Okay so I moved to Utah...

Here are some stress I have:

Need to find a house

Can't put daughter in school until I find a house

Need to find a job

For the time being, both of us living with my parents

Found OW phone numbers reprogrammed into my WH new cell phone (hidden under another name)

After finding her phone numbers, I lost it and sked him to leave. The next morning, we got together to discuss the next step. During our conversations here were some of his comments:
"This is hard for me too, just for different reasons. I think about her every day and want to be with her because I still love her."
"I do not think that my relationship had a 'natural' ending, so yes, I think that she is perfect and she is everything I have ever wanted."
"If living together for the next three months will help both of us get settled, then I could probably stand you that long. Then if things don't work out, the only stress we will be dealing with is our break-up and not all these other things."

My question is this...
Do I live with a man who is longing for this OW and has put a time limit on how long he will work on our relationship?
OR...
Do I get my own apartment and he gets his and let him work out his feelings for her. Meaning, try to let it end a natural death?

I am SO CONFUSED and I need answers ASAP!! So please if you know my situation or feel like you can help, respond!!!! Thanks in advance!

Hi,

Is he making you feel safe and secure? How much do you need that vs a place to live and $$ to live off of? Hard choices but right now he is not being respectful of you and your family.

Do you have an mc you can speak with?

L.

I don't know what to tell you. My STBX was 2000-10000 miles away from OW and she was all he ever wanted to think of. So distance isn't always what it needs to be!!!

Have the two of you done the things that you need to do, the NC letter and such?

Can you afford to be on your own $$$? If you stay with WH will he work on marriage and getting over OW? If not willing to work can you be with him? Can you detach emotionally from WH at this time and live in same household?

Lots of questions but ones you need to think of, no one here has the answer for you! We can help you get to the answer that is best for you though!!!

Just my 2 cents take them or leave them it's your choice!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for your responce Orchid and Daybreak! I feel bad that I had to leave and search for houses and apartments! I am not on my own computer, so it's hard to find a good time to log on. Now let's see if I can answer some questions.

Right now, we do not have a MC. The last one we went to in Houston, thought I was crazy to stay with him. But she also did not believe in the Harley principles. My WH has been trying with little things. I can check all of his e-mail and his phone, but I now wonder if he is just hiding things better. He also says that for OW it was over three months ago, when he told her to move on that he was working on his marriage. But... he kept her phone numbers because, "I will call her up in three months if it doesn't work out between us. It will probably be a joke for her, but I know I will want to call and see." He confuses me SO bad sometimes!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Because in the next breath he will say, "things were going so well between you and I and then some little thing happens and you remind me why I don't want to be with you." Does he not see that as long as he is honest with me that I do not blow up!!! I know that this is something I need to work on, butit is so hard when I am feeling so much stress. Did I mention I was in a car accident on Saturday??? Yep! Ruined the whole front end of my car! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Anyway, we decided after my first post, that at a time of all this stress was not the time to make a big decision about our relationship. This was basically HIS choice. We sat down and talked. i said what do you WANT to do? He said lets rent a house and after everything calms down, figure out where WE are. He really does not want our D growing up in an apartment.

We have not wrote a NC letter. That issue was a major LB for him, so I let it go. But I did contact her and let her know that if she did not leave my family alone, i would forward all of the e-mails the two of them sent back and forth to her and my WH former boss(she took over my H's position in the company).

My WH says he wants to work on our M, but my gut tells me that these are just words. It could be the fog talking. He has only not seen her for a week! And since they worked together every day for the last 2.5 yrs, I sure the withdrawl will be harsh.(the A was only 1.5 of those yrs) I just don't like that he has set a time limit. I know that we probably will not recover in 3 months, but what he is looking for is a reason to stay and make it work and that I am hoping we can do in this amount of time.

My WH has offered to live in the same house and sleep in seperate rooms if we need to do that. I'm not sure if I would be able to detach myself emotionally to him, but this would probably help. Do you think i need to do this while the withdrawl is going on?

Any responces or encouragement is greatly appreciated! Sorry such a long post AGAIN!

I hear you pq. I know it hurts. This is probably the hardest thing you will ever have to go through.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Here are some stress I have:
Need to find a house
Can't put daughter in school until I find a house
Need to find a job</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First: don't forget to breath!!!

