Strange situation, stranger feelings. W (she ended A with OM, and we're trying to recover)works with OM. He went away for several weeks and left his key ring in the office with his apartment key, car keys, etc. The office keys are on the ring. She's filling in, and pocketed the keys in her jacket so she can get in the office every day. Makes sense, right? No, she's not popping over to his house.
But, here's the thing... I can get those keys easily and go do a little snooping. I know it's not a healthy thing to do, but my curiosity about the details of the affair sometimes gets the best of me. Like her, I believe in letting the past go, learning what created the situation, not the specific details, and moving forward. But this is a very powerful allure.
I woke up yesterday fully confident I wouldn't and didn't need to see what little skeletons he has tucked in his closets. I know he's a packrat and sentimental, so I'm betting there is more than enough stuff in that place to help me put the puzzle together.
But... Well, you know the drill. Don't do anything that would be the cause of your spouse's unhappiness. As she has said she won't discuss details because she thinks they will hurt me (ok, she's right on that), I know she's not going to just hand over the keys. Also, she's a very strong person and will see my prying as a violation of his privacy and her trust. It makes sense on the logical "Gonna get better in my head" level, and I think that's why I've resisted. But again, that nasty demon rears its head...

Stop me!!!!!!!!!!

Don't do it!

Just think: " JAIL!!!!!!!!!! "

You could be observed or caught, and the least you could expect would be a charge of trespassing. Even worse would be a charge of Attempted Burglary or Burglary if something should somehow come up missing and he finds out you were there.

Just picture yourself in stripes (not becoming) and chains. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chorus:
<strong>... but my curiosity about the details of the affair sometimes gets the best of me. Like her, I believe in letting the past go, learning what created the situation, not the specific details, and moving forward</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hi there

look at your quote: dont you think its a bit contradictory? you see, you have a NEED TO KNOW. without you knowing, recovery can't progress. that's where you are now. 'letting the past go' may be the easy way out, but it will come back and haunt you.

Holy sugar!! It is illegal! And if he has a grudge against you he will use this against you. All he needs to do is report something missing, call the cops in and do some finger-printing. Do you want to give him such power over you?

Besides, I have never benefited from the results of snooping and have always wished I had not done it. I could understand it if she's with him still, but you say you are back together now.

Strange that she should take his keys. What you could do though, take them, put them in an envelope and mail them to his address.

<small>[ September 09, 2002, 12:30 PM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

"Picture yourself in stripes." I love that! lol. Brought a smile.
And thanks for the twoX4 to the head. On the whole "You need to know" stuff, there is an enormous part of me that wants to know what happened. I can justify by saying it tells me her patterns and I can figure out her ENs better, so on and so on. But, I'm going on faith here -- she says she wants to move past, that the things she did were bad and would hurt me. She has revealed the duration and circumstances of her affairs. (yes, plural.) and given me enough basic info to go on. The rest of the information -- the gruesome details -- is just filler, and really, I don't want to know all the nasties. I mean, God, how do you get the details out of your head? I already have enough problems just imagining her with him.
Besides, I give her credit. I cheated too. She doesn't ask details. She asked one detail, about my emotional involvement. That was it. The rest, as she says, is just water.
On the "why did she take his keys" thing... to get into work. Yea, she could have taken the keys off the ring, but why question? I know she's not going to his apartment, she has ended the relationship (and that's another post for another day) and has made a commitment to making it work. So, to some extent, I have to just let things be.
But man... that is soooo tempting! In a way, I'll be glad when he gets back and takes his damn keys back where they belong. Now if he'd just move to another country. Say, Afghanistan?

What you could do is take his apartment keys and mail them to his address. Addresses your temptation issue.

you all sound so good. I would probably. wear rubber gloves and go in. IM AWFUL. I know its wrong but this whole situation is wrong so , and i know two wrongs don't make a right but HELLO. Sorry, my evilness is showing. I so wish i could get even, this plan a is killing me.

Chorus ~

1. Don't break into his house - like others said, the result could be Jail.

2. You absolutely do have the right and the need to know the details of your wife's affair.

You are taking the Rule of Protection, and twisting it a bit in an unhealthy fashion. You see, your wife was the cause of your unhappiness by having the affair. Sharing with you the details is part of your healing, and one of the consequences of her choices. You see, her privacy is causing YOU unhappiness. Why is her right to privacy greater than your need to know?

More importantly - why is the OMs need for privacy more important than your need to know?

Don't you see the problem here?

Have you read the articles on this site about Radical Honesty? Her need for privacy violates the rule of radical honesty. As long as she violates the Rule of Honesty AND the Rule of Protection - SHE is the one causing difficulties with your recovery.

It is my opinion, that real recovery is impossible as long as the details of the affair are covered up and radical honesty is not practiced. You talk about violating HER trust - I'd like to point out that its YOUR trust that has been destroyed, and SHE is the one that should be EARNING yours back. What makes you think that she should just get it back from you blindly? What has she done to prove it to you?

