How do you getover your SP having an affair?

We've been married a little over a year now, 2 children from my previous M and we work together.

H had a brief affair with a co-worker before we got M. We have been able to repair our relationship and pretty much move on.

H stopped working full time, so he didn't come into contact with her as much. Only working with her a few hrs a week.That was o.k. I could deal with that.

Now he has gone back to working full time.........working with her 9hr days 5 days a week. We all work together for the same company but I'm in a different dept., they have much more freedom to come and go as they please. I don't think he realizes what it does to me when I see them leave to go out to lunch, when I can here them laughing about something, or later that night he is telling me everything that happen that day.

When I think about this situation I hate it, but then I feel bad for him as well.He is in a no win situation WITH ME. If he tells me about their day and something that happen that was funny, it makes me feel terrible, jealous, insecure and every other emotion you can come up with, but if he doesn't talk to me about his day, then I think he is up to something, hiding something from me.What is he supose to do?

It isn't a coincidence that now that they are spending all this time together the phone calls are starting again,the AOL IM's(like it can't wait till the next day at work? It's BS!)I know that he doesn't see anything into this. He is so blinded, so trusting!

It doesn't help the fact that we haven't been implementing Harleys Principles. We have no social life, certainly don't spend the time we should with each other.Between working, the house, and the children, I'm exhausted by 8:00pm. I know he is as well.

I know that he knows the last month or so I haven't been very happy. He has been LBing all over the place(mainly concerning the kids) and just down right pissing me off. Because of this he has come pretty close to emptying my Bank.

I love this man with everything that I am.He just doesn't seem to get how important my children are to me. So when he calls my 6yr old son an "[censored] hole" to his face, or throws a ball at him square in the chest, hurts him and doesn't apologize for it, this doesn't exactly give me warm fuzzy feelings towards him. He knows how I feel about this and yet can't,no......... he won't apologize to him or even to me for that kind of behavior.

He is a good H. He is wonderful around the house, helps out with everything! But the points that he racks up with meething those needs, he looses double or more when it comes to the kids.All he has to do is say one thing and Whooosh, all the good that he did that day is gone!

I don't know how we are going to ge through this.

Virginia,

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but if they are going to lunch together, calling, emailing, it isn't likely the affair has stopped, and your instincts are right on that what he's doing is not only inconsiderate, but wrong.

Affairs don't end when the people remain in friendly contact. My H still works with his FOW, but they aren't in the same building, and they don't have personal conversations, only work. It took a lot to end their relationship, and a lot of time. He really wanted to stay on friendly terms with her, but that only led to more of the physical affair. One of our agreements now is that he does not go to lunch/breakfast/coffee/drinks with her EVER or alone with a co-worker (or any) female.

Dr. Harley actually recommends a job change if at all possible so that no contact with an affair partner can be achieved.

Can your H transfer to a different area again?

If your H won't agree to stop the lunches, or change jobs...then you have to realize the affair is ongoing. He is having both her and his marriage with you. You can choose to Plan A followed by Plan B to help you deal with his ongoing affair, or of course, you can go on as you are or divorce him.

He's put you in a bad situation.

Lor,

Thank you for your reply.

I really do believe that nothing has happened since we got M. When I say phone call's and AOL Im's it isn't all the time, very little in fact, I just feel like I can see/feel it starting all over again.I guess my point is if I stick my head in the sand and pretend that everything is hunky-dory then it will progress to something more.

I know I am not helping matters. I have been moody-unedge.....well pretty much a ***** lately. My job alone is very stressful!

I can just see it.........it is so clasic to everyhting that Harley talks about.

Life at home isn't all that great the W is acting like a ***** the kids are driving both of us crazy, stress w/work....yada, yada, yada.......and there she is to help ease the stress of the day, making work a little more fun.
He is so open/vulnerable,yet he doesn't see it.
It all starts with the emotional stuff....then eventually goes to the physical. He knows this!

Although....I don't blame him if he doesn't want to be around me...........hell, I don't want to be around me.

As to H leaving his job/moving somewhere else, that won't happen.I have thought of different ways of handling the work situation, but I feel it is better that he sees what is going on (what it is doing to me/us)and he comes up with a plan on his own.

If I go that route, I might be waiting a very long time.......<sigh>.......

Not sure what to do.

Thanks!

<small>[ September 11, 2002, 09:41 PM: Message edited by: VIRGINABEAN1122 ]</small>

Opps!
Posted twice.

I do having something to add.

The other night the computer was on.....he was doing something else, I was looking at something he wanted me to look at. The AOL IM came up. It was her.....I pointed to the screen said look who's here. Got up and told him he better talk to her,(of course sarcasticly) As I was leaving I said under my breath......."and so it starts". He ignored the IM followed me to the kitchen.

I had so much respect for him that night, he gained a lot of points for that......I know he did that for me. The prob is later that evening he made a flip remark.......and BAM!! everthing he had gained.....GONE! I know or believe that he wants to do what is right......and by that lil effort of ignoring her made all the difference in the world to me....I felt closer to him ( haven't really felt that in a while) He just seems to always kill it.