Second: Pray, Pray, Pray. Keep doing your part to try and resolve these things. Do something every week. If a day or two goes by and you didn't accomlish anything then allow yourself to be human and just start again the next day. God is in control and everything will eventually fall into place. Just keep doing your part: sending out resumes, looking for a home.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do I live with a man who is longing for this OW and has put a time limit on how long he will work on our relationship?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you should for the time being. Right now you are in Plan A. You have a plan, that is what releases some of the confusion. You are not going about your life on hold with no direction. You are in Plan A. Committ to it for the 3 months. Because most likely there will be a time when Plan B will come into play. So you are setting a foundation for him to remember how wonderful you are. Don't worry so much if you screw up some. Allow yourself to be human. Him reminding you of your mistakes is his way of justifying his actions. There is no excuse. No one is perfect. Not you or OW. You should be doing the same thing he is doing right now. Committing to work on the marriage in Plan A for a certain length of time. If you can do 3 months, your doing great! I could only committ for 6 weeks at one point. After the 3 months you both re-evaluate where you are and decide if you are ready for Plan B.

Absense makes the heart grow fonder. Soooo, right now all he can think about is how perfect she is and how imperfect you are. BUT, I guarantee you when/if you have to go to Plan B, at some point he WILL be thinking of how perfect you are and how imperfect she is.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Found OW phone numbers reprogrammed into my WH new cell phone (hidden under another name) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">See if he will agree to committ to no contact for 3 months to work on the marriage.

Is it possible to counsel with the Harley's over the phone?

The fact that he moved away from her shows that he is willing to work on the marriage.

I completely understand the feeling of teaching him how to cheat better. BUT, again this is where faith in God is gonna bring you through. You have to believe that God has your best interest at heart. My prayer is always: Lord reveal anything in my marriage that needs to be revealed and give me peace if there is nothing. That puts my trust in God and not my H. God has always revealed the truth.

Your right, you will not recover in 3 months. You will make mistakes during that time. But hopefully, he will be able to look at the big picture and not focus on the mistakes and make a wise decision. If not, it is full Plan B. Plan B, I think would be hell for him. If he thinks she is so perfect and he is not going to work on the marriage then he will probably go back to Houston to work on the "perfect" relationship. Meanwhile, he will reap the consequences of missing his D. Plus, the shame he will feel from leaving both sides of the family to go be with her. You will then have their help until he comes to his senses. That will be the time that he will think about your Plan A efforts. By the way...does the family know? I can't remember.

I don't think it is wise to sleep in separate bedrooms. There is no plan in that. You need to be in either Plan A or Plan B. And stick to it for 6 weeks or 3 months whatever you can handle. Put a time limit on it then re-evaluate when that time is up, what you should do next.

pq, hang in there. We are all here for you. You are not alone. You are not loosing your mind. You will know when enough is enough and you will be strong enough for Plan B if the time comes for that. Try and look at the big picture: he was willing to move far away from her. He will NOT want to be away from his D. He fell in love with you before, he is capable of falling in love with you again. It just takes time.

LuvNprotect,

You brought me to tears! THANK-YOU for setting me straight! I SOOOO appreciate all the kind words and thoughtful responces I get here. There are such good and kind people on this sight. I will do my best.

We found a house yesterday, and will be moving in on Monday. It is close to my parents and sister, so they can help with our D. And yes, they all know the situation. My parents are doing well with it, but my sister is always trying to give good advice(she's the older one), but her advice is to D and take him for all he's worth. So I have to tell her thanks, back off, and take deep breaths.

We are also heading down to St. George for the weekend. There is a rodeo(not even close to Houston's standards) that my H has gone to since he was a boy. So we are going with his family to that. I think it will be a nice break for him from the stress of all this. Probably for me too.

Well I had better go, everyone is wondering what I am doing up here. We are all sick and pretty much vegging out to TV today. Nothing like adding salt to the stress wounds... Oh the joys of life!!! Thanks again! I miss Texas already!!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I will try to keep ya'll updated as much as I can.

PQ- I even tried to call you the other day, was hoping I would get a forwarding number.. I am a talker... ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> email me if you want and I will call you sometime.. work lisa.barfield@elpaso.com

Anyway, You are going to make it!

I am glad you are both moving to a house together. I am sorry he is being a but+head..

