Hi,

I have to pose this questions about betrayal because My H says that I am making it all up in my head. Is it a betrayal when:

[*]Your H takes a friend out to lunch without the Wife knowing about?

And It had been over a month when I found this out, he said he never had any reason to tell me because he did not tell me of other luncheons that he has be it with male coworker or female coworkers, or friends.

I have a hard time with this, am I being to ridiculous or do I have to an issue to face?

Would like any input..

Thanks

Mari

Mari:

Somewhere on this website I saw Steve Harley (I think) quoted as saying "An affair is what your spouse thinks it is".

It is definitely inappropriate for your H to be having private lunches with other women without telling you about them. It might not be an affair, but it could certainly develop into one as the lies multiply and get more and more necessary to hide.

It would be different if he confided in you as to what was said at these lunches, or better yet if he were to invite you along (or other coworkers or friends, so it's not one-on-one).

It has been my unfortunate experience to discover that there's always a reason for deceit.

If it were nothing, then mention it beforehand: Honey, I'm planning on taking so&so to lunch tomorrow to talk over the problems regarding whatever....

Part of having a good marriage is to purpose to put your spouse at ease about your relationships with other people. Hiding luncheons and meetings is a bad sign.

I would suggest that you draw a line. Tell him he needs to volunteer information to you so that you don't worry. If he's unwilling or resentful, I'd say that's a red flag. Start really digging into what he's up to.

<small>[ September 05, 2002, 03:56 PM: Message edited by: zoatora ]</small>

Hey, Thanks for your responses:

Zoatora: 2 Long:

I found out that he had other lunches with women from work and others. I know that nothing happened, but he felt that he could not resort to telling me any of this because of my jealous nature. I am so upset at myself right now. Because of my jealousy my H would not open himself up to me to talk about situations. It is easy to talk with him at times because he not so judgemental and critical as I am.

I agree with my H that since we both met and started dating I have been very jealous. I remember situations with him either looking or talking to a woman I would get very upset. But we never resolved those issues when we entered in our marriage.

I assumed that since we were now married, that we had a mutual understanding of boundaries with the opposite sex.

I so was wrong. My jealousy came to the point that he could not tell me about other women that he approach him or that he befriended.
Because of my Over reaction he learned how to keep it quiet and thus making our life more peaceful without the extra tension.

He does not think that he was wrong at all by keeping these luncheon from me because it would only have created an atmosphere of grief for the both of us.

I am so heartbroken. He says we have a good marriage and that I am destroying what we have. He kind of defended the woman stating that he found her to be of good character even if there were rumors about her and married men.

It's been a little over a year and I don't know why I can't stop these feelings. He wants it to be over. He apologized last night for not telling me about the lunches, but he doesn't feel it was wrong for him to have gone out with them alone. Because nothing happened. I hear that, but in my heart although I maybe jealous I felt that he did not confide in me like a marriage partner and I feel so sad.

My actions caused this and now I can't over it. I wish I was never this kind of person.

He keeps mentioning that maybe its best to seperate and maybe I can really find the true meaning of what I would be missing and stop thinking about the past and move on with him towards the future.

I hear him what he is saying, I love him, we have been married 15 years, and it took this woman to be the wake up call. I want to rebuild that trust, but I don't know where to begin.

He really is not taking any responsiblity for his actions so it hard to even start recovering and get his support.

I feel so alone, I was the one that caused this in my marriage. I hate myself for this. Why couldn't I be normal and not be so overly jealous, overly protective and communicate my feelings better to him?

Thanks for hearing me out. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

MariD

I can relate to how you feel. I was never the jealous type until I realized that we had essentially become strangers living in the same house and realized that my H had feelings for someone else (don't know the extent of the relationship. H would go out to the bar with his buddies for a while after work, and a female mutual friend would often be there, and he started talking to her. I wasn't into the bar scene, so I was never there...usually stayed woring late at our business that we had just opened until he got ready for us to go home.

Anyway, I don't know if your H has cheated or not, and I can understand his reluctance to tell you of innocent lunches with other women...BUT, he should also understand that innocent lunches with other women can lead to affairs.

Also, since he knows that you are jealous, it is HIS responsibility to conduct himself in such a manner that you would never have cause to question his faithfulness. I believe that would be one of the things called for under the "Rule of Protection".

So, don't accept all the blame for your pain. Your H should protect you and your marriage by never putting himself into a position where an intimate relationship with another woman could possibly develop or be construed as improper.

Your H should not be going out to lunch alone with another woman. To do so is telling you that your feelings do not matter and he is gonna do whatever he wants, regardless. Sort of the attitude my H has, and THAT is what hurts so much.

So, calm yourself down, sit down and talk calmly to your H (plan what you are going to say). Simply tell you that you want to trust him, and that you would appreciate it if he would no longer go out alone with other women, and if the situation should somehow arise, to please tell you about it. Tell him that you will try to curb your jealousy, but that you need his help; and, that part of the help you need is for him to make sure there is nothing happening to trigger your jealousy.

See what he says...and keep coming back here for support.

LC

Wait a minute, Mari. What has brought on these feelings of jealousy? Normal people don't just feel that way for no reason. And if he knows you are struggling with this, WHY IS HE HAVING lunch with other women? What is he doing to alleviate your feelings?????

This all sounds like a very sick, cruel game to me, Mari. I think he DOES things to make you jealous and then treats you like you are a nut when you react like a normal person would. Any normal person is going to get suspicious when their spouse flirts and goes out to lunch with other women and then is deceitful about it. That is NOT trustworthy behavior, Mari.

I suspect that you have probably had a gut feeling that something was wrong for a LONG TIME, haven't you? And because you haven't ever been able to validate those feelings you have settled for believing that the problem is with you. Much easier to believe that you are CRAZY than to believe you are being betrayed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's been a little over a year and I don't know why I can't stop these feelings. He wants it to be over. He apologized last night for not telling me about the lunches, but he doesn't feel it was wrong for him to have gone out with them alone. Because nothing happened. I hear that, but in my heart although I maybe jealous I felt that he did not confide in me like a marriage partner and I feel so sad.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think the reason you can't "get over it" is because deep down you sense there is MUCH MORE to this story that you are not being told. This is exactly how i felt when my H was withholding details and the story didn't add up. And it turned out I was right, that he was withholding facts. Don't discount your gut feelings.