Thanks for letting me rant.

<small>[ September 09, 2002, 02:57 PM: Message edited by: VIRGINABEAN1122 ]</small>

Hi there. Are you guys in counseling? It might be a good idea.

Your WH's actions are inappropriate. Ok, so you agree to deal with the work environment. Well, the lunches are unnecessary, the after hour calls and IMs are too. He should simply tell her that he would appreciate it if she does not contact him after hours, unless is it a work related emergency.

Your comment may have been a bit of an LB (about look who is here.) However, did you let you H know how he made you feel when he ignored the IM? If you haven't, it's not too let. I urge you to do so. If you want him to treat you this way you need to treat him that way too.

Now, another thing that really makes me uneasy - his calling your children names. Nobody should call a child an a$$&@$e. Don't you understand how this can have a permanent affect on your child? Let him know that this is totally unacceptable. I don't care what a child does, they don't deserve that.

I think Lor is right, you have to look at the possiblity of the A still happening. At least on an emotion standpoint. Oh, I so urge you guys to talk and get some counseling. You have to communicate. You have to work together and seek out to meet eachothers needs. Ok, so you are exhausted by 8PM. Know what, me too. So, my DH and I spend our evenings cuddling on the couch and relaxing. It allows us to rest and spend some nice quality time together after DS is in bed.

If you want better results you both have to put better effort into the work of the marriage. He is stomping all over you and you are enabling it.

I don't mean to come across strong here. I am not trying to bash you. I am really trying to help. It's just the whole issue of how he treats your children really hit me hard. No child deserves that, and you as a parent shouldn't have to see your spouse treat your children that way. He agreed to love them along with you when he made his vows. He needs to act that way.

I wish you the best, and I hope and pray things start to get better at home for you soon.

Virginia,
I meant to address the kid issue too.

Your H's behavior, cussing & hurting kids is also inappropriate and makes me question his character, moreso than an affair does.

I don't know what kind of ball you were talking about, but there have been Little Leaguers killed when struck square in the chest with a softball...hopefully you were talking basketball.

This would also be a good area to cover in counseling...why he's so antagonistic & aggressive with your kids. He should lose double points with you, he maybe shouldn't even be left alone with them.

Why are the kids driving both of you crazy? I've got teenagers, been driven crazy at moments, but it isn't the natural state of our family.

Why are you being a *****? Read up on the Lovebuster concept, the flip comments you refer to more than likely fall into one of the LB categories.

You are describing a rather high stress home environment, a lot anger from your H, you call it stress from you. With or without his goofing off with this woman (which again is such a poor choice on his part, MB guidelines are no opposite sex, private friendships for married people), these are also your issues as a couple.

Virginia,

I believe we all need to take responsibility for A's that happen and problems in our M, but I feel that you might take the bulk of responsibility unnecessarily...The amount of time your H spends with this person is inappopriate under normal circumstances let alone someone he had an A with before..It is unfair for him to think it is ok, and i believe you have a right to be stressed. I understand SH's LB concepts but we are also human and sometimes need to put things in the place they belong.

On the note of him cussing at your son, that is completely uncalled for under any circumstance, he is definitely in need of some parenting classes if that is the way he treats your children. I usually want to be really supportive on the MB site, but i feel that until your H shows a little more towards making things work, you should not bear all the responsibility..I hope this works out for you, i will be thinking of you,...Take care...

PRINCESS,

No, we aren't in counseling. I know that we should be. That is something that I will address to him when I talk to him.

Your right about my comment (look who is here) being an LB I am sure that it was. When he ignored the IM and followed me to the kitchen he did say " Why do I get the feeling that I'm in trouble,yet I haven't done anything." I couldn't respond. Lately I have been so hurt/angry at everything that I just couldn't answer him, I couldn't even praise him and tell him how proud I was of him ignoring the IM. I know that I need to tell him.

I have told him on countless ocasions that I don't like him calling the kids names......he just dosen't seem to get it. Other then that little detail he is wonderful with them......no, it isn't a little detail.......IT'S HUGE! When he does call them names,he looses big time points.

I have no doubt the PA hasn't happen yet, the EA is begining again. I can see all of the signs! If things continue the way that they have been then It will be there and the PA will soon follow.

That is great that you make the time with your H, cuddling on the couch sounds wonderful. H isn't much of a cuddler(is that a word? oh, well)He isn't very affectionate, not a kisser or hugger, never has been, I have always been the one to say "Hey don't I get a kiss before you go"? Or "Come here and give me a hug/kiss" in a friendly,loving,fun kind of way. I have grown tired of being the one to do that. <<<<<<sigh>>>>>

You haven't come across strong, Your right, we do need to work together to make this work! I am having such a hard time telling him openly and
honestly about how I feel with out LB's or saying things that aren't very nice, letting him know some of the issues I have and it coming
out wrong or taken the wrong way.
Thank you,
I appreciate your candor and insight!

