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#1026897 09/04/02 09:30 AM
Joined: Sep 2002
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hi. i am 40 years old and my h is 31. we have lived together for 3 years and been married for 1 year. in 1999 i graduated nursing school. during nursing school we occassionly spent time together. soon after, he told me that he wanted to have more of a relationship. he has 3 children by 3 different women, ages 7,7, and 3. shortly after we began seeing each other exclusively, we made plans to move in together. he was working repossessing cars for this guy who didn't even pay him. my h wanted a house that was pretty expensive and i wanted to make him happy, so we signed the lease and moved in. 2 days before we moved in i found out that he had a 1 month old baby. he says he told me but i would remember something like that. well, one week to the day after we moved in the mother of this new baby called to inform me that he had been over at her house 2 nights previous. he states he just went over to see his baby. i was devasted. this girl was made because we were living together and this was her way of getting back at me. i tood everything he owned and put it in the driveway ant then i proceded to set all of it on fire. this is not my personality. i look back and still cant believe "I" did this. we didnt talk for 2 days and then he moved back in. he continued to work for this guy for no pay for another 2 months. i was financially and emotionally strained. these mothers were calling me for child support constantly. then he went to truck driving school and got a job where he was gone for 12 days at a time. he made decent money but he took out 250.00 every week and sometimes more. i usually ended up with about 200.00 a week after his child support garnishment and other deductions. he quit his job and started doing repossions again. i cried and cried. he was gone for 18-20 hours a day, and still no financial help. finally in september 2001, i broke. i am an er nurse and was at work and began crying uncontrollably. i made the decision to take a travel assignment to lubbock,tx. it was good money and i could get out of debt. my mother kept my 2 children, ages 14 and 8. she took care of all my bills; by this time collectors were calling left and right. i was gone no more than 2 weeks when he first cheated on me. during my stay in lubbock, i know of at least 5-6 different women that he slept with. alot of them were strippers or went to the bar alot. when i found out about all of this i fell apart. i drove for 9 hours to get back home. i still had 1 month left on my assignment so i had to drive back 3 days later. i cried the whole way back and at times couldn't see the road. when the assignment was over i came back home. i found an apartment for me and my 2 girls but it wasnt long before my husband moved in. this was in january this year. he's continued to work doing repossions. this job keeps him away from home 16-24 hours at a time. we have not been living together since the end of april. i am so depressed. i am maxed out on paxil (an antidepressant) and im still depressed. i filed for divorce but have not gone to see the judge to finalize it. we live approximately 15 minutes away from each other, but hes so busy with his job that we only see each other maybe 1-2 hours a week. i went to the doctor and found out that he has given me an std. he doesnt really have anything to say, he says he doesn't know what to say. we are suppposed to go to marriage counciling this friday. hes the one who mentioned it. the cost is 75.00 of which he is paying 30.00. i know that because of my occupation i will always make more money than he will. this is his profile: he's 31, no car, bad credit, 3 kids, 2 of his childrens mothers were strippers, his friends are pretty much like him, has never helped me with financial planning or bill paying, and and always says that i expect change overnight. on the other side, hes handsome, was raised in a church-going family, says he wants his marriage, a nice home in the country, and he loves me. i try to talk to him about his job and the time he spends away, and he gets angry and says i made the decision for him to move out. i am tired of asking him to spend time with me. last night he was supposed to come over and he called to ask how much time i needed because he had alot of cars to pick up. i cried. he had not seen me in 5 days and he still could not take some time out of his busy schedule to be with me. he did end up coming over and stayed for 2 hours and then he was gone again. he says that he does love me and wants his marriage to work but i cant live with someone i love and at the same time be so lonely.

#1026898 09/04/02 10:26 AM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 193
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First off, welcome to the board, rn. This is a marriage builders site and I know that's why you're here. Have you read all the info? If you click on "General Welcome for all newcomers" at the top of the screen on the main forum, it will take you to all the right places.

I take it because your H is willing to go to MC that he wants to work on the relationship, too? Though it can be done, it's really hard work trying to save a marriage when there's only one person working on it.

There's something you might want to keep in mind....actions speak louder than words. That's the whole concept behind Plan A. The idea is to work on improving yourself, for yourself with a by-product being, that you are showing your spouse your desire and progress in changing, hopefully doing a better job of meeting their needs. Have you filled out the emotional needs questionaire?

The trouble with being a nurse...and I should know as I am one too....are some of the qualities that make us a good one also make us vulnerable in our need to rescue and nuture. That can be a very good thing but not when it damages us in the process.

#1026899 09/04/02 10:45 AM
Joined: Apr 1999
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Counseling is an excellent idea.

I thought people who repossessed cars actually make very good money? It doesn't make sense that he does this for free, the person he works for is making money on repossessing, it's a business.

Your question is "Can he change?"

My question is does he want to? You can't change him, only he can make changed in his priorities and lifestyle.He has a lot of strikes against him and the positives you list:

hes handsome, was raised in a church-going family, says he wants his marriage, a nice home in the country, and he loves me

aren't thing he's doing or responsible for--being handsome, how he was raised--those aren't his choices. He's not behaving like he wants his marriage, nice home or acting loving toward you.

It is possible for people to change, but they have to want to, and work at it.

Read the materials on this site, especially about Plan A and Lovebusters. Decide if you want this man, this marriage. Know that if you want it, it will require a great deal of effort, love, time, patience, steadfastedness...and still, no one can guarantee your H will change or that your marriage reconcile and recover.

I'm not trying to discourage you from trying, but your H sounds like he has many issues, not just infidelity, but inability to hold a paying job when he has so many responsibilities...and he sounds like a party guy as well.

If you can clearly list the changes you'd like to see in order to reconcile, that would help clarify what changes he needs to do to keep his marriage and nice home. But do watch your own behavior, setting his clothes on fire would be a Lovebuster.

Keep posting, let us know how you are doing. Sometimes, the more serious a problem is, the fewer replies, because the answers & advice aren't easy.

#1026900 09/04/02 07:05 PM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 193
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^^^^


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