I have only been seperated from my WW since 6/7/02, one wk after D-day. I couldn't stand the continued lying to my face and almost a cockiness that was going on. In addition to the fact that I had found evidence that she was seriously considering taking our children and moving 1800 miles away to live with her family. I filed for D on 8/20/02 to stop her from leaving our state with our boys.

The cockiness has subsided. Being served turned out to be a real slap in the face for her. A lot of tears. I think more from guilt than from any true feelings of remorse at this point. I feel like it gave me some control back over my emotions also. If her leaving the state with our children hadn't been an issue, I'd have been willing to wait it out and hope and pray that she would come out of the fog long enough to work on our marriage.

She still has shown no concrete effort to reconcile and if I wanted it to, the D could be final with in about 6 wks.

I still wonder in my heart if there isn't some possibility for our M, yet at the same time don't feel like I could let this string out indefinitely until she decided to come around. I don't know how some on here keep holding on for so long. It almost seems cruel to yourself to hold onto something that seems so one sided.

For those who have thrown in the towel. Did you finally know in your heart that it was over or do you still have doubts sometimes? I attend a divorce recovery group (start with a reconciliation group) and they say in class that those who have given up on reconciliation know in their heart that it is over.

Biscayne,

I have just been split from my WW since 05/01. Not much longer than you.

IMO, I think we will ALWAYS have doubts, it's just the frequency of thinking about the doubts that change. Seriously, when you are 80 years old, I think that occasionally you will ask the age old query of "woulda, coulda, shoulda".

Immediately after D-day, I was probably thinking "emotionally" about 95%, and "logically", the other 5%. As time has gone by, that will tend to "flip-flop".

I think that when you finally accept the fact that you never actually "know" (simply because you can't control her, too),then you will logically choose the BEST path to take after considering all your options.

You eventually will decide to take that "leap of faith". Whether it be to recover your M, or to recover yourself. When you can take that step, it will be time. You will know in your head, then.

JMHO.......

HCII

Hi Biscayne.

I too tried to save my M with my multiple A loving xWW by pleading that we go to counseling but her sexual addiction made her such an incredibly cruel and selfish person at the time that she just laughed in my face and said that she was going to do what she wanted and that she didn't give a f*** how I felt about it. But the final straw came when one day that I was working, and she was supposedly taking care of our daughters, I get a frantic call from my youngest daughter that her mommy left her and her older sister alone to go with one of her 'friends'. Enough was enough, I could no longer enable such a person's outrageous behavior and permit my daughters and myself to live in such an unhealthy environment. I filed for divorce and fought for custody of our daughters, which thankfully I got due to an aggresive attorney and the social services report exposing her total neglect of abandoning our young daughters alone.

I did not go thru a phase of wondering whether or not I had done the right thing by divorcing her because her total selfishness and cruelty killed whatever love and fond memories I had of her.

Mind you that all this happened years before I discovered MB and I was a lot more ignorant than I am presently regarding relational dynamics. Would that have made a difference? frankly I do not know. I probably would have gone to plan B way before I decided to divorce her, but that would not have guaranteed that she would have come out of her 'fog' considering that she had an unsatiable need to have sex with other men and the unbearable cruelty and selfishness she had subjected us to. Maybe I would have divorced her much earlier than I actually did.

So to answer your question, yes I knew it was over and no I have no doubts that I did the right thing in divorcing her.

Hi,

At first you think you can hold on forever, you even think you have 'unconditional love'. Time wears you down back to reality and eventually after you know you have given it your best, you start to settle into a more realistic mode.

For me, once I realized that I was not the terror the WS and Ow made me out to be and that the real issues were with them and their wacko relationship. Well, I was ready to move forward.

I learned and executed plan A to the best of my ability (with most of the odds against me like most BS), then I enacted a plan B (short-lived in my case about 3 weeks. Went through 4 false recoveries and then the last one is where we are now. But when I went to plan B, I realized it might end in a D. You know at that point, I not only resigned myself to it, I wanted it. I felt settled about it in my heart.

L.

WW had shown an interest in seeing my counselor about 2 wks ago so I scheduled an appt with him for her and let her know the time and phone number. She emailed me the day before the appt to say that she would be too busy to make it. So I gave her the number again, so that she could call and cancel. I found out today from my counselor that he never even heard from her.

Funny that even though she didn't have time to see the counselor, she did find time to go seek legal aid for her part of the D.

Obviously we all make time for that which is truly important. Her actions tell me that she is still up to her neck in this affair. Call me insensitive or just human, but, I hope they end up thouroughly disgusted with each other, beginning with a lack of trust and moving on to all of the other issues that will eventually rear it's ugly head throughout this A.

Thank you and God Bless!

Biscayne,

I did plan A for 9 months. Went to Plan B after H filed for D 7/01 and bought house with OW in 8/01. I had done all I could. Lived through several false reconciliations and wayyyy too much pain. I had had enough.

I even started dating. D wasn't final, but only because WH didn't follow through and I couldn't without starting all over again. I was finally starting to rebuild my own life when the crap hit the fan for me.

WH's relationship with OW fell apart (he says because he realized what he'd done and the guilt was killing him). He started calling me and asking me to come back. I kept saying no. He bought me a diamond necklace (nice, but at that time what I really needed was child support so I could feed the kids). After more than 2 months I finally had to give in. We've been in recovery for 3 months.

It's hard. Very hard. But I have hope. Only you can know when it's time to move on.

I wish you well, in all things.

How do you know when its time to say quit? Hmmmm, imho - you will not know for sure. You would need to...

1. know that you did your best to change & rebuild
2. forgive yourself (knowing you had a contribution to the breakdown of the M)
3. forgive your S (that we are all human and we make choices in life we believe in order to be happy, sometimes right - sometimes wrong)
4. conquer your fear of the unknown (being single again - if you are afraid to face the unknown, the unknown will always be an unknown)

I believe once you are willing and can face these demons, you are well on your way to recovering your broken heart. Have faith that things will work itself out because you are really powerless - that there is a 'higher power' within yourself to guide you as well as an inner voice that will always pour your heart with doubts and fears. Cast that inner voice out of your system and your life will no longer be driven by fear.

The single most important element that is fully in your control is your attitude.

Take care.