I've been doing a lot of reading lately. I've been counting my blessings since DH has been back from his Texas trip. Things have been great. We've been getting along well, and well, generally living. It's been nice. We've been like a true married couple. I've felt great about it. As a matter of fact, I haven't had a single anxiety attack since he's been home.

So, I got pink eye about a week and a half ago, and ended up with a sinus infection. I was sick this weekend and DH was great. I'm getting better. Unfortunately, DH got my cold and has to take Prednisone (which makes him very moody).

Now, yesterday he woke up with a problem, but insisted nothing was wrong. For once, I let it go. Then when he picked me up from work he was snippy. I got quiet because I didn't want to end up in a fight because I knew most of it was due to his meds. We talked later and he said he was having OM issues today (yesterday). We talked about it some and the evening went ok. He seemed a bit stand offish, but I let it go.

Today he was a bit cold in the morning - turned his back to me, stuff like that. When I started to get up he reached for me so I wrote it off. We talked on the phone a little bit ago and he asked if we were ok. I told him I feel we are but what does he feel. He said what he feels and what he wants are two diff. things. I had to get off the phone then. I emailed him asking him to elaborate. He wrote back and asked if we could talk about it later. Ok, so I agreed, but now I am paranoid. I feel the anxiety sneeking up on me. I want some answer and I want them now. Why is he feeling this way? What is he feeling? Things are going so great and he seems to feel differently. What the heck is going on?

Anyhow, thanks for letting me vent. Any thoughts you can offer would be greatly appreciated. I am just really down right now, and I am so trying to fight off the anxiety. Thank you all for being here for me.

Prin:

Hm... I'd try 2 focus on the good times you've been having. Talk about those MORE than what's bothering him. Not 2 say don't talk about what's bothering him, but just keep things in perspective. You've been getting along well, don't let this recent upset, whatever it is, drag you down.

I have faith in you.

Thank you 2long. You made me smile. I just want to cry right now. I don't understand what is bringing him down. Well, I do, it's the meds. he's on. I believe that if he wasn't on them he wouldn't be feeling this way. Maybe I'm wrong. However, I have no clue what the trigger is or exactly how he is feeling. I just want to cry.

Anyhow, thanks for being there for me. I so wish the work day was over and DH and I could talk. I just so want to put his mind at ease - and mine too. Thanks again.

Princess - You know you are getting better when it comes to letting the little stuff just go - I wouldn't worry or read to much into it - your husband is probably just not feeling well and when you don't feel well everything just sort of creeps up on you. I can tell you as the BS - I mean in my situation I am heading for divorce because my WS doesn't want to be married - but there are still days when the littlest thing will set me off about the OW and I will just not be right.... He will get over it - You do not need to panic - You know that you two are in recovery but not everyday is going to be perfect - everything will be ok.... And you know that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you Maw. I think I am starting to relax a little. Problem is that when I realize I am starting to relax, the anxiety starts to creep up on me.

Oh, how I pray it is nothing and we get through this obstacle rather smoothly. It is very heart warming that the people here care so much. I still want to cry though. Oh well, guess I just wait and see. Thanks for the thoughts. I so need them.

Princess - That anxiety is a real ***** isn't it - I really think though in your situation you are ok - your husband seems like a great person - he may be a little insecure for awhile but all in all I think he knows that he is what you want..I would have given anything for my husband to have shown 1/3 the effort you have put into putting your marriage back together -- I will be thinking about you tonite - maybe cry get it overwith then go on - When he comes home everything will be fine... Keep me updated... Mimi

Princess,
At about 6 months to a year post reconciliation, when things were starting to be pretty good, pretty normal, I had what I think was adrenaline withdrawal. I was so used to coping with trauma, discoveries, shock, anxiety, that when I my adrenaline was no longer in fight or flight...I felt odd.

I even picked some fights with my H to "see" what he'd do. I'd get that anxiety rush, and feel more like I had for so long. I never saw myself as a drama queen, but...I think the chemicals in my body expected it.

you wrote </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Problem is that when I realize I am starting to relax, the anxiety starts to creep up on me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And, I wonder if you might not have some of that same chemical thing going on? You feel safe and give yourself a little anxiety boost? Your H might be doing the same thing.

Remaining anxious, or like your H, reminding himself of "OM issues" also serve to keep the walls up and strong. Your H reminds himself of the bad times, so he can't heal, nor can you. You know he isn't trusting you yet, so you hover over every passing mood of his.

