In other words, the OM left WWs workplace. There is NC by default. (They are most likely, and I must assume, not communicating at all.)

I am unsure if I should push for NC, since there seems to be NC anyway. I don't want to even discuss the OM anymore, since thinking about him depresses her.

Everything seems to be going fine between us; she is here, he is (most likely) gone.

I am reluctant to call it recovery, but it is better than an active A...

Comments?

ST

<small>[ September 11, 2002, 01:32 PM: Message edited by: Not So Sad Tiger ]</small>

Sad Tiger,

When I read on these boards how A's continue even after D-day and the pain the poor BS's go through, I cannot believe what they are doing in the name of love and trying to save their marriages.

My situation was similar with the OM. We didn't actively or specifically tell each other NC, it just sort of happened, because my H found out and told OM's W - yucky, messy, horrible. We spoke a couple of times, but in essence there was no need for either of us to specify it. I will not contact OM again, and do not need to hear him tell me "Oh, by the way, having a S**T time here, don't contact me!!!"

My H believes me absolutely when I say that, and I wholeheartedly mean it.

QUOTE: "I am unsure if I should push for NC, since there seems to be NC anyway. I don't want to even discuss the OM anymore, since thinking about him depresses her"

I can understand where she is coming from, and maybe it is wrong of me, but if you believe there is no contact, why stir up her feelings and withdrawal anymore? If my H insisted on it, I would feel a) really peeved at having to deal with OM again in any shape, form or fashion and b) (in my case), hurt that H doesn't believe me, he has asked me and knows the answer.

I know some here will disagree and think perhaps you should force it, but are you certain she is not in touch with him, and if you are, why push it? Could you just ask her gently, along the lines of "I know you are upset about not being in touch with him, and I want to support you, but I need to know for sure you are not communicating with him to do that." Would you trust her based on what you know and how she answers? I think perhaps that is key - my H trusts me absolutely that I am not in touch with OM. As I have said in other posts, I am not a complete fruitcase like some WS who think they can carry on regardless!!

Hope this helps, I'm not too good at this, but it struck a cord with my own situation.

Lisa

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but if you believe there is no contact, why stir up her feelings and withdrawal anymore? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is exactly my feeling. She is in 'withdrawal,' but she is being very sweet to me lately, so I don't want to mess it up. I just don't want OM sneaking back into the picture. I think he was just after 'one thing,' but in the slight chance that he actually 'loves' her, he may try to re-establish contact. I think I should contact him myself and warn him to stay away forever, but staying away from him to this point has worked. I was not responsible in any way for him breaking contact with her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Could you just ask her gently, along the lines of "I know you are upset about not being in touch with him, and I want to support you, but I need to know for sure you are not communicating with him to do that." Would you trust her based on what you know and how she answers? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have pretty much done this. I asked her if she has been communicating with him, and she said no. I believe her. I asked her to let me know if/when they ever communicate again. She said OK. I trust her to tell me the truth, if I ask, but I am pretty sure she would not volunteer the information. (I had to ask her why he was no longer at their workplace, over a week after he left/got sacked.) I probably would be able to tell if they talked, however; she is not hard to read.

<small>[ September 04, 2002, 01:03 PM: Message edited by: Sad Tiger ]</small>

^^ bump ^^

Thanks, LIL...

WW is still a bit confused, no firm commitment to M, but she seems to really be trying to get over him. She walked by his empty desk the other day and it made her sad. She misses her 'friend.'

Anyone else have any suggestions or insight?

ST

Well Sad Tiger, I'm still very confused, not even a bit. Even meeting with friends last weekend and one (innocently, because she knew nothing of the A) asked me how OM was, and that upset me, let alone anything else.

You know and understand the concept of withdrawal, so it's wether or not you can sit tight and Plan A or not. I guess my H cannot do that at all, even though he absolutely knows there is NC. If your wife is telling you about the empty desk etc. whilst I am sure this is incredibly painful for you to hear, at least she is being honest with you and wanting to share things with you.

I do not know if you have read my thread on "Is that a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel" (by the way, appears not), but the day my H and I really, honestly talked was such a relif for me, because I could actually share some things with him about OM without him loosing it. This was important to me, because at the end of the day, we have always been able to talk to each other and I do miss talking to him.

I hope some others post to you soon. I always feel like I don't know anything at all, but my situation was somewhat similar to yours, so all I can do is offer some thoughts on what happened with me.

Lisa

You've probably read this already, but it seems when A's end, there is a period of withdrawal/depression/anger/resentment that the WS goes through. Once that ends, the recovery can truly begin. Keep in mind in the meantime that the WS may have secret contact with OP (vasillation) which prolongs the time until true recovery.

You may want to check out "After A ends/but no commitment to M?" by unsureheart for some insight. The link is:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=019372

Well, well...

The OM contacted WW at work today. Apparantly started out as a friendly conversation. He asked if they could get together and she said she couldn't. He then got angry and snotty with her, something about well, if that's the way you want it...

WW is scared he will retaliate now. Either against me or her. I am to meet her after work and walk her to her car. She *insisted* that I not contact him, getting angry at me for asking why not. She wants to handle it herself. Fine by me, the stupid OM is gonna prove to her what I have been saying all along; he is an immature, selfish, possibly dangerous jerk.

