Wanted to start a new thread and not intrude on yours. If you would like to know my story, here it is, I am trying to be brief.
WH 39
BS (me) 39
D 17 mos.
D-Day Not really sure, the truth kind of crept up on me, but irrefutable 11/01
A about 18 months, still going as far as I know
WH has "falling in love" feelings and "strong connection" to OW, doubts that we can be happy and in love. SH says my WH doesn't understand how people fall and stay in love. No surprise there. The big troubles started when we were trying to have a baby and problems with infertility (my problems) I was working FT, he wasn't and going to school for bachelor's degree. I had an extremely stressful job with lots of travel, we were living in a city he didn't like. I think his self esteem suffered, and I made lots of mistakes--taking him for granted, speaking to him in a demeaning tone and not having sex--I pulled away from him b/c he just couldn't support me in my inner struggle about never being a mom. Previous to that I did all the emotional work of the relationship, but he did many kind and thoughtful things for me, so he felt that he was doing everything for me and not getting anything in return.
I see the things that I did that hurt him and have taken responsibility for them and have asked his forgiveness. We have been in Plan B since 8/4/02. I am making a lot of changes in myself and since I moved away with our daughter out of state to live with family and near friends, I feel so much stronger. I recognize what he did that hurt me and how I did not react correctly--lack of boundaries and honesty when I was unhappy. There were real problems, but ones I believe we could have dealt with had he not had the A, which began while I was pregnant. He has talked to SH twice and seems willing to go forward with counseling, but its like he wants a guarantee that HE will be happy and doesn't want to do anything until that happens. Has this passion for OW even though he keeps saying he wouldn't be with her even if we don't get back together. Lots of fog talk and many times it has been so hurtful. The longer we are separated the more my faith in God has grown, the clearer things seem. I only want him back if he sees where he went wrong and owns up to it. So far, everything always comes back to what I did wrong and so, he had the A. I want a real marriage and a husband that respects me and our marriage vows. If that doesn't turn out to be him, so be it.
I read your posts and see myself in them sometimes. The only thing I wanted to say to you is to not take on the whole thing yourself. Yes, you made mistakes, we ALL do! Your H is the one who chose not to talk to you about it, deal with it, stay with the vows etc. He made horrible choices! Of course you can forgive him if he wants to make it work etc. Meanwhile, yes, work on changing you for YOU so that you will be more Christ-like (hope it is ok to use that phrase) and you will see the dividends. Whether he gets the benefit of that has to do with his decisions going forward. Try not to think anything about him at all, including he and OW. Just make yourself feel better because you are doing things to improve yourself, enjoy your life and not see things in your own fog of panic that you may not ever be together. I tell myself these things every day, so I am no hero, but I am trying. I am so glad this site is here so that I can see that I am not insane!