My H & I probably tell each other "I love you" a little too often <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> several times a day...but it does help alleviate random grousing at each other. It drove my H nuts when I was constantly asking him if he was ok or if something was wrong. Or even worse for him, "what're you thinking?" He's actually forbidden me that question <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . So, now when he's in a dark mood, I tell him I love him. Or vice versa. When you feel loved, sometimes it's easier to shrug off the lingering, unhealed ugliness.

Anyway, just a couple pages out of my world <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Maw and Lor, thank you for taking the time to post to me. Thanks for sharing with me. I don't want the anxiety there, I want it gone. I hate the feeling of it. It's been heaven that it's been gone for the past almost 2 weeks. Haven't heard from DH anymore today. I think I'll call him to let him know I'm thinking of him (that's it, no issue talk).

Lor, I too say I love you too much. I have this problem though - I have to say it before we hang up or part. I am so fearful that the one time I don't will be the one time I should have. There's a story behind that, and I'll tell you sometime if you want. Anyhow, he knows it and understands. DH too hates the are you ok and what're you thinking. I haven't quite been banned from them, yet.

Maw, thanks for caring so much. I will be sure to keep you all posted. I will give an update on this thread tomorrow.

Thank you all so much. Calling DH now, just to say I love you!

Princess,
I meant to tell you what I did this morning, misery loves company right? I was a mess. I yelled at my teenage daughters last night, it was...over the top for the situation, just lost my composure, my compassion. Yuck. And I've been so good about all non-lovebusting!

Apologies were accepted by them, but I still felt bad this morning. Went to my weekly Bible study. The dang thing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> was about me. I feel convicted by God, and even more down (not crazy about this particular study anyway, half the time the author of the study book seems like a big whiner to me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> but I like the other women).

So, afterwards, half-tearful I call my H on his cell. He's on his work phone so says he'll have to call back. I stand by the phone.

He does. I asked him if he'd meet me for lunch...he's a little pressed for time but if we go to a really nearby-work restaurant, he can do it. (He sounds distracted, hardly enthusiastic)

I go pick him up, he says he's sorry, he's just stressed "about some things"! I immediately think horrid thoughts (the FOW is still a co-worker, but I don't say them!) I do say "I'm feeling stressed too" and I burst into tears.

He already knew about the prior evening--heck the neighbors probably heard me yell. But, we just started to talk, his concerns, mine and by the time I dropped him off, I was all better (well, a little sniffly), and so thankful for him.

This is the beginning of our 3rd year of recovery. I hope it isn't depressing to you that when my H says he's stressed I wonder if it isn't me or the FOW, or even the FOM. But as time goes by, it occurs less and less to me that his stress has to do with the FOW or trouble in our marriage. It's just us, just normal couple/family stuff.

My counselor used to say that we should envision ourselves in foxholes. In the bad times we used to shoot at each other. But now we're in the same foxhole, on the same side, shooting at each other isn't allowed. (It made sense when he said it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) I think you & your H aren't quite seeing yourselves on the same team.

Princess0413 -

I'm on my way out the door to pick up a kid but I wanted to post real quick and tell you I understand completely where you are coming from. My H says many of the same things...about the OM.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He said what he feels and what he wants are two diff. things. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Most of the time when he says stuff like this...my heart just sinks..because I feel like I'm living in perpetual fear that he'll tell me he just can't do it..just can't stay married to me after the A. I'm sure he is also dealing with his own fears of me having another A...this makes me doubly sad. It is such an awful hideous feeling to not be trusted...and to know that I made such a terrible decision. Just living with the shock (and the aftershocks) of that is sometimes overwhelming...

Many times when things are going good...or..at least good in my opinion...my H will ask "are we ok?"...and I'm always blown away...why does he ask when things are seeming to go well? Is he waiting for the other shoe to fall? Is he so afraid of getting back to feeling ok with things..that he must always stay 'on guard'..and be wary because I might do it again?

I don't have any answers, Princess...I sure wish I did! Let me know how it goes tonight, ok??

Regards,

YR

Thank you all so much for your replies. I am very proud of myself for last night. I totally kept in mind what you all wrote and reminded myself of things like not letting little things get to me. Not thinking everything is about me and the A. Not pestering with are you ok, etc.

Lor, I have to tell you, every time I wanted to ask if he was ok, or what was wrong, or was something wrong, or what's on your mind, I simply told him "I Love You". Not once did he seem to think it to be too much. He smiled every time and even said it back. It was really nice.

