I assume about August 2001. They did not get together too much due to the fact OW kids younger than mine so not as much opportunity. Doesn't really matter now anyway. I only found out in February 2002. He has been on the fence ever since. My feeling vary. I am afraid I have stopped loving him but have replaced it with great care, like a friend. My self esteem although shattered has returned. I guess my pain although induced by him has escalated due to my lack of stick-to-it-ness. I need to take care of me better and the rest will come with or wothout him. I can't make anymore decissions at this time. I'm spent. I've asked him to leave three times but he comes back and I can't make him go due to the kids begging. I really feel I am divorced in my heart so it has been a little easier.

Hope all is well and you will have a great day despite yourself!

RN, My youngest is 17, he is a senior, my D is 20 and has the baby, and my oldest is 24, he is married and has a 4yr old stepdaughter, we have a dog too. He is a golden retriever, australian shepherd mix, very gentle and good natured. I don't know what I would have done without my granddaughter-she has saved my life and sanity. Sometimes the only time I smiled was when I was with her.And like I said it has been easier since he has been gone. I feel like I have gotten my equilibrium back. My D. is upset with my H. and doesn't want to talk to him yet, she has seen what I have gone thru. Also he told her before I knew about the affair, but told her it was over. But she caught him on the phone one time with her and she was checking up on him, before I knew about the A. So she is upset and he doesn't really understand it-not on an emotional level anyway. anyway my e-mail is willsurvive77@yahoo.com if you want to e-mail me. DBD