The story

My H (32) and I (39) have been married for 3 years this April, known each other for 4 years. I thought we had the perfect relationship, really. We have never even had one argument. He has been in therapy for the last 3 years since I have known him for issues arising out of a previous relationship where he was rejected and cheated on by his former girlfriend. He was really hurt by her, but had been out of that relationship for over two years and into therapy for a year before I met him. He is a very gentle kind and loving person, but has not the best emotionally communicative skills about what he is feeling, as this situation has shown.

He is a professional saxophone player with several jazz bands around town – very popular, always working. No drinking, drug, or anger management problems at all. He is attractive, I think he is drop dead gorgeous, but my friends say not really, so he isn’t like a casanova appearing person. Just attractive and a really nice guy.

So, here I am in this idyllic relationship, never an argument, lots of love and communication, sex is okay, not like in honeymoon phase but we have our moments, always regular, once a week, etc etc. I am the primary breadwinner in the relationship on a day to day basis, but he has several large accounts totaling about 200,000 in assets for long term savings. We have no debt. As a matter of fact, we just bought a house for my mom and he gave me 27,000 to put down for it. He has a pretty good relationship with my 14 year old, they talk and hang out, she’s a typical 14 year old with attitude, but no other problems.

Now, as a sax player he plays a lot around town, usually until 1:00 a.m. and he has out of town gigs here and there. I have always trusted him and have never felt like I had to check up on him or anything. I don’t go to his gigs and do the band wife thing anymore because I have had too much to do at home, apparently this was a big mistake.

So last Tuesday out of the blue he says he needs to go downtown to check out a band – I think this is weird, but okay, we had gotten into a conversation the night previous about his need to be more into the jazz scene, how he felt he was losing his presence and needed to schmooze more. Okay. So he has the need to schmooze. I say, okay, if you really want to go, go, I understand. He leaves. Doesn’t come home until about 1:00 or 2:00, I can’t remember. He is totally distant Wednesday. Thursday comes around and I confront him about his seeming distance or what he was doing this week. Out of the straight out blue, he tells me that he was with this singer named Emily. Over the next several hours I learn that:

a) He met her last October and had instant attraction
b) She asked him for coffee and he turned her down myriad times before deciding to pursue her.
c) They go for coffee and develop intimate conversation starting in March
d) They start kissing and touching in late July
e) They go on a weekend getaway in August and have sex
f) He now thinks that maybe she is his soulmate and is thinking of leaving me for her

Oh my god. Car crash. 10 MONTHS! He just told his therapist about this last week and he advised him to take some time and think about what he really wants and not to tell me just yet because it would be ballistic until my H knew what he wanted.

I did plan A before I knew what a plan A was. I was raised down South and my immediate reaction was tears. I cried to pieces. He cried along with me. We basically cry all day long and I learn everything. She is 26 years old, independently wealthy, she doesn’t work – she has a great voice, she’s amazingly pretty, she wants to break into the jazz scene, they have so much in common, she wants to set him up in his own apartment and he doesn’t have to worry about money until he can get away from me. And of course, the OVERWHELMING chemical attraction they have for each other. So, I am sweet as honey and pretty much all self sacrificing and tell him that I only want what’s best for him, that I love him, I am sorry I didn’t show it enough, I am sorry I didn’t give him enough attention by not going to his gigs, that I would do anything for him and who does he love more? He loves me more he says. I hand him the phone, by this time my daughter is sitting on the foot of the bed and she is madder than heck. I am so sad, I am not angry at all, it hurts too much. She is carrying all my anger. We tell him, “call her and break it off”. He calls and says that he just told us what happened and that he can’t see her anymore. It’s a very short conversation and he hangs up. I call his mother and tell her what happened, we make plans to have him come out and spend 4 days with her, and then maybe some time with his brother and his wife at their house. She tells me that she doesn’t think it’s a good idea for him to leave, that he should stay and work things out. She tells me don’t give any ultimatums I am not prepared to back up. Don’t make any major decisions.

So I am not stupid, I know this isn’t the end of it – but I have to go away for the weekend with my daughter – already made plans. Friday is awful, we talk and talk and talk and I find out so much more than what I ever wanted to know. I realize that they have had sex twice. She has some neurotic tendencies which makes him think he couldn’t be with her on a long term basis but he feels very deeply for her and has told her he loves her. I leave to go away til Monday morning. We talk on the phone very several hours Saturday and Sunday. Sunday I talk to him, I ask him if she has called back. Three times Saturday night. She is begging him to leave me, she will do anything to get him to leave me. He is honest and tells me all of their conversations. I think. He tells me that he tries to explain to her that he needs to try to make it work with me, that he has a commitment and he didn’t realize how much I loved him, but he wants to at least make an effort, and if she isn’t there for him if it doesn’t work out with me he has to take that chance. She freaks out. She calls him a liar, she calls him all kinds of names. She cries, she tells him she loves him. Is it the money? Because she can take care of that, no problems. She will set him up in three days. He says no.