All you current WWs pay attention here, your OM is just using you. You are not 'special' to him. He just wants what he wants and will get angry if he doesn't get it.

ST

<small>[ September 11, 2002, 01:25 PM: Message edited by: Not So Sad Tiger ]</small>

ST

He doesn't deserve your energy, but your WW does - again, at least she confided in you.

You have every right to feel angry, but don't let it boil over as you will only become more angry and loose respect for yourself.

Is there no way your W can change jobs?
Lisa

Hi Lisa!

I am not angry at all! I am happy that he is LBing himself. Sorry to have come across like that. I was merely wishing out loud that he try to start something up with me so WW could finally see his true stripes. She seems to be 'getting it' as we speak. Knowing his MO, he may try to call her and apologize, hopefully she will see right through it.

She doesn't need to change jobs, really, although she would - she hates the work. OM no longer works there. Job market is tough where we are now, and I am currently looking for work. Hopefully I will pull down an excellent job soon, and she can quit and find a 'fun' job.

ST

<small>[ September 11, 2002, 01:02 PM: Message edited by: Not_Too_Sad Tiger ]</small>

Yesterday and this morning I told WW that OM would be calling her today to apologize for the call on the 10th. She doubted it, thinking she had heard the last of him. I assured her he would call, and he would apologize, and that she may want to have something ready to say to him when he called.

He called and apologized today.

She told him that it was OK, that she knows they have strong feelings for each other, but that she was going to stay with me for now and work on the marriage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> He told her to 'have a nice life.'

I think she was surprised that I called it so close. Actually, I had told her that the OM was going to call on the 10th as well, since she told me she had asked a mutual friend about him on the 9th. I told her he would call and act like a jerk, and she doubted it saying that she would be the one most likely to call him. Of course, he called, just like I said.

I think she is impressed with my ability to predict his actions. He is as easy to read as a book. Such an immature, selfish twit loser.

She called me later and told me that I was a Saint!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Not counting my chickens before they hatch, but things are looking up around here. Plan A for life, baby!

NSST

<small>[ September 11, 2002, 01:25 PM: Message edited by: Not So Sad Tiger ]</small>

~NSST~

Here's a plan ... once every day ... hold your W's face gently between your hands ... gaze lovingly into her eyes ... and tell her how pretty she is, how much you love her .... all good stuff.

"Why?" You might ask ... cuz this goof of a OM just left the door open for your W to see her real knight in shining armor ... Her TIGER-MAN! So ... shine, baby shine. You 'da tiger ... hear you roar!

Romance the socks off her .... what have you got to lose?

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

PS .... have FUN .... be creative .... and relax ... time is (as the kids say) "so way" on your side.

This is good new NSST - glad things are going well.

Lisa

Thanks, Lisa! Have you told your H my story? I feel like he and I are in very similar situations.

Dr. Pepper! What to say? You are such a dear!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here's a plan ... once every day ... hold your W's face gently between your hands ... gaze lovingly into her eyes ... and tell her how pretty she is, how much you love her .... all good stuff.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good plan, Pep. I do hold her face gently. I do tell her those nice mushy (but true) things. Thank you for reminding me to do them at the SAME TIME!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Why?" You might ask ... cuz this goof of a OM just left the door open for your W to see her real knight in shining armor ... Her TIGER-MAN! So ... shine, baby shine. You 'da tiger ... hear you roar!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GRRRRRROWL!!!!!! Yeah, Pep!!! OM really is a goof...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Romance the socks off her .... what have you got to lose?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not a thing! My problem has been that I am good at the 'one big' romantic thing that to me equals 100 little romantic things. To her, each romantic thing, no matter the size, equals 1. I have been working very hard on the 'little things,' and could use some suggestions on some not-so-obvious things that would warm a woman's heart!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">PS .... have FUN .... be creative .... and relax ... time is (as the kids say) "so way" on your side.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have been having fun, have been creative and have been relaxing. That is really at the heart of Plan A. It works too. Time is soooooooo on my side here. I am at the point where I could hold out almost indefinately. OM cannot even begin to touch my persistance and patience. My WW is so worth it. She said today that she feels like an 'idiot' for letting this happen. I sweetly explained to her that anyone can fall into the A trap. That neither of us had the knowledge or experience to recognize the slippery slope that 'lunch buddies' can lead us to. That she did not know how to protect her heart, and that I helped create the situation where she felt that reaching out to OM was her only way to happiness.

I have learned so very much during this experience, and even though I regret the A happening, I am very glad that I have gained all this relationship knowledge. I am a much better person for it. I have had to confront and resolve some unresolved childhood/mother issues that I may have just kept suppressed. I am grateful that my WW has been so rational, even while her heart is screaming at her to run away with the OM. I am grateful to you and everyone on MB. Man, am I gushing or what? Dang ol' Wellbutrin + Celexa!!

NSST

<small>[ September 11, 2002, 02:14 PM: Message edited by: Not So Sad Tiger ]</small>

^^ bump for responses to this ^^

(I) could use some suggestions on some not-so-obvious things that would warm a woman's heart!

Thanks, lovely MB people!