Wanted to say hello and thank you to all. This board has really helped me and H thru some very tough times. I posted in recovery as well

My D-day was in April when I discovered my H's emails to OW. We are doing better than before EA and I know he is really trying to help me get through this.

some background:
We were going thru some tough times both work and home-wise when H started to drink quite heavily. He just past the big 40 and was depressed. He met OW in a bar and she poured her troubles out him.

She told him that she had been just thrown out by her live in lover of 5 years (whom she had left her then H and 2 year old D for---found out later than D was older (now 11 than she said??? what's up with that?)

Instead of saying "poor you and leaving it H said " my marriage was going thru a rough patch too"

2 weeks later H walks into the same bar and had drinks and conversation with OW who invites H for lunch H accepts and B4 lunch there are text msgs and OW called him while H was in the Park with our 3 year old S.

After a couple more mushy emails, they meet kiss and she informs him that she has been in contact with her lover. H asks where she will be and tries to meet up with her again. More text msgs and she emails that she "does not want to complicate our lives -- Let's leave it for a while".

Roll on D-day when I find out that my usually reluctant to speak H has been telling OW about "our lousy M" -- my phrase. I am devastated and H agrees to counselling which helped a lot. I trusted H b4 this but I find it so hard to do so now. We move closer together (after much tears and till dawn discussions) and H tells me it was nothing -- he has taken care of it and wants our M and family.

Then the clicher within a month of D-day -- OW walks into my workplace -- a DIY craft store --with her daughter and waits for my H to show up. I call H (though she did not identify herself beyond being H's "friend". She asks for H by name to a co-worker and when told H was arriving later to pick me up goes out with her D and returns 2 hours later to sit and wait for him while painting with her D.

When H arrives (pale and shaking) cockaroach (just my pet name for OW) smiles and says "Do you remember me? " H says "have you met my wife?" and though she hasn't been introduced says " yes we have had a talk"...then as I had a large party going on and could not do anything ||||( like smash a vase on her head)...she actually went up to my son (who came in with my H to pick me up) and touched him --ARRRGGGHH

She stayed with her D who has music lessons in the same building as my new workplace until well past closing time until repeated goodbyes were said. This is the woman whom my H said "would never do a thing like that" when I asked him what will I do if she comes into the store??

I am proud of myself as I treated her like any other customer and did not stamp on that cockaroach

Question:

my H finally read HNHN by De Harley but cannot tell me
why he did what he did "I don't know" -- if it was not fulfilling in some way why want to meet her again??
what else happened " I can't remember" --if it was so innocent why did OW show up? (with her D in tow --poor kid)
What needs did she meet? "none really" --so why pursue then?

Sorry this is so long. I am just rying to vent, work this out without rehashing the issues which makes H defensive and me tearful....sigh..

Any advice, views greatly appreciated

<<bumping up...hoping for a response>>

Hi babysteps,

"I don't know", "I don't remember", ... WS gets defensive... No disrespect to all of the WS that post here, but do all WS's go to some special class to learn these two phrases???

It took my wife a long time to understand the "why" of her many affairs... MC was a tremendous help. If you and your H aren't seeing a good MC, then you really should start. You might also want to get a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. Our MC recommended this book and we worked through it together... it really helped us learn the "why" of the affairs, and how to prevent them from occuring again in the future.

You are a much stronger person that I am.... if I met one of the OM, I'd probably end up in jail <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> !!!

Find a good MC and let us know how you're doing.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Hi there. Sorry I couldn't respond sooner. Your H is responding quite standard. It is truly hard to look inside yourself and see the ugliness that caused you to have an A. It's even harder to look the person you love and have destroyed in the eyes and attempt to explain to them what you yourself is just beginning to figure out. It's not until well after we survive the images of our evil innerself that we finally see that our spouse respects us so much more for being able to do this for them.

I went through many discussions of "I don't knows" and "I don't have the answer", etc. Also, I found that many times I almost did have the answer but either 1) I didn't have the words to express it; and/or 2) I was afraid to let my husband see me in the ugly light that I now saw myself in. I mean, if I really show him how ugly I am how could he love me? Well, truth is, he has already seen it before me, and he chose to love me and stand by my side. Hopefully soon your husband will realize this too.

Understand too, that by saying I did this, here is why, I am ugly - we are making ourselves vulnerable. We are opening ourselves up to a well deserved ridicule. It's kind of scary. What we don't realize is that our BS loves us so much that they won't take advantage of this. It's not that we feel you are capable of kicking us while we are down, but we are so blinded by our fear that we are simply afraid of it.

Try to let your WH know that you understand that it is hard on him too. That you realize that it must be difficult for him to try to come up with these answers for you. Let him know that it's ok to not always have the answer. However, also let him know that when he does figure these things out, because you know that that are there somewhere, that you hope he will feel safe to talk to you about that so that the two of you can work through them together and rebuild your marriage even stronger.

I hope this helps. I wish you the best, and if there is anything else I can offer, please ask. Take care.

Rebuilding in Faith 90

Thanks for replying <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
The MC we did see focused more on our/his communication issues than the EA itself we had a good "last" session after the OW reappeared.

we worked on a plan to deal with her if she shows up again at my workplace ( she hasn't yet thank the Lord. But her D has with her maid/helper a couple more times so I do think I have a great chance of seeing OW again. YUK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I have read Torn Asunder but as H just finished reading HisNeeds Her Needs (bless him) and is not a fast reader, I will have patience <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
money is tight right now so I guess here is my therapy room ~grin~

Princess

Thank you very much for letting me have some insight into what my H is feeling. I read and re-read your post. You are so right. I have to show him my committment to making our marriage the best there is and not hurt him by "interrogating" him all the time. see what you get when you marry a lawyer ~sigh~ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

SAFE --SECURE-- that's what we all want and need to feel with our spouses right? I'm learning <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Your reply really did help me and I wish you all the best as well. Thank you.

I'm glad I could help. I know it's hard not to "interrogate", and you do deserve better answers, but be patient. I believe that in time he will feel comfortable to open himself up and say, ok here it is this is the devil inside of me.

Oh, and I had to laugh when you said about marrying a lawyer - I work for laywers. I am a legal assitant, and have worked for attorneys for 10 yrs.

Anyhow, I am proof that it can and does get better. It's a hard road for all involved. That does not mean that your feelings have less meaning, it just means that you both have very real feelings.

My best to you, take care.