Hi All,

Its been 6 months since d-day now. Separated plan-Aing for 5 months. Plan A while mixing in some of the 180 approach. I must say it is confusing my WW as well as myself at times.

Yesterday, I talked to WW for 1/2 hour on the phone although it was mostly me doing the talking and letting her know that I still would like to work on the M when she is ready.

This morning I had another phone conv with WW. She told me that she is going through a lot lately, 'dealing with too much', and she is also having severe headaches. Yes, Im concerned but I also know I may end up having to watch her hit 'bottom'.

WW can not come to me for support as she always avoided and denied the A. I confronted her with evidence (e-mail) right before our separation and she just blew it off.

Back to my question for anyone that can give me their 2c - Can progress be made if WW still deny the A?

I haven't attempted to discuss the A for several months now. I hope I make sense here, im trying to sneak a post in during work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Don't really know what to tell you, LA. Sounds like my W; denied it for almost a year.

Perhaps you may want to explore the "why" she feels she has to keep it so hidden? In my case, I ended up discovering that I was probably guilty of creating and environment where she did not feel safe telling the truth because of my reactions to it, or my rejection of her ideas.

That was a turning point of sorts for me. Perhaps if you can identify some of the "secrecy" issues, you can find a way to start breaking down the wall of silence?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Back to my question for anyone that can give me their 2c - Can progress be made if WW still deny the A?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It depends on what you mean by progress. If you mean personal progress, then I would have to say YES but that can be accomplished whether you are married or not. But if you mean marital progress, then I would have to answer you with a resounding NO.

Remember that A's are born out of secrecy, deceit and lies. Her denial in light of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, is one more lie that feeds her A. If marital progress is to be made, it has to be with the willingness and participation of both spouses to implement the changes that are going to be needed in order for the M to survive. And honesty is a crucial element in aany any marital recovery.

You seem to be doing pretty good living apart from her ,for the timebeing, and she knows this as well. Keep up the good work and keep us posted.

Good luck and God bless.

Sounds like we are in similar situations right now. With plan A from a distance and watching our W's possibly hit bottom.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Perhaps you may want to explore the "why" she feels she has to keep it so hidden? In my case, I ended up discovering that I was probably guilty of creating and environment where she did not feel safe telling the truth because of my reactions to it, or my rejection of her ideas.?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with Spacecase, at least from my quickly emerging experiences in these things. Look at why she feels she can't tell you. I know my emotional disconnect after my A, led her to feel she can't tell me. My W has a fear of rejection, caused by her trying, and my not responding.

I am still early in this process. I know that I created an emotional void, where I didn't help my wife with emotional support for the last 5 years. That shut off her connection to me on everything, including honesty and it served to increase her fear of rejection/closeness. She continues to lie to my face because of this. But identifying the underlying problems and correcting them is key.

As for the 2c - Personally I don't think progress can be made while she is denial. But you can show her a strong you and strong plan A, since plan A is to help you, focus on yourself, you can't change her. I have learned this the hard way. If you can identify what it is that made her pull away and then correct that, then even better. Once again during this time you can only really work on yourself, identify what has been lacking, find new hobbies, and most of all don't dwell on it. But you know this after 5 months of plan A.

Good luck and I know how you feel....

thanks, sc,tmcm,sins for your thoughts! I just talk to WW this morning - did not go well...

During our M, my WW was free of handling of finances. Now today WW realizes that her finances are running dry, she jumped all over me for not helping out more. Keep in my I am giving her more than what my attorney said she would be entitled to. In additional, I am buying their clothes, dinner, movies, etc,etc.

No matter what I do as soon as I feel we are making progress on communications, my WW would try to blame any and all of her 'struggles' & 'unhappiness'. My response so far has been "Im doing the best I can, Im sorry you feel that way."
Eventhought I get so frustrated inside and want to lb to no eternity, I know I have to practice MB concepts. Its VERY difficult to plan-A while drawing bounderies on the financial stuff. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

One more thing, my 4 yo son told me several times recently "I want to stay with you , daddy. I don't like mommy, I WANT daddy." For some reason I was saddened by this. My WW is often (per my D) busy on the phone talking to her friends who would validate her actions. Somehow, I believe my son feels that he would prefer a daddy to play with him to watching cartoons by himself. We have 50/50 args.

It really makes me feel better to be able to vent here. thanks for listening.

^^^bad news^^^

I just got into WW email to check my progress. There may not be OM#2. **sigh**

I do not believe I can keep it up.

I am feeling very crappy right now. I know my WW is looking for love - why can't she see I am the one who truly wishes to love her. Am I that bad of a person that she just can not realize that...the kids certainly don't think so. I not mad at my WW, I feel sad for her that she is so confused...I tried my best but my best is not good enough for her...Im at a lost here...If I go plan-b now, she will hit 'rock bottom'. It is going to be rough.....****sigh****

Im talking to myself now. lol

More drama! I just hung up with the phone with BIL informing him of the possibilities of OM#2. BIL was so pissed off, he is getting on an airplane here Sunday to "put an end to this". BIL said we are going to put everything out there - talk about it, yell about it, whatever but end it one way or another. BIL said if WW is not receptive, "We need to move on."

Also I just want to add that since I moved out, FIL never knew the reason why. I told him over the weekend. FIL was not upset at me for moving out now that he knows the reason why. He is upset at MIL for not telling him the whole story. MIL knew so I thought FIL as well. I told FIL not to 'confront her' and let me handle things, but I can't stop BIL now.

Any insights???

I forgot to add that both OM#1 and #2 are now out of state and both are married. OM#1 moved around 4/15 and OM#2 moved on 8/31 so I believe her anger is from withdrawal from OM#2.

Now both OMs are not around - both are in contact with WW through phone and email.

Is it time to continue plan A or should I stay away from this (plan B)?

Please help me sort this out... Thanks in advance for your help.

LiveAnew,

I bumped this post for you to get more response. Pain is given but misery is optional. If you are ending it now, you know you have done your best ... I always say, I try to save my M & my WW ... if all else fails we should focus on what are left. You & your kids.

-RH-