I found out about this site because of my brother. He is getting divorced. He came here for support and told me about it. After reaqding things here I wonder if I am making a mistake about something.
I have known a woman at the place where I work for about two years. We have been friendly but not real friends. I would joke with her and things like that. About a month ago we decided to go to lunch together. We have been going to lunch now each week.
She sent me a message that said in regards to something I said to her that I was a good ego booster. Later she said she had never had a friend quite like me.
She is married. I am married. Both content and we eat in public. There is no fooling around or anything like that.
Is this wrong? I don't think so. But I wonder because I am senstitive to what my brtother is going through

Does your wife know about this friend? If this friend of yours is someone you keep secret from your wife, and the lunches are something you are uncomfortable telling your wife, then yes it is wrong.

Also, in regards to the ego-boosting comments - think of it this way. . . how would you feel if 1) another man told your wife things like that and she was very flattered by them; and/or 2) your wife were saying things like that to flatter another man?!

Step cautiously. There is nothing wrong with friends of the opposite sex, but as all here will testify too, it can quickly change without any plan of ever doing so. If it is just a platonic friendship, keep it in terms that you would not have a problem with if it were your wife and a male friend. Also, keep it open with your wife.

I hope this helps. Good luck to you. You did the right thing coming here and looking into your actions before they turn destructive. Stick around and learn all you can to keep your marriage strong. I wish I had, but I am glad I found this place to help rebuild it. Hope you never find yourself in my shoes.

No married people of the opposite sex should socially interact on a one to one basis be it in a public setting or via flattering email. It may be harmless at this point. It may always continue to be harmless but listen to her...she never had a friend like you, you boost her ego...why? I tell you it is not because you choose great places to go for lunch. These situations have a way of creeping up on people for example...husband/wife having rough day...wish they understood me like the lunch buddy, wish things were as smooth with my spouse as they are with the lunch buddy, wish my spouse boosted my ego like my lunch buddy. It is just a problem waiting to happen...Start packing a lunch it will save you money and heartache.

My wife knows I know this woman and I met her husband this weekend when I saw them at the coffee shop. I stopped and talked with them. I have not told my wife that I have gone to lunch. I am not sure if the woman I work with has told her husband.
We have not talked about anything except work pretty much. She has a child and is happy in her marriage because she has pictures of her husband and her child on her desk.
People see us from work going to lunch and we are not hiding anything.

You asked for advice from people who have been burnt bad...all of my husbands affairs were coworkers or employees of his. My pic sits on his desk. In fact several pics. Everyone at work knew they had lunches etc. Everyone at work/church/social settings sees us as the happy couple. I met all of his liasons.He was not hiding anything but it was the stepping stone to have a connection with a female companion, a break from the office eventually became a break from the marriage. It is just playing with fire. The other person is not always the monster we hope they are. Generally it is just that nice coworker they had lunch with one day.

Know what? I had pictures of my son and husband on my desk, but I still had an affair with the man who was my lunch buddy and good friend.

I suggest you talk to your wife about this. Ask her how she feels about the lunch deals. If she has a problem I highly suggest you put your wifes desires about this "lunch friend". Simply tell your wife thank you for being honest and that you will stop the social lunches because she is important to you. If your wife has no problem with it, I would recommend that this friend of yours makes sure her husband does not either. If he does, same thing, agree to stop the lunches. Doesn't mean you have to be mean to eachother or anything, just not social outside of work. Maybe you could see if both spouses would like to join you sometime.

Sure, your not hiding anything from others at work. I never did either, but hey, if they think it's all normal it makes it easier to hide from your spouse down the line. Listen to the people here, we are talking from experience. You don't plan it, expect it, want it, but it still can happen.

Be careful, and be completely open and honest with your wife. Take care.

Thank you for information on your situation. I am not sure what to do. I know this woman has no interest in an affair or anything like that. Her husband was very nice and they have a child. My wife had just left the coffee shop or I would have introduced her to them.
The only thing that made me cautious is the ego booster comment and never a friend like you before. I commented on her hair cut one day. That is the ego booster comment.
I think I may just be really sensitive after listening to my brother. I think we are going to go to lunch this week. We alternate where I pay and then she pays. I would never have thought about this until my brothers situation came up.

Thank you for information on your situation. I am not sure what to do. I know this woman has no interest in an affair or anything like that. Her husband was very nice and they have a child. My wife had just left the coffee shop or I would have introduced her to them.
The only thing that made me cautious is the ego booster comment and never a friend like you before. I commented on her hair cut one day. That is the ego booster comment.
I think I may just be really sensitive after listening to my brother. I think we are going to go to lunch this week. We alternate where I pay and then she pays. I would never have thought about this until my brothers situation came up.

You are thinking black and white. Try to see the colors. Someone above mentioned the bad day, and comparing. It's real, those are the red, blues, and yellows in all this.