I am sorry about the phone numbers.. I know, i know. Don't you long for the old days? Well, we are unfortuantely in the new days.

GOING Crazy and me reall y like the restoreministries.com concepts too... take a look sometime.. there is a great workbook for women that helps you be the GOOD wife the bible says to be which attracts your h back to you.

I know I am too bosys and controlling,e tc nowadys, and was before the a, and less enticing and etc. and sweet and lovey dovey.. maybe that is what the ow has?

PLAN A your butt off for 3 mths.

Counsel with the harleys if at all poss.

I care about you, I really missed you that last lunch and have really thought about you alot. I am sorry we have not had contact. Where were you that day? We were worried you tried to find us and didn't.

GOtta go work, will ck in on you tonite or later today if I can. GOtta do my job.
Hugs, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
HOney

pq -- I can't really add to the great advice you got from luvandprotectme. It is solid and she is right -- you can do it for three months.

I think your biggest hurdle (from reading your previous posts) is to keep from lovebusting, which I know is so, so hard. You do need to find some peace with a higher power because you cannot control this situation. For those of us who are accumstomed to running things/being in control, it is a hard path to follow, but so important when trying to restore your marriage.

I am thinking of you and sending you strength. Have a great time in St. George -- I have never lived in Utah, but have family there in Salt Lake and ranches in the northeastern part of the state and have taken many trips to raft and hike in the beautiful canyon country.

Thanks guys!!! We have actually been doing pretty good the last few days. I think finding a house was a HUGE releif for both of us! I am going to try to control my temper and my emotions for the next three months and I am REALLY going to work on the wieght issue.(We have decided to work on that together!) Anyway, I am so appreciative to you all, and I'm going to check into counseling with the Harley's. I don't know if my WH is up for that yet, so it might just be me, but it is probably worth it!

Honey,
I will e-mail you as soon as I get a minute -K- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Unsure,
You always keep me reminded of my weakness are and that I need to work on them, thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

To all here on MB.,
You all deserve to have a wonderful weekend for the love and support you give out so freely. Therefore; a sincere THANK-YOU and GOD BLESS! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi PQ,
I'm not from Houston, but can I welcome you to Utah? I hope you like it here. I am a transplanted Californian. I really like it here. But I hate the winter still after 24 yrs. BURRRRR. To cold for me. I prefer the beach.

Anyway just to let you know I am sorry for your situation. I don't have any advice. I'm to new to this thing. I hope things improve for you and that you enjoy your new home.

Sharon

PQ - Glad to see you found a house. Hope you had fun this weekend. Remember to stay focused on the end goal because it will be a roller coaster. My WH fessed to everthing on Thursday. Actually said he wanted to get out of R with OW. Funny what happens when OWH catches on. Then went to work on Friday and did an about face probably due to seeing OW all day. I can't believe I let myself get caught in his web once again.

You actually are a great encouragement to me how you keep your spirit up and keep fighting. Don't know if I'll ever get that chance. For now I need to work on getting back to the gym. Have missed it the last 3 weeks due to budget season at work. I've been putting in long days and nights, mainly caused by not being able to focus during August. But me boss seems to think I may get a promotion to VP in Q1. That would allow me to be able to keep my house. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Keep your fingers crossed for me.

PQ - where are you? How are things going?

pq -- Haven't heard a peep from you in many days. I hope everything is going well (or as well as can be expected). We're thinking of you.

Just a hi!

Honey

Hello Everyone!!!

No I did not go off and join a convent. They wouldn't allow my sailor mouth in without a vow of silence, so I said forget it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well a lot has happened since my last post. Most of it is the normal ups and downs, but there is something that I didn't find common. Maybe ya'll can help me figure out if this means anything or if its just FOG.

Okay, so my WH has not been doing ANYTHING! Not helping around the house, not working, not sleeping. The only thing he will tell me is that he now feels like Houston was his home and feels uncomfortable here in UT. I have been doing GREAT at not LBing and ya'll know what an accomplishment that is for me. But I broke down the other night. He had asked me for SF in the middle of the day, and I was very busy getting our house put together. Plus it has all been for HIS satifaction lately, nothing in it for me, so I told him no. Then later that night, I asked him for SF and he said no way! Well, at the end of the night, I just had to ask him what he was thinking about us. He said he feels NOTHING! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> He told me all he knows is that he doesn't feel important anymore since no one has to answer to him, he doesn't like this town, and OW is all he can think about. How am I suppose to respond to that????? So I said, "Well, I guess these three months will be just out of convience then and we had better both have our ducks in a row by the end of November."

