I have been married for 24 years and recently went through A with OW I work with. During this time, W and I separated but remained in contact with each other. The A lasted several months before I ended it and quit my job. Two weeks later, the OW quit her job too. When I left my job of 17 years, W allowed me to move in with her. For one month, I stayed with her looking for a new job in a new city. But after discussing the situation with W and former employer, I went back to my old job because we thought the OW had moved out of the city but later found out that she did not move away. I really like my job and do not want to leave it again. I have been back working now for two months but have not remained totally faithfully to W. I really want to stay with W but I have not been able to keep away from the OW and have had several phone conversations and have met with her twice and have caused W to lose all faith, hope and trust in our marriage. W and I have been to Christian based counseling, read several books and have read and tried to follow the articles on your web site. W meets all my needs and is batting 1,000 but I am not meeting all her needs. I tell and show W that I love her and tell her that I do not love the OW and do not want her to be a part of my life anymore. I am being honest with W but she does not trust me. I have grieved for the OW and I am over her but yet I think about her and want to make contact with her but do not want a relationship with her. I want our marriage to survive. What can I/we do and is there hope for us?

Every time you talk to or see the OW, you put your recovery back to zero and further destroy any hope you have of restoring trust in your marriage. Your wife is right not to trust you right now as evidenced with your constant contact with the OW. Your wife has to protect herself from you.

Do you have control over your actions when your wife is in the room? You say you can't help but contact the OW. Do you have that problem when your wife is in the room? I am betting that you have plenty of control when you want it. My point is that you DO have control over your actions,[you demonstrate this control when you are with your W] you just don't CHOOSE to control your emotions.

It is very hard to break an addiction to the OP, but it can be done. There are other WS's here who have done it that can help you. You can come here for support when you feel like contacting her. But it can be done so hang in there, ok?

"Want to make contact with her but do not want a relationship with her."

Your emotions are normal, this is about changing your behavior and your actions.

Contact of ANY nature IS a relationship. I am curious as a BS what is your definition of a relationship? Something physical?

Are you wanting to be friends? What is it you are wanting from OW?

Your wife should not trust you until you have permanently ended contact.

Replaced

You want everything, don't you?

You want the job you want, even if it destroys your marriage.

You want to continue a relationship with OW even though it has put recovery of your marriage into a negative zero position.

You cannot have everything. You need to make tough choices right now. Quit the job, leave the city that gives you an opportunity to meet with OW. Do not go back. Tell your wife you've burned the bridges that let you keep returning to OW.

THEN, start to concentrate on your wife's needs, and your marriage and forget everything you ever thought about OW. Stop being wishy-washy and ruining the lives of people around you. You're doing the wrong thing for yourself, for your wife, for OW, for your children/family. Do the right thing.

Dear Sah

I think you will find you are not over OW because you still need/want to communicate with her. The only chance you have of getting over her is having no contact at all.

From what you have said, your W is doing a fine job - I wish my H would perhaps start to do some of the same stuff for me. I do not contact or see OM at all, and H is still not sure he can even live with me.

If you want to be with your W, then do it. It may mean you have to change your job, because all the time you see OW you will not get over her. I still struggle with getting over OM, every single day. If I saw him every single day, you know what, eventually it would start up again. Do you want that to happen? You are torturing yourself, OW, and perhaps more importantly, your BS who is standing by you and fighting for you. You are lucky to have her, believe me. If you read the stories of some of us WS, you will know that alot do not currently have the love and support from their BS. Your W deserves your honesty either way - if you want to stay with her, do the right thing. If not, do the right thing too.

I know it is incredibly hard, but really, working with OM is not doing any of you any favours.

Lisa

SAH~

Go to your W and say this:

"I will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to rebuild our marriage. What do you need me to do?"

Write down her answers ... and then DO IT ... whatever she says ... no questions asked, without arguements or "yes, but" .... offer whatever proof your wife needs to show you are willing to comply with her requests.

If you want to take steps toward building trust ... you have to do this. Otherwise, she has NO REASON to trust you at this time because, frankly, you are NOT trustworthy at this time.

Earn it. You'll earn your self-respect back at the same time, by the way.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

i agree with pepper- and will go further and say-GROW A SET OF BALLS-make your choice and do all you can to earn your self respect back.

I am a FWS. I work with OM. I don't allow myself to have any contact with him that I am not forced to have by the nature of our job. This usually only means passing him in the hallway or sitting in on the same meetings. At times I have wondered if I shouldn't try talking to him about things - I am curious if he ever told his wife for example. BUT I know that this would be the first step towards ruining any progress I have made.

The choice is either a) I don't want to be married to my spouse, and I want to be with OP, or b) I want to be married to my spouse, so I won't contact the OP, no matter what my emotions are telling me to do.

My head knows better. It doesn't matter if I miss OM, I miss my H more. My H is my soulmate, the OM was a few weeks of fun. Make your choice - do you love and want to be with your wife? If yes (and it sounds like this is the case) stop all contact with OW. If she contacts you, tell her you want no contact and walk away, hang up, stop the conversation.

Perhaps a "no contact" letter would be of use for you. It may build trust with your wife if she were to read such a letter.

Take it from someone who has been where you are -continued contact is a BAD IDEA. Stop it now and appreciate the fact that your W is willing to try being married to you still. Some of us don't have that privilege!!!! My H won't talk to me, and we are living apart. APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAVE, and treat your wife like she deserves to be treated.

I envy the position you are in! Don't risk it any more. There is absolutely hope for you both! Good luck with everything.

Jen

<small>[ September 07, 2002, 06:38 PM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

sah,

You are one very confused individual. You wrote:

"I have grieved for the OW and I am over her but yet I think about her and want to make contact with her but do not want a relationship with her."

What the hell does that mean? You are far from being over this OW.

You say that your W is 'batting 1000' and meeting all your needs yet you're still busy chasing down the OW. Obviously there is something that this OW offers you that your W does not or cannot. This is at least one area where your honesty with your W is faltering. Perhaps if you tell your W what that something is she may be able to help. Assuming that your needs are realistic of course.

Also, start concentrating on your W's needs. You said yourself, that you are not meeting her needs. Why the hell not?

To answer your question... "How can I stay away from the OW?" ...in the words of a very popular marketing slogan...

Just do it!

tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It has been over a week since I met with OW. W is still doubting me. Wondering when I will make contact with OW. That was the last time. I do not want to lose my W. I do not want to meet with OW. We are meeting our marriage counselor today and will continue to go until we are totally secure in our relationship. Thanks to all who wrote me. It helped both of us. Any encouraging words for W and me are welcomed.

WH me – 46
BS – 47
Married 24 yrs, 2 grown sons
d-day – 3/16/02
separated 4/21/02
back together 6/11/02 but still
maintain 2 residences

I have to agree with ba109 100%.

My first thought when I read your post, sah, was "If your wife is meeting all of your needs, then what motivation do you have to contact the other woman, AT ALL?!" And if you're so concerned with rebuilding your marriage, you'd better figure out real quick why it is that you aren't meeting all of her's.

I just posted a little while ago about not being able to get away from the OM in my situation. This morning I received an email from him. While I have no desire for him anymore, the way it sounds you might (denial?), I did get a churning in my stomach when I saw his name pop up. But you know what I did? You know what I did the moment I started to think about him? I took out a picture of my adorable husband and looked at him. I thought about his beautiful eyes crying when he finds out I'm back in contact. Then I deleted the email and took a deep breath. Baby steps.

Don't allow yourself to be weakened by this woman. You are undoubtedly going through withdrawal. Even if you logically know you want to be back in the arms of your wife, and away from the agony of an affair, you are probably emotionally wanting that sense of newness and excitement and, let's face it, sheer lack of responsiblity, that comes with an affair.

Take all of the advice you've been given. Write your wife a letter. Ask her to spell it out for you in plain terms. Write up a contract. Do whatever you need to do to keep these promises in the forefront of your mind.

And finally, give yourself some credit. You've done a noble thing by seeking help with this problem. Many would run back. Don't you. Be strong and be true to your word. That will fulfill your wife more than you will ever know.

((((HUGS))))

~birdie