My BH and I were the perfect couple. We had the house, a beautiful child and the perfect marriage. I never in a million years thought I would ever have an affair. Then I met OM. He was working in my building. He was social, he was nice and he made me laugh. He mentioned lunch one day and I said sure. Over time it become more frequent. He complimented me (out of innocence) and we shared many things about our lives. Past childhood, present marriage. We had so much in common - he was marriage and had a son the same age as mine. We both had two dogs, etc. So, we were the perfect friends. Until the bad day at home, and the thoughts of why it can be more fun like with OM.

Sure, you would never have thought of it unless your brother was going through what he is, but I never would have thought of it either. Hell, it took me a long time before I even admitted to myself that I was in too deep. Before we knew it, bam, we were over our heads in color.

I urge you to talk to your wife about this. See what she thinks about its appropriateness. Hey, it could stay and always be nothing, but she deserves to have the inside seat on it. My husband knew I talked to this man, but he never knew we went to lunch.

Be ever so careful. Please don't put blinders on. Please listen to what is being said here. We care, we really do. Anyone here will tell you they wouldn't want another person to go through this hell. I pray it stays platonic, but step ever so carefully.

cautious,

you know I had the same attitude with "lunch" or even "drinking" buddies of my H's b4 his EA. I never had any problems with it because I trusted him 100%. "Just friends" is a familiar refrain ..read about it on the board. I think this is a boundary issue.

A good gauge is would your behaviour/conversation be exactly the same if your wife was present?

Another is, as mentioned, does your wife know and about what has transpired between you and your friend? btw anything about your marriage beyond " I love my wife and family dearly" and "we're doing great" is to me inappropriate behaviour with opposite sex friends. If you have an issue in your marriage, discuss it with your wife, not with anyone else that your wife has not consented to have this information.

Think about it... if you were not troubled by it why did you write here? Put your energies into making your marriage sparkle.

It's good that you are cautious and have come here to discuss it b4 anything untoward may develop. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

cautious,

Put your guard up ... this is a seed for EA. The only one should fullfill your ENs is your wife and her ENs is her husband's. Just to think about ... if you don't have lunch w/ her tommorow or when you don't have it with her ... do you miss it or does she miss it ?. You know what to do if the answer is yes. The A happens b/c we fails to protect & guard our EN being meet by someone else than our spouse.

If you enjoy opposite sex for lunch ... why not arrange so that your W have lunch w/ you every day. I saw a coworker that have lunch w/ his wife every day ... I could see sparkle of love in their eyes when they talk about each other.

-RH-

You mentioned "ego booster" comments she made to you. I take that to mean that you enjoyed the compliment. Have you read "His Needs, Her Needs"? Basically it says that the person who meets your emotional needs the best will be the one who fills your love bank account. This "ego boost" comment is a clue to one of your emotional needs - maybe a need for admiration? With a little information, encouragement and practice, you and wife can become experts at meeting each other's top emotional needs! If you need admiration, that is okay. Your wife can learn to meet that need for you. When she does, you will feel passion for her. And this works in reverse as well. Once you meet your wife's top emotional needs, she will be passionate about you. The key is identifying what those needs are for you, and PRACTICING them. Rarely are they the same for husband and wife. The Harley's book "His Needs, Her Needs" will outline these, and help you through this process.

The bottom line - if you feel passionate about your wife, she is meeting your top emotional needs, and you won't need to find that fulfillment elsewhere. Both partners can do this. You can jump start this yourself if she doesn't agree. You may be meeting her needs well, but she is not meeting yours. A way to address this is discussed in the book.

The fact that you posted your question here leads me to think you already know the answer. In your heart, if you have any doubt, you are already doing the wrong thing. So before you put yourself through that pain, read all you can on this website, and try some of the principles to maintain healthy relationships. It could save you profound pain. Best wishes....

Not trying to judge. But a word of warning that's how the A started with my H lunch. Why put yourself in a place that will cause heartache once things go to far there is no taking it back!! im no expert but if you want to have company for lunch call your W may make a difference to you both. hind site is 2020

I am totally confused now. I come home and listen to my brother talk about his divorce and meeting with the attorney. I know I am seeing everything through his eyes. Then I read stuff on here and think I am doing something that could lead to trouble. But maybe it is just being really sensitive.
The woman who I have gone to lunch with is very happy in her marriage. Her husband calls her at work. I know that. She is not the flirty type of woman.
I have known her from work for about two years. I would say hello to her and we would talk. Then a month ago I said we should go to lunch. That is how it started. We don't talk about marriages or bad things at home. Just talk about work or what feel about work.
She said me a message saying that our frienship entered a new stage. I said it did because we had never had lunches before. I siad that was good. She said she was glad I liked that because then she did not feel selfish.
I read things on here and think it is a warning. M brothers situation is a real mess.

