Somewhere in the Harley literature it warns against bringing up the past while rebuilding the marriage. I dont believe in DWELLING on the past, but I do think it needs to be explored and carefully examined, so we dont keep making the same mistakes.

I'm talking about a 30+ year marriage here. We have a bad habit of saving up unresolved issues, both personal and marriage. H's last A brought up sooo much hurt and pain that we had both stored away over the years. I even found out that he thought I had been having A's over the years! H has a habit of deciding that something is true without checking it out with me. Then he operates on that false belief.

Long term relationships can be a mess if nobody ever cleans house. We have so much dirt swept under the rug and so much cr@p stored in our closets, we can hardly move!

Any one else dealing with old dirt/skeletons? All I want to do is clear up the misunderstandings, clarify our situations, so we can decide how to live our life together(or not).
This would involve radical honesty. The lack of it has been the downfall of our marriage from day one.

I guess I am really talking about baggage that has never been acknowleged or processed. It is too heavy. It is in our way, weighing us down. All this "stuff" is too much clutter. Denying that this "stuff" exists has come back to bite us in the bu##.

How does one "rebuild" with all the secrets and garbage undermining our efforts.

Am I making sense? Please help me with this. Any ideas? I am really overwhelmed!

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I have been married 30+ years as well, and I know exactly what you're talking about.

Twenty-five years ago, my W had an A. While it was still going on, I asked her if she wanted to marry the OM. She replied, "He hasn't asked me." Later, the A ended. I assumed the OM ended it.

Recently, I brought the incident up. She told me she only made that statement out of anger; she never intended a serious relationship with him. The A developed out of her ENs not being met by me. She never wanted a long-term relationship with him.

I now grieve for all the lost time I lived with this misapprehension. There's no telling what effect it had subconsciously. I wish we had cleaned out that closet years ago.

From your post, it sounds like your H is reluctant to discuss issues. It sounds like he would rather live with the wrong impressions than help get rid of all that clutter. This may be your toughest job -- convincing him there is good to come out of discussion and subsequent resolution. There certainly was in my case.

Your situation may best be helped witht the aid of a counselor. It may even come down to you alone seeing him if your H is resistant. I would assume the counselor would pick and choose the issues to begin with carefully. After initial success, your H may be persuaded that this is a good thing.

Good luck.

<small>[ September 03, 2002, 09:55 AM: Message edited by: QuestionMark ]</small>

Question,

Yes H IS reluctant to discuss issues, not just marriage issues, but his own personal issues as well.

A counselor is desperately needed. And I will go
it alone if need be. In my own case I think airing resentments, clearing up the misperceptions and misunderstandings can be the most important part of our recovery. A major housecleaning!

Thanks for validating my need for resolving issues from the past.

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