Monday I get home, we talk the subject to death, I get all the details. We make love, it’s great, I sniff a little bit. 2:00 a.m. she calls and I pick up the phone. She sounds completely sad and out of it. I feel sorry for everybody. I tell her not to cry, I understand, but that he belonged to me first. That it could never end good for them. That I understand there were some deep feelings but that it’s over. She tells me that he always told her that he always felt that his relationship with me was temporary, that he always had felt that he wasn’t going to stay with me forever. What I am thinking and what I am saying are two entirely different things because I know he is in bed next to me and I want to show him how noble and kind I am. I take his side. I tell her that if he really felt that way, that was one thing, but she is old enough to not get together with a married man, that this is plain stupidity. And if he really felt that way, then they would be together right now, and not him in my bed. I tell her how much I love him, that I have taken care of him when he is sick, in the best of times and the worst of times; that I can’t possibly imagine how she could love him more than I do. She tells me to tell him goodbye. I hand the phone to him and tell him to say goodbye – again.

She calls back half an hour later. I pick up the phone. She hangs up.

Tuesday is school for my daughter and work for me. I go to work in a daze. I tell my boss everything because I am not capable of 100% functioning right now. She says it’s okay, take time off. I am like no, I am okay, just can’t function 100%, please understand. I cry in my cubicle all day, staring at the computer screen. I type in infidelity and reconciliation in google and find this place. I am avidly reading and think, ok, I did everything okay, except about getting his family involved, which I am not sure why I shouldn’t. I can’t read anywhere why, just not that you are not supposed to. Come home, and cry some more, but make plans about our therapy session the next day. We make love, I cry.

Wednesday we have our first session. Pete tells our therapist (OT) that he thought I didn’t love him enough, that he didn’t know how much I loved him, that he didn’t get enough attention from me, he can’t understand how this happened, he swore he would never hurt anyone the way he got hurt. OT , says, well, it’s apparent she loves you now, if you needed proof of that, the way she is already forgiving you shows that she loves you. He tells OT that he thought maybe I was just there for him at the right time because I am a strong caring person and I helped him through a difficult time in his life and maybe it’s time to move on. OT says, is there a time in your life when you don’t need a strong caring partner? When would that be? I think OT is trying to show Pete that he is trying to justify and not saying what he really feels.

It goes okay, we make an appointment for next week. Come home, make dinner, can’t eat, talk for hours about her and how miserable he feels, we make love, it’s great, I cry. I decide I am going to make love to him every night until he decides what he wants to do.

Thursday (yesterday) I cry in the a.m. I decide to get my hair cut, and get Lasik surgery. I make an appointment for my pre-op on the 16th. I make an appointment to get my hair cut on Friday. I make a list of things I want to go shopping for clotheswise. I decide to redo my wardrobe. Apparently my loose baggy overalls don’t do it for him. I read this site A LOT. I decide Plan A comes naturally to me, I can be a doormat easily. And I do love him! I don’t want to lose him. Last night I fall asleep alone while he plays computer games, and when he comes to bed I wake up a little bit and tell him that I am still his best friend in addition to being his lover and since he doesn’t have anyone to talk to about this, if he wants to talk to me about his depression over leaving her, he can. I fall back to sleep.

Today is Friday. I am sitting here, with my new haircut, which looks spectacular, and decided to write all this.

Here are my questions:
1) Why not get the family involved? I can’t find this anywhere.
2) Why I am not truly angry, but just really sad? Am I pathetic?
3) Do people really have successful relationships after affairs? Really?

I truly feel as though I have had a Near Death Experience. This is one of those things that change your life forever and place new perspective on everything. Do other people feel like this?

Thanks all.

KS--I'm sorry you find yourself here, but this is a place where you can find many who are or have been in your shoes and gotten through it.

My H denied his PA with a co-worker for 8 months, during the first 2 separation, and it does feel terrible. We've been in recovery for 2+ years after 2 bad years, including those 8 months I didn't know WHAT was wrong but knew something was beyond his unhappiness.

1) Why not get the family involved? I can’t find this anywhere.

Some tell, some don't. Some wait, until a separation or later to tell. One of the reasons would be if you do reconcile, you might not want to deal with everyone knowing, maybe continuing to hold it against your H...for a long time. For those who do tell, it may or may not make any difference. If you tell his family, they may support your H and cut ties with you. It really depends on the family.

2) Why I am not truly angry, but just really sad? Am I pathetic?
It is sad. Most betrayed spouses actually go through the grief process, it is a big loss of many things, dreams, expectations, a faithful spouse. You may become angry at some point, most likely you will. Don't worry if youd just feel loss & sadness now. Not pathetic, self-protection.

3) Do people really have successful relationships after affairs? Really?

Yes. I'm in one. It wasn't easy. It took faith, MarriageBuilders (member since 12/98 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ), a great counselor and as I said, nearly 2 years. My H & I are not just recovering, but recovered. We're in love, partners, and happy to be with each other. We still have safeguards, like accountability, spending time together, the MB 4 rules of successful marriage, but that's healthy & sane.

I truly feel as though I have had a Near Death Experience. This is one
of those things that change your life forever and place new perspective
on everything. Do other people feel like this?

You are exactly right. It does change your life forever. But you can decide to move forward in a positive way. You can't control your H's actions, but you can control yours. You can successfully recover, even if your marriage doesn't.

Read all you can on this site. This is a good place.