I don't know how much longer I can do this. I loose more love for him each day. He oinks whenever I eat, eventhough I am on the Atkin's diet and have lost 7 lbs. in four days. He won't sit down and talk to me like we were doing in Houston. I just feel like when do you decide that the one you love doesn't love you enough to try to make it work and how long do you prevent yourself from experiencing real love with someone else?? Maybe my WH and I are just too different. He has NO remorse about the selfish things he has done in our marriage including the A and going to strip clubs and getting lap dances and moving me around the country. I just keep wondering if I made the biggest mistake of my life by coming here with him...

Any advice would be appreciated. I gat the internet today in my new house, so I can respond to ya'll without week-long gaps. Thank-you for all being so supportive and letting me vent here tonight. Take Care!

Just a bump to let you all know that I am alive!

PQ - Really sorry to hear that things are not going well. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Your WH sounds really depressed to me. Do you think it may be the withdrawal from OW? Even if it is withdrawal, it does not excuse his treatment of you. Make sure you are taking care of yourself. Be careful on the Atkins diet. It is not a healthy way to lose weight.

You asked if you made a mistake moving with him to UT. At a minimum, you are back where your family and support system are. Use them. If your WH doesn't turn around, you will be glad to be around family for both you and your daughter's sake.

Remember, you are a wonderful woman with a lot to offer, you can't change your husband. You've said it before and it bears repeating. All you can do is change yourself and if your husband doesn't benefit from the changes you are making, someone else will. Someone who will love both you and your daughter and treat you both the way you deserve to be treated.

pq -- Probably not helpful, but I have to vent about something you mentioned. Your WH "oinks" when you eat?!? I want to get in my car and drive over and bop him in the head and then see if he's "all that" that he even thinks he can be doing something so cruel. PQ - Nobody deserves that kind of treatment.

That said, you do love him and I truly hope that by showing him your changes and your love that he will be able to see the light. I think he is doing things like the above to make himself feel better and invalidate your changes. You keep going. You keep changing.

I am glad you are near your family for support and love.

You all are the best!!! I actually had another great night with WH last night. My family came over for a BBQ. I actually cooked everything and it turned out wonderful! My WH and I got a little tipsy, and after everyone went home we had a bit of fun!!

AJR,
I think you are right that he is depressed and going through withdrawl. I mean he saw her everyday for 8 - 10 hours!!!! She did ANYTHING he told her to do. And guess what, I'm not like that! I not his little puppy that obeys his every command. I am an educated, strong willed women that has opinions and views that will be expressed and if he doesn't like it, he can go find another fish in the sea!!! Sorry, that was a little empowering statement that was said for me!

Unsure,
It's always good to know that you've got my back!!!

Well, I had better go and look for a job. Anyone have friends in the banking world???? I trying to find a career that allows me to use my math degree! Maybe I'll go and apply at the local gas station and wash cars! Just teasing! Once again thanks for all the help and support!

Just a small update...

Do all WS just LIKE to lie???? I so thought that my WH and I were making progress. But tonight I checked his phone for the first time in about a week. And I noticed his old cell number from Houston was called. I thought, "How strange?" So I called it from our home phone and sure enough the voice mail answers and it says,
"You have reached OW at XXX..." In her little chipper voice!!!!

So I calmly go downstairs and ask my WH if he has talked to OW today.
He answers NO.
I said, "Are you sure? Her phone number is on your phone?"
He said NO.
I said in a sarcastic voice, "So you didn't call your old cell number today?"

He replied that he had called that number THINKING it was the old office number and when he heard her voice he hung up.

What a load of BULL$$it!!! I swear, I don't even think he knows what the truth is!!!!!

I also said,"Well why didn't you tell me that when I asked if you had talked to her?"
And then comes the FAMOUS LINE..."I forgot."

These are the times when I want to say,"You inconsiderate [censored]!! Get out of my house and out of my life you lying, cheating, son of a bi##h. And get a good lawyer!!!!!!!!!!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
I am so angry right now I could strangle him! But instead, I smiled, walked away, and came here to vent. So thanks guys for letting me!