Maybe it's because of my own pain or maybe it's because im a woman. But it sounds to me you are looking for trouble please take it from an innocent lunch. cut it out before you go where you are thinking rather you admit it to yourself or not. You are going down the wrong path. Talk to your W now. I see you going where my H went and as innocent as it seems now you know deep down if you continue it want stay that way. Call your W and have lunch.

Well, just to let you know...all affairs start with "just talking." But pretty soon you starting saying things that should be between you and your spouse only. It doesn't matter that you are both married, that makes it worse.

My H's affair was also with a co-worker and was just 'friends.' Well, she ended up in MY bed. I guess maybe that's a more convenient place to talk? Sorry for the sarcasm, you can see I'm still in pain. The OW was my former best friend.

Please don't go there. It's not worth it!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cautious:
<strong> But maybe it is just being really sensitive.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe. And maybe you're learning something about human nature that you've never thought of before.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The woman who I have gone to lunch with is very happy in her marriage. Her husband calls her at work. I know that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Most people who have affairs are happy in their marriages before the affair. They don't go out looking for someone else. They don't go out to find someone to fall in love with. It happens because people who thought they'd never find themselves in this position, do or say things to build up those lovebank balances and very gradually this OP's lovebank starts to look better in comparison to their spouse's.

You don't have to have a bad marriage for this to happen, just one that isn't meeting all your EN. Someone else makes you feel good in ways that your spouse doesn't, and you start to look at them differently. And that's the point when you start to look at your marriage differently, and suddenly that good marriage you had before, the one you were happy with, doesn't look so good, and you're not as happy with it as you were.

I'm not saying that's what's going to happen in this case. I'm saying it happens. It happens to good people with good marriages and all the best of intentions. So maybe you're right to be cautious.

It's not wrong to have friends of the opposite sex, but remember as innocent as it seems right now, there really aren't any huge, honking, warning signs that you're about to get in over your head, so you have to be paying attention. Be, well, cautious. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Mere

Now I feel paralyzed and not sure what to do. This woman and I have talked in the halls or she has come to my desk or mine to her for two years. This has all been in the open. There was never any flirting. It was just this lunch that seemed to make something differnent. We have had lunch three times and will go again this week. She pays and then I pay.
There has never been any talk about feelings or holding hands. She is married and happy. I am married and happy.
But reading the stuff on here kind of scres me. I feel like we are office friends and I would introudce her to my wife. I have met her husband. So we are not hiding anything.
Do I just say no more lunch. That seems kind of overreacting. Nothing has happened and that makes me look strange.
I dont know what to do.
Maybe just being aware of the potential for toruble is enough to make sure it just stays going to lunch

Cautious,

You must stop going to lunch with that woman NOW! If you don't, she will soon be the OW.

You said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She is married and happy. I am married and happy. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you want to keep it that way, you have no choise but to stop the lunches. Period. I am a nice guy, my wife was happy. Then a 'lunch buddy' changed the way she looked at the world. They were 'just friends.' They didn't 'mean' for anything to happen. 'It just happened.' Our marriage may or may not survive what 'happened.'

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
But reading the stuff on here kind of scres me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It should! We have *ALL* been where you are now, or are married to someone who has. We know exactly what is going on there, even if you do not. You have never had this happen to you. WE HAVE!!! LISTEN TO US!!! Stop going to lunch with that woman before it is too late!!!!

Good luck!!

ST

Hello Cautious,

It is good that you have come here. I can understand your confusion. You think this is innocent and in both of your minds it is. It is just lunch and conversation right? Well, ask yourself this.

Would I miss this lunch and the conversation with this woman? If the answer is yes, then you my man have a problem. If it is no, then you can stop now, tell your W about the lunches, and find someone else to go to lunch with.

You see it is obvious to the people here that your friend is meeting needs for you. You can talk and share things. She tells you how much you help her ego, which helps yours. She is clearly doing something for you that your W probably can but is not. Perhaps it is just the hour to discuss things, that you don't get at home. Perhaps it is the appreciation she shows you for you listening to her, that your W doesn't give you when you listen to her.

Cautious, there are some big clues here and you need to see them. You need to talk long and hard with yourself, and then your W. This particular woman is not out to harm her marriage or yours, and neither are you, BUT the fact that you are sensitive to this is a clue that she has touched something in you or you wouldn't be passively arguing with the people here about this.

Do you see what I mean? Go back and look at the question I asked you earlier and answer it honestly. Cautious, you were built and designed to respond to women, all of us guys are. You will respond to her if she is nice, and meeting your needs. No problem except your are married and your W is supposed to be doing this. That is why Harley cautions against opposite sex friendships. I cannot tell you how many WS's and BS's have come here where an affair has occured between members of a couple who where very close friends and all of them did things together.

I am not saying never speak to a woman, I am saying a two year friendship and weekly lunches is walking a thin line. Your reluctance to hear the people here is suggestive that you are already closer to the slippery slope than you realize.

Hope something I have said helps.

God Bless,

JL