Lor,

Really talking about this has made me realize that what he is doing to the kids is emotional abuse, I won't tolerate it any longer. I have told him before that I don't like it and I want it to stop.......evidently he hasn't gotten that
"This Is A Hint",a big one!

The ball was a soccer ball, wasn't thrown all that hard, but then again hard enough, and my son is a "lil guy", small for his age. So it did make an impact.

This is something else.......I just don't understand. All of us could be goofing around having fun.....eventually one of us get's hurt, my H is the one that does it and he can't/won't apologize, I don't understand, my God, If I hurt my children or anybody for that matter I feel terrible I say I'm sorry and ask if they are o.k.
He can't do that. For that alone I agree with you he/we need counceling.

The kids have been fighting really bad lately. Geting back in the routine of school, homework, chores. I am on edge about H and co-worker
stressed about work, then trying to have the kids behave. I want my H and well,my self along with the kids to have a "safe haven" a home that doesn't have the "stress", fighting and so on. I feel like I am failing misserably.

Last night when I was getting into bed, he was getting his clothes together for the next day, he asked me if I was mad today." Is it something I did". I replied "Yep, I was mad". H replied "Are
you going to tell me what I did". I know it was
the perfect opertunity to talk to him......I just couldn't. The only thing I could get out was, "It
isn't so much what you have done, it is what your not doing." Meaning, when OW is around he is
a completly different person, he is disrespectfull to me, the kids, un-feeling, One might even question if he loves me.
When it is just us or other men around he is wonderful, caring, respectfull, charming.....he is the man I fell in love with.

I know that we need to talk, I just need to get my head together to figure out what to say.

Thank you Lor!

Zachsmom,

That is one of the questions I do want to ask him. If he thinks it's ok to be working full time with her again. I'm just not sure how to word it?

I do agree with everyone that has replied we need counceling to help address the issue about the kids, I'm pretty much at the end of my rope on that one! I am here to love, care for and protect my children and I'm not doing my job if I let him treat them that way! That is another reason why I am angry.......angry at my self for letting it happen.

I do believe that once we really sit down and have a good talk, I will see the improvement with him. I know he wants the M to work.
If after that, and things are still the same,then I know what I have to do.

Thank you for your help

All of you have been great!!

<small>[ September 11, 2002, 09:47 PM: Message edited by: VIRGINABEAN1122 ]</small>

Virginia - Try sending him a letter. My DH and I found that to work very well at times in the beginning. We were able to get out some of our feelings and thoughts a little better.

Yes, you do need to get into some type of counseling. It concerned me about the fact that he's not affectionate. I would be a million to one that if it were gone he'd miss it. My DH did. Now he wants the affection. You need to talk to DH about that too. Let him know that it's important to you. You may not need it all the time, but it's not fair to expect you to do without it all the time. I bet in the beginning of the relationship it wasn't like that. You both need to look into eachother's needs and start trying to meet them. It could really help in many aspects.

Also, as for the kids, their increased "energy" could also be due to the air of things around them. They sense many things we don't even think they are aware of. Just a thought. Really, talk with DH about your concern for your relationship and the thought of counseling. Ask him to at least give it a shot. Obviously there are some issues that need to be addressed, and I don't think that even he can deny that.

I wish you all the best. We are here for you. Take care.

Princess,

The letter idea sounds like a good one.
I will have to try that.

I have been looking around the area for a councelor. Might even ask H about talking with the Harley's.

He isn't an affectionate man. Wasn't raised that way. In the begining there really wasn't a lot, not like the "norm" in a new relationship. But what was there was good for me. Now there really isn't much if any at all. I really honestly don't know if he would miss it or not.

I think your right about the "Air" in the house affecting the kids. Lately they both have just been mean, disrespectfull, not listening. They are not like that. They really are good kids.

Tonight I started working on filling out the ENQ
I would like to wait till the weekend and then go over them. He hasn't started his yet.

I'll keep in touch and let you know what's happening.

Thank you!

<small>[ September 11, 2002, 09:39 PM: Message edited by: VIRGINABEAN1122 ]</small>

Just a thought..
If your husband calls you bad names, it affects the children as a bad example. If he calls your little children *******s thats abusing them.
You have a choice to tolerate rudeness from him. Your children don't. They can't leave. They depend on your protection and judgment of who you bring into and keep as their father figure. Who's taking care of the children?
Quite frankly, I can't imagine being six years old and being called that by anyone, muchless someone that my mom choses to allow in my home as a father figure.
Love can blind us all-be aware of what you are allowing your kids to be treated like.

Ezra,

I know! That is one of the reason's why I have been hurt/angry. I'm hurt at the fact that he is behaving this way and that I have allowed this kind of behavior and I am angry at my self for doing so.

NOT any more!

My children do come first! If things don't change in that regard then I will ask for a D.

I would rather be alone and have my children in a loving, nurturing, caring, happy enviroment then be with a man.

Thank you!