Our evening went great. I never brought it up. I left it in his hands to talk. We decided to take DS to Chuck E Cheese. We had a lot of fun as a family. DH and I got a long great. No issues seemed to be there at all.

We put DS to bed, watched some TV (cuddled on the couch), and went to bed. In bed we had some fun and talked a lot. We discussed having another child, we talked about our love for eachother, we talked about lots of normal little stuff. He asked what my goal in life is. I told him that I would have to say my goal is to be married, have a family, make my husband happy, and be a good wife and mother. He told me I am achieving that. We talked about things we want to do with the house and trips we'd like to take as a family. I told him how I so desired to make him happy and how I just want to be a good wife. He told me he admired me for saying that. We layed in eachothers arms and talked for a good hour. It was really nice. He told me he loves me with all his heart and I told him I love him with all mine. He asked "again or for the first time". I told him I have always, and that I am sorry I messed up in showing him that, but that I will never make that mistake again. He said "I love you" and kissed me. I asked "are we ok" and he said "yes". That was it.

I cannot thank you all enough for helping me to keep my head straight. I totally took to heart your words and they really helped me. My DH and I are doing so well these days, and I know I have all of you to thank for a lot of my personal progress.

YellowRose - Yes, they say these things in an effort to keep their guard up. To stay prepared for when the other shoe drops. Reassure and keep reassuring. Keep your head about you and always be gentle with his heart. He will find as time passes it gets easier to let go and let God. I am proof that it does get better.

Thank you all again.

Princess - Good for you - !!! I told you everything would be ok - You two sound great - I guess you just have to keep in mind that - You know what we love each other but everyday isn't going to be perfect - he is gonna be mad at me sometime but not everything is about my affair - I think that in time you will get over your anxiety... It is only natural to freak every now and then !!! I am glad things are good - and another baby that would be wonderful - maybe a little sister for your son - Good Luck - and keep us posted....

A little late...but...GOOD FOR YOU!! You're learning to control the part you CAN control...how you react. :-) And for the record...I have ALWAYS said ILY too much...I say it constantly at times...hubby will actually start rolling his eyes, LOL! It just spills out when I feel it so I say it. I never heard it growing up and I guess I made up my mind that my marriage environment and the environment I'd raise my kids in would be different. And it is! Anyway, really proud of you and glad to hear you're still hanging in there!!

That's great news princess. I go thru the same ups and downs with my H. As soon as they start to trust again, they get scared too. Wondering if they will be hurt like that by us again. It is going to take a lot of time and reassurance for that to dissapate.

I told my H the other night how much I appreciated him staying calm in recent situations where I could tell he was dying to blow his top due to triggers, and he didn't. I told him I know that it takes a lot for him, to go against his nature like that. He cried, he was so grateful I acknowledged that. (We were already in an emotional convo.)

Keep up the good work, you guys will get thru this. Have a good weekend!!!

Thank you all for checking in on me and sharing in my success. Yes, those ups and downs, but I sure enjoy the ups. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Oh Princess, get your head out of the gutter. Anyhow, thank you for the encouragement. It means a lot to me to have all of you here. As for the weekend, I'm sure it will be full of ups! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Oh, for those who are interested, my story as to the I love yous. You see, when I was young I had a grandfather we didn't get to see too much. When we did, for some reason I was afraid of him. He wasn't a mean guy, actually he was great to us. The thing I remember best is he had this great tree in the back for climbing. He was always so worried my sister and I would get hurt, but he let us climb. I can still picture sitting in that tree and looking at the back of his house with my parents and him sitting in the screened in porch. I didn't ever say much to him and I never got the chance to say I love you to him before he died.

Then, when I was a Senior in HS, my aunt got real sick in the hospital. We saw her a lot, but the I love yous never cam out all the time like they should have. When she was real sick and we didn't know if she'd make it I made a deal with God. I told him that if he'd give me just one more chance I would never miss the chance to say I love you to anyone again. My aunt lived and came out of the hospital to enjoy another Christmas with us. I made sure that the very next time I saw her, and every time after that I told her I love her.

To this day, I still make certain I don't miss that chance. I missed it once in my life, and almost a second time. I got a second chance with my aunt, but I will never risk it again in life.

Thanks for sharing with me. You can never say I love you too much - just not enough. Take care everyone, and have a great day.

Princess,
I'm proud of you.

Print out your 8am post...keep it close for those moments that you begin to boost your anxiety. Safe is ok <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .