Have been married 22yrs. My H told me he was unhappy and didn't feel the same about me anymore. I new there was OW. a month later my fears came true found letter from OW in car. He confessed of OW. We are now moving on. It's more difficult than i ever dreamed. H has cut of all contact with OW. It has been 8 months now and my question is should i confront the OW. She is 10yrs younger than me and I really know nothing about this OW. My imagination gets away from me. Not knowing anything about a woman that can be with a man knowing he is married. I have high morals and wonder where this womans coming from. But will it make it worse. H refuses to give me any info to contact her. could really use some help!!!!!!!!!

Hi Carolyn, Take it from one who did contact the ow, it makes it worse. Take the high road and be better than that. Believe me she is desperate, pathetic and uncaring about you, and easy too.. what kind of person has sf with a married man? You are right there, the kind you don't want to deal with. I had contact over the phone and one time in person with the ow... from hell... well my ws actually had a second ow and I had contact with that scum a few times.. she was some import maid. I am so sorry that it came to this for you, and that your h made this awful mistake... how weak he is.. .to o weak to handle reality and weak enough to go for fantasy... It makes me want to scream when men do this.

YOu will get thru this, and it will get easier... be ahppy he is there with you to work it out...

Read this site and the books the harelys have written - get cousneling if you can to aid recovery.

we are all here to help you, Hugs, HONEY

Carolyn,

I wouldn't suggest contacting her, that can only make matters worse. She will probably feel defensive and only attack you.

You do need your questions answered by him if you are ever going to recover, though. You have a right to this information and will remain curious until he tells you. Remember, this is information about YOUR life that was/IS wrongfully withheld from you.

We have another lady who just posted here who is STILL NOT in recovery because her H withheld the facts from her for 16 years. So, you need to get him to understand that is information you have to have in order to recover and withholding it conveys the idea that he is still protecting HER instead of YOU. You can't move on and heal until you know what has really happened.

Here are Harley's words on the subject:

Here is what Harley says about it:
"From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.

Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.

But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.

It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.

After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.

The Policy of Radical Honesty is one of two rules you must follow to protect your spouse from your self-centered behavior, which includes affairs. The other rule is the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). If you were to be completely honest with you spouse, and you were to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, an affair would be impossible, unless for some reason your spouse wanted you to have one.

If you knew that your affair would be discovered -- that right after having sex with your co-worker, your spouse were to find out about it -- you would probably not go through with it. And if you were honest enough with your spouse so that YOU would be the one to tell him or her what you did, your honesty would be a huge reason to avoid any affair.

How the victimized spouse should respond to the revelation of an affair is a subject of a later column. I do not have the space to treat it here. But a spouse is twice victimized when he or she is lied to about an affair. Truth is far easier to handle than lies."

Hi,
I'm the one whose H denied a 1-night stand for over 13 years before admitting it, although I knew it had happened due to contracting a curable STD. He still hasn't been honest about what I believe were other affairs.

Even after finally admitting the 1-night stand, he didn't want to tell me the whole truth about it....not her name or anything.

First, he tried to tell me that he paid a hooker at a strip club. I told him that story didn't wash, because he was such a tightwad that no way would he pay for something that he could probably get for free somewhere else.

Then, he tried to claim that it was just a stranger at a beer joint...that he didn't know her name. I didn't believe that, either.

I finally told him that I needed to know who she was, because I did not EVER want to be put in the position of possibly having a friendly chat with some woman who might be thinking, "Tee, hee, I scr**ed your H, and you don't even know it." H said that he guaranteed I would never be in that position. I asked him how he could guarantee that, since we live in a small town. I told him that his refusal to tell me meant that he was protecting her and that meant he was putting her ahead of me. He finally blurted out that she was dead. I said, "Well, then, since you know that she is dead, you must know her name." So, he finally told me her name.

As it turns out, I didn't know her, but I realized that I had seen her. When I learned that she had red hair, I instantly flashed back to a time when H and I had been sitting in a cafe, and this red-haired woman had come in to see one of the waitresses. This woman looked over to us, smiled and did a little wave. I didn't know her, so I asked H who she was. He said he didn't know. LIAR! That happened around the time of the fling. I guess my mind must have subconsicously picked up on her being the ONE, because I absolutely recalled that moment with amazing accuracy...even to the color and style of her dress. The mind is funny, isn't it?

So, I don't think you should contact the OW, but if you need to know her name, what she looks like, etc. you are certainly entitled to know. Tell your H that you need to make absolutely certain that there is no way you will ever be in a social situation with the OW, and therefore you need to know about her.
LC

Personally, I have been tempted, as well, to contact the OW. I never will though. I doubt the encounter would be pleasant and frankly, at this point why bother. I doubt I can say anything to her that would make any difference to what she thinks. In the end, myself and my FWH realized what was important and we are making our M better...and that's what matters.

While i don't think she should be contacted in PRINCIPLE, I did contact the OW in my case with a very good result. She had been told by my H that we were divorcing and was very angry at him when she found out he had lied to her. She told me EVERYTHING about their relationship, which was very helpful since my H was being very secretive. It is very unusual to have such a positive outcome from contacting the OW.

It does crack me up, though, that she was "morally offended" that my H lied to her. She is a MARRIED WOMAN!! hahaa

Hi all,

I think if you want to meet the OW you should meet her in a feeling of strength. I did that once 15 years ago when my boyfriend of five years at the time was seeing OW for a few weeks (after I had left him first...) and I wanted to let her know that I would fight for my boyfriend. I remember telling her "with all means fair and unfair". We then met again in a party where he broke up with her and returned to me.

Point of that story: if you want to make yourself miserable go to meet her emptyhanded. If you want to make her insecure...show your strength and determination.

Two months ago my H had A with OW, 8 yrs older than me (I'm 36). He had no contact after d-day and is rebuilding our life.

Am I going to contact my H ex-OW now? That A is over and as much as it would be interesting to hear her side I don't need that aggravation or those triggers. If I meet her by chance-she'll get a professional cool behavior from me and a display of strength that would intimidate an elephant!

So- good luck to you all. Choose your battles wisely...

Carolyn,

I am relatively new here, but I am also a betrayed spouse. I agree with the others who have answered your question...but with one exception.

I agree that you should not contact the other woman. If you and your husband are indeed moving on, you are both working with a marital counselor and following the principals found here at this website, or something similar, to thoughtfully examine and then strengthen your marriage, and you have no evidence that he has resumed contact with the other woman, I think that confronting her would cause you more hurt. If nothing else, it can give the imagination that gives us blurry pictures of our spouses in the arms of someone else with clear pictures and specific details to further haunt us. I have read that those pictures do fade with time. I hope so, for your sake and mine.

The exception I mentioned would be:

*if you find evidence that your husband has resumed contact with her, or, that she is trying to contact her.

and then

*you can find out who she is and enough details of her personal situation to determine whether she has something to lose if the affair sees the light of day... for example, that she is married herself, or, that maintaining her reputation in your small town is important to her. In those times, a short telephone call telling her to "stop or face the consequences" can be useful.

Also, if you have not met with an individual therapist, I would suggest you do so. Even if you are not depressed -- which is common for people in our position -- a professional working with you one on one can help you work through issues and feelings that you might not want to discuss in marriage counseling with your husband present, and it might provide some relief from your imagination driving you crazy.

Take good care.

------
Both early 40s
Married 20 yrs.
3 kids
Affair began approx. 6/1/2002 (after we had made an appointment to start counseling two weeks later!)
D-day 7/14/2002
In counseling
Prognosis unknown.

Thanks for the input. I have to admit scared to face this OW. She is 10 yrs younger. still affraid of my actions at this point even though it's been almost 9 months. H said he would tell me if she ever tried to contact him. H seems so sincere. (But how can you tell after all the LIES) I do believe this is his first and it does take three people and i know im not blameless myself. I wasn't an innocent when i married my H. but for 22 yrs haven't known another man and it's very difficult to get past the visions of him with the OW. I can't help but feel he gave something away that belonged to me. maybe im just not as open minded about sleeping around somedays it feels like it all just happened yesterday. I love this man i don't want to drive him away by harping on this but should i never mention it so he feels better no matter what im feeling? After all i wasn't the one that betrayed our marriage vows. I can use all the help i can get!!!! Trying to be strong in KY

Carolyn,

You are giving the OW too much power in your relationship. She not the problem. She is nothing to you. The problems are in your marriage. She was only a symptom of that. It does not matter what she looked like, who she is, etc.

At this point she will more then likely only want to strick out and hurt you back. Many OW are just vindictive.

Everytime you ask your H for info on her, you are setting your recovery back. The last thing he and you need is for him to do is think of her.

I understand the desire. But fight it.

I guess the hardest part is i really didn't see it coming!!! I know this man better than anyone and it seems i didn't know him at all. MB is really helpful never dreamed of so many betrayals and pain in this world guess you don't think about it until it happens to you. My heart goes out to all in pain.

Carolyn, I know my H's OW all too well. She works with him, and even though we've never been friends, we are definitely acquaintances as every time I go see him at work, she's lurking in the background. He's done all of the right things as far as "making up to me." He's been textbook. I wish some of the ladies and gentlemen here had a spouse as dedicated to repairing their marriage as my FWH has been. I said all of that to say this,

It has been 9 months since the A ended, and yes they still work together. He has very limited conversation with her, and it's work related. Twice she has initiated a conversation to discuss his behaviour since the A, as he won't hang around her and will not chit chat with her, will not even look at her. The first time, she wanted to know why I didn't think she respected me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Word had gotten back to her that I had made that statement. He just shrugged his shoulders and plowed through her barrage of criticism until she finally came to a stopping place. (it's hard to have a one sided conversation for very long!) The second time (within the last month), she wanted to know why I had a disdainful attitude toward her. Her following comment was, "I've never done anything to her (me the BS)!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> She then stated that she had never done anything to hurt his marriage either! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Now I agree that she's not totally at fault, but both of her statements could be nothing but total lies!! See how these OW can think!!!!????!!??

Don't expect her to even think on your moral level, much less live there. She's already shown that she doesn't!! Don't expect to gain her sympathy, don't expect to make her sorry for what she was involved in. Believe me, the only thing my OW is sorry about is the way things ended. She would much rather have dumped my H than to have him dump her and bruise her ego like he did. Also, these women have often been involved in affairs before. In my case, the conduct between the OW and my H (kissing/caressing for 3 incidences, no sex) was MUCH LESS than conduct she's been involved in with other men for YEARS. This is a lifestyle to her. My H is just a bump in the road compared to some of the mountains this b*tch has climbed.

I suggest "letting go". (((Hugs to you)))