Ok quick review of my situation - Husband had A and told me about it in 10/01 then we ended up seperating a couple of times - then in 04/02 I find messages from the lady next door calling him hun asking him about hooking up... OK well you can guess he left after that - and basically because he wants a divorce we are now in the process and in two weeks we will be going to court. So I am living next door to the lady that I don't know maybe had an affair with my husband maybe didn't I am not sure because there have been so many lies - I don't know most of the time which way is up... I am like obsessed everytime she drives out of the driveway thinking that she is going to be with him... It is literally driving me crazy - so this has been going on in my mind since April.... It is really much more involved but this is the gist of it.. So tonite I decide you know what I am going to call her and tell her I am going crazy - They have both insisted that they were and are only friends and that they talked about their marital problems together etc. Oh and she is now also getting a divorce... Anyways she says I don't know what you wanted me to do I just backed away..Well to me when she backed away she made herself look way more guilty to me... Now the whole entire neighborhood is thinking that she is a homewrecker basically because even though I say I am not sure what happened she still spoke to my husband on the phone behind my back for over a year while pretending to be my friend also. And I am thinking that all of the neighborhood wifes are afraid that she could have just as easily been talking to one of their husbands.. So do I try to make amends with this person??? Do I believe her when she says that her and my stbxh are not talking??? He also denys it - but I don't believe much of anything he says anyways... I still love him I am not happy about this divorce but I know it is gonna happen because he wants it... So how do I just tell myself that I don't care about him anymore?? Do I talk to her and try to make amends even though I am the one that has been betrayed??? What do I do??? Do I just leave this mess alone??? I am literally most days driving myself nuts..... Any suggestions would be very helpful...

Hi,

Take a look at Brokenheart and see if she can post a response to you. Her next door neighbor did the same thing.

The other neighbors know? Well let them do what they want to do with this info. Maybe they will make her feel unwelcomed and she will move. If you are all wondering, maybe there is truth to your suspicions and you all do have a right to be concerned.

Now with that thought behind you, you need to get help for yourself. Unload this burden on an IC/MC or Steve or Jennifer and let them help you through this time. Your H has left for a reason and it is not because he is becoming a better H out there. Even if he said he is, that is not the right way to be a good H.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid, Thank you for your response - You are right is not becoming a better husband - I mean we are getting divorced - but to me it is like he is running away and hiding from what he did to me. He tends to throw the blame back at me all of the time and tells me the reason we are getting divorced is because I will never trust him again and my family and friends will never treat him the same which is all a bunch of crapola...To me he is lost in that fog for now and maybe always - who knows - I just cannot seem to let it go - Who knows maybe after court I will be able to. I believe tht all of the neighbors feel threatened that it could have been their husband so they are hoping that she moves away before history repeats itself.. I am in Individual Counseling and I also go to a womans group so I am really trying to straighten myself out but somedays are just harder than others. Thanks again...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> then in 04/02 I find messages from the lady next door calling him hun asking him about hooking up... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Based on my experience you will drive yourself crazy if you believe what people say rather than sticking to the facts which are really quite clear.
Fact: It is not healthy for a married woman to call someone elses husband "hun"
Fact: It is not healthy for a married woman to "hook up" with someone elses husband
Fact: It is not healthy for a married woman to "talk about her marriage problems" with someone elses husband
Fact: Your H and this married woman are both in the process of divorce.
Fact: She spoke to your Husband behind your back for a year.
Fact: Based on all the above facts she doesn't seem like a trustworthy person so there really is no reason to communicate with her you can't trust what she says.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So do I try to make amends with this person??? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wouldn't. I'm not sure why you would want to, maybe you can explain this more.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do I believe her when she says that her and my stbxh are not talking??? He also denys it - but I don't believe much of anything he says anyways... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, I wouldn't believe either of them, part of recovery for BS, is learning NOT to trust untrustworthy people.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I still love him I am not happy about this divorce but I know it is gonna happen because he wants it</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a very healthy statement in your post - it sticks to the facts.

You will drive yourself nuts trying to fill in the blanks with your own version of what happened and their version of what happened. The in-between doesn't matter. The facts is what you need to go with. Don't allow your mind to wonder to the "what-if's" what you know as fact is bad enough, nothing else matters. Stick to the facts. I'm sorry your hurting. This is what I've learned through my experience. I know what your going through. I thought I was crazy too. I use to obsess and try and find out more info - what I knew as fact was enough but I always wanted more. Its like I wouldn't believe my H was having an affair unless I physically saw it - even then if he said it didn't happen, I probably would've foolishly believed it because I wanted to believe him. Based on the above facts your H was having an Affair - even if it was an Emotional Affair, its still an affair. It may be over between them, but they are in denial therefore, you can't reason with either one of them.

I'm sorry your here. I know your hurting. Keep posting and growing in your personal recovery.

IluvNprotectME- OK well to see this in print - makes me see the facts very clearly - I see how stupid I sound trying to be nice to everyone and making the situation more tolerable - I don't really want to make ammends with her but I hate the fact that everytime I see her I just think I hope she rots in H*ll - I don't like thinking this - they insist they did nothing wrong - I believe it is definately wrong talking - See the part I left out in my short version was that he admitted to having an affair with some unkown person - but I always had a phone # that he said was the affair person and after I intercepted these calls it came to light a few weeks later that her cell # was the original # that I had all along - so I am driving myself crazy trying to figure out if it was her all along or someone else - That is alot of the problem - I don't believe either of them - but just the thoughts of her living next door and having to see her everyday freaks me out - You are correct the inbetween doesn't matter but how do I make myself do this.... that is alot of my problem it is like I am great for days - then bam - I think oh god are they together..???? Also the fact that he hangs around kind of and calls me for everything and wants to be my best friend drives me nuts - I don't know how to tell him to leave me alone - let me get over him - let me move on with my life... Give me a chance to recover??? Any suggestions???