I can tell you today, a little over a year into recovery, I trust my husband. Why? Because everything he tells me, everything he does can be verified. Part of his contribution to our recovery was that he gave up all "privacy" in order to rebuild my trust by the practice of radical honesty.

I would like to strongly suggest that you call the Harleys for some counseling thru your recovery, if indeed that is what it is. Read all of the articles on this site about infidelity and radical honesty.

You could also get the book "After the Affair" by Janis Spring Abhrams - fantasic read for inital recovery for both spouses.

This article is a good one too: http://www.smartmarriages.com/glass.html

Michelle Weiner Davis on healing after an affair:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Although some people are more curious than others, it's very common to have lots of questions about the affair, especially initially.
If you have little interest in the facts, so be it. However, if you need to know what happened, ask. Although the details may be uncomfortable to hear, just knowing your spouse is willing to
"come clean" helps people recover. As the unfaithful spouse, you might feel tremendous remorse and guilt, and prefer avoiding the details entirely, but experience shows that this is a formula for disaster. Sweeping negative feelings and lingering questions under the carpet makes genuine healing unlikely.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Take care - hope some of this helps.

Bramble, et al...
Thanks, again, for the good words. It is very comforting to know there are people willing to put their two cents in. So please, forgive if I offend in reply. Just part of the conversation that gets me through the days...
I think the desire to know the truth works on two levels. At the core -- the basic loss of trust core -- we want to know why, how, when, etc. We want to find out what we were doing that day or night. We want to see what patterns were there, etc., that might be avoided. We want to look over the carnage, learn from it, accept it and move on. If we truly move on.
On the other hand, there is the level that says we should seek to find what led to the A. That's the important aspect. What needs was he fulfilling? What did she get from it? She's told me the answers to those questions. It is a terribly complex issue. At the core of our problem is simply this -- I never trusted her judgment, her reasoning or her ability to manuever as a human. I "scripted" a lot of her bahavior, and issued hugely disrespectful judgments.
Now, we come to this moment in our lives. She told me about the A. She said she wanted to stay. She asked me to work on the relationship with her. She made commitments to the relationship, including following many, but not all, the guidelines of the MB. She has done what was asked, and I have, unfortunately, slipped with LBs and judgments during this process. And, again, I too had As of my own.
So she asks me this: For the sake of building the trust, for the sake of healing the relationship, can I not ask those questions? She has agreed that if she ever has those "feelings" that led her down those paths, she will tell me. She has said she will never have an A again, that if it gets that bad, she will know there was no way I could change enough to meet the needs she was lacking in our relationship, nor would she be able to meet mine.
Am I trying to talk myself into accepting this wisdom? Probably. It rubs against my grain, but reality is, there are a lot of things about me that created this volatile cocktail that led to multiple affairs on both parts. And yes, there are things in her mix that added to that mess. But, if the one thing she is asking is that I somehow come to terms with the details of the past without her revealing what she says are hurtful and painful details for me, then why would I not be honest in the attempt?

I think what be a more appropriate request of her is not that she tell me the details, but simply that she be willing should I ever ask.

We are, btw, planning to see a counselor soon. I'm going to individual sessions, and he is very pro-marriage. He staunchly advocates a solution-based approach, and doesn't believe in separations or divorce as a remedy. However, he said it best: "Why do you want to keep reliving the misery? You have the information that's important. She had an A. That's enough for you to know. She ended it. That's enough for you to know. She's working on your marriage. That's enough for you to know. Your inner child is having a tantrum because he's been hurt. Don't give in to the inner child."

Hmm... maybe I just answered my own question.

First, I respect the choices you and your wife have agreed on with regard to details. I answered a lot of very difficult questions for my BH. They helped a lot, but hurt when answered initially. We also agreed to leave out some dirty details. No real need. Anyhow, I applaud this and hope it works for you.

As for the keys - why don't you talk to your wife about this. Let her know it is causing you these feelings. Explain that you would never betray her trust that way, but that you were wondering if she could leave the keys (except the office keys) at work in her desk. This would alleviate the anxieties you are feeling.

Hope this helps. My best to you. Take care.

Princess --
You're a pal, thanks for the words. Mostly, it just gives me the chance to talk out stuff. Opposite viewpoints make me reengage the world of reality.
As for your suggestion, I'll take it to heart. If the knowledge that I could get in his apartment and rummage to my heart's content gets too overwhelming, I will talk to her. It will set her off, but heck, what else is new!

It might set her off at first, but I think if she thinks about it, and you approach it in the right way, after she cools down she will respect you for talking to her.

Like I said, emphasize that you would never betray her trust that way, but that it is simply causing you some anxiety having them in the house. Let her know that you felt comfortable to talk to her, and hoped that she could help you through the anxieties.

In any event, it's good to vent here, and know that we are here for you. Good luck.