EC:
Almost missed your post before leaving for work!
"I don't know your history at all except you were somewhere recently doing a presentation for something you might not have wanted....or something like that."
Yep. Job possibility in a place I had always thought I'd wanted 2 live/work all my life. Timing isn't great this time, though.
"So this may be way out in left field and not relevant to your sitation but as I read about how your W was nervous about buying the house, I found myself wondering the following things:
Do you know what part you played in creating an environment for the A to happen in the first place? If so, have you told her?"
I've tried 2 tell her, many times. One bombshell that was revealed at one of our MC sessions was that W felt that our M was "pretty good" until she met Rat Meat and became attracted 2 him. She made the mistake of telling him this, which he said he felt about her, 2. They had their first clumsy encounter after drinking 2 much. She tried 2 tell me she was attracted 2 him and asked me what should she do, 2 which I tried 2 be understanding and said something s2pid like "as long as there's no sex it's not an A", after which they started having sex, though she says rarely. She said, in essence then, that her A started because I didn't give the "right answers" 2 her non-specific questions. I have had 2 "learn" what it was that I did/didn't do that contributed 2 our M decline up until then and during the A. It's been a slow process, but I'm making progress. Basically, I got hurt by her biting remarks and just clammed up or woudl try 2 hurt back. Typical male stuff, I guess.
"Are you at a place yet where you are able to forgive her? If so, have you told her that?"
Yes, and yes.
"It just seems to me that a woman who's willing to buy a new house in the first place is one who's emotionally committed to staying with you."
I believe this, 2. BUT, I also don't have a NC agreement, and I KNOW that she's used her hotmail acct (that was opened solely for communicating with him - what she told me) as recently as 2 weeks ago 2 send and receive messages. I have 2 assume (for my own mental well-being) that she'd like 2 keep the friendship with Rat Meat AND stay with me. I can tolerate that for a time, but not indefinitely. He lives 1000 miles away, though, so I'm going 2 be patient.
"So I just found myself wondering if the nervousness after the fact might be a worry that you may never truly be able to forgive her and therefore she worries that the day might come when you might get angry about something and use it against her."
I think this is possible. How do I allay these fears, if they're there, without opening a can-of-worms, LBing R talk?
"Almost like she's worried about committing to something long term because she's living under a cloud that she thinks might start raining down on her some day."
As am I.
"I also wondered if the A happened after the fire? That would explain why she wants to go back to October. She may be yearning to be 'sin-free' again."
No. The A started about 12 years ago, when they worked in the same lab 2gether and shared an office in grad school. After a couple of years, OMW found out and made Rat Meat move their family out of state. RM and my W didn't see each other again (except at conferences) until about 2 years ago. They saw each other 3 times after that, and had a PA on one of those rendezvous (8/01), but emailed explicit crap 2 each other for a few months about a year ago. I found some of this email in January. They last saw each other after the fire, but my W was already planning 2 end the R at that time. She told him this, in not so clear a fashion, in November, which is when she thought she'd ended the A.
"I realize you may not be at a point of being able to do either of the above things. I also realize there could be a thousand other reasons for her nervousness....maybe just too busy at work to have the time needed for a new house."
It was her idea 2 buy another house. I told her on a number of occaisions that I wasn't ready 2 make that kind of decision, but changed my mind when I realized that doing so, like buying a new vehicle and paying them all off, showed her that I have confidence in our future.
No, she thinks about the fire and how that's disrupted our lives more than about the A and how that's affected us. This am, she was moved by the coverage on TV about 9/11. So was I, but all that, AND the fire and being out of our house for 11 months now (we've moved 3 times already, and are going 2 have 2 move again next month), PALES in2 utter insignificance with me compared 2 getting past her A. And I don't feel like I CAN or SHOULD communicate this feeling 2 her.
I should end this on a more positive note. I am very much in love with my W. I think about her all day. I am "proud" of my ability 2 conduct a good plan A and the positive results that loving her unconditionally has had on our closeness. I want nothing less than 2 spend the rest of my life with her, and I'm guardedly optimistic that I'll be able 2 do that. But I also want her happiness, first and foremost, though not at the expense of my own. So, if maintaining a friendship, or even a professional R with Rat Meat is necessary for her happiness, I want 2 part ways. The things I'm doing now will work for both of us whether we stay 2gether or DV, including buying this house. If we have 2 sell it in the next several months, I think we'll make a tidy profit. If I get offered that job (I should know soon) and decide 2 accept it, I could specify a start date in June, which would give me time 2 tie off loose ends here, get the 2nd house on the market, get our house back 2gether enough 2 be livable (if not finished), and probably pay down the mortgage enough so she could afford it, and I would move 2 the new job location.
That's a lot of stuff 2 squeeze in2 a tiny nutshell, but there you have it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
I talked with SC yes2rday about how he's doing, and about similarities in our sitches, and I am still confident in our future, though it might not sound like it above.
Thanques for listening.
<small>[ September 11, 2002, 11:17 AM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>
