I made the decision to give up and move on. WW is unable to make a decision to work on our M. I am going to have a final talk with my W on wednesday.

My goal is to let her know that I tried my best and I believe permanent separation is best for us and that I love you - Im not in-love with you...

I want to do this b.c. I have realized I need to make myself happy and I no longer want to deal with my WW's confused state of mind thats been causing my pain.

I would love to hear anyone with comments on how to let my WW know of this. I want to be gentle and loving. By no means am I trying to manipulate her or to shake her off the fence, I am really ready to move on. I refuse to remain in my M based on fear.

No longer Have to be patient... been patient long enough.

are you totally giving up?

Have you thought about writing a Plan B letter instead, this may help you focus your thoughts on what exactly you want and need to say instead of doing it in person.

"I would love to hear anyone with comments on how to let my WW know of this. I want
to be gentle and loving. By no means am I trying to manipulate her or to shake her off
the fence, I am really ready to move on. I refuse to remain in my M based on fear."

Why don't you write her a letter and tell her that you have decided to move on without her but that you will always be her friend and that you hope that she will have a happy life etc.etc.

gc,

I did a 180 for 3 months and my instincts told me it wasn't working or I wasn't patient enough. Plan-B would not work for my W;she will simply see it as manipulation, I know her. Filing would eliminate any idea of any bluff.

The thingy of it is Im very ready to move on....Im not proud of it but that is how I feel. I haven't felt better since d-day. My whole world changed 6 months ago and now I have adjusted to the changes. Sure it still hurts but it doesnt hurt as much and as often.

Tom,

Whats the difference of doing it in person. After all, I would like to still consider my W a friend. Ya, I forgive her. How can I deprive her as a human being the right to pursue what she perceives as 'happiness'. Whether good or bad in my eyes is irrelevant. Its her choice, its her life, its her consequences for her actions.

She made her choice and now I got to look in the mirror and make mines. no finger pointing otherwise Im in for a long nite.

No longer have the patience...I asked myself a hundred x over if I am being a quitter, I can answer n. Its time to cut my losses. Make not mistake about it, its not easy.

bump ^^^^

Well all,

I had the talk with WW. I told her I did a self check and that I would file for perm. separation. No figure pointing. WW had tears in her eyes and she went to the ladies room. She came out and said that she understood and that I should know her that she will not 'get in my way'. I told her I do not feel as though I know her now. I don't know her. WW told me we can still go dinner together, etc.

It was very difficult for me. In a way, I can feel that my WW is very hurt inside, yet relieved that I told her.

It was even more harder telling the children. I told them individually. My 12yo D told me that she expected it. My 15yo S did not say anything but had tears. I can sense he is hurt and angry, not at me but angry about the situation. I going to tell my 4 yo tommorrow night.

For me, I am feeling very sad. However, I know I am doing the right thing. If WW feels there are no real consequences to her actions, she will just bury herself deeper and deeper into her A. Now WW will have no choice but to see the OM in true life and if they can be with each other. I am ready for any outcome.

I am at work now. I need some hugs from my MB family. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I need some hugs from my MB family. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You got it (((((((H2BP))))))).

Don't become a stranger.

HAVE_2_B_PaTiEnT,

I 'll call you later ... I am going to a meeting now. {{{{((((HUG))))}}}}. When they are in addiction to their fantasy and won't let it go, this maybe be the best course of action ... to protect your self and to protect your feeling for her so that at least you could have "good" relationship in whic you need it for co-parenting. Talk to you later. -RH-

I just talked to Redhat on the phone, he made me feel better....however, I am constantly hold back my tears (im at work). I will break down once I get home. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Am I grieving?

H2BP,

I'm almost where you are at, except I don't have the kids to deal with. There's a big wall between me and the WW and she refuses to chop away at it. I don't know if there's another OM involved now or not, and I really don't care. I'm pretty much ready to go thru my DV in 3 weeks without any regrets b/c I know I tried my best to be a husband to her and she rejected ME. She wants to be friends with me, but IMHO, friends don't betray and abandon one another, so that's a bunch of BS.

Nasa,

I am sorry to hear that. Did you file or did your WW? I am grieving big time, but Im told all this is normal and that I should 'process' these feelings. It took me over 6 months to realize I need to love myself more than I love my WW. I'm almost there. Now I don't feel completely empty, just half empty. And when Im ready, hopefully god will give me the opportunity to be filled again. I guess I have to have faith that everything will fall in place.

I filed b/c she wasn't leaving me any options. She wouldn't go to counselling, had no interest in showing any affection for me, didn't even want to talk or be around me, etc, etc. She thinks that she's just "not in love with me and we're better friends than lovers." It's BS, but I've decided not to put my life on hold b/c she's screwed up. I'm more faithful than ever and it's that faith that's helped me to get thru this ordeal. I know that He has a plan for me and it's not always what I envision it to be. Things happen for a reason and we may never know what they are. Just know that if this didn't happen, the next wonderful thing in your life might not have happened. That's the way I look at it. This isn't the first time I've had my world rocked, so I'm sure I'll survive (lost a job in 1998). I'm feeling the same pain you are, and don't think that I'm not hurting anymore. I still think about her every second, but it's starting to feel different. I am in love with an image of how I wanted her to be and not how she really is. I understand that now, and it's making it easier to accept just moving on and starting a new life.

Keep the faith and your head up,

NK

Nasa,

Thanks for sharing that with me. Reading your last post gave me a 'lift'. Everything you wrote is so true. If I can ask you a couple of questions - what was your WW reaction to the D? Did anything change in regards to her behavior? and how do you feel , before & after filing?

Im just trying to get an idea what to expect, if I should increase my ATD dosage...

My wife wanted the DV since the beginning. She was convinced since the day she said "I don't love you" that that's what was right in her mind. After filing, she and I both didn't change any. It was just another day and something that we agreed to do. We were both tired of living like we were in limbo and she didn't take any steps to change herself. She even signed a waiver form to where I didn't have to serve her in person and she doesn't even have to show up in court. No contest. I felt relieved in a way after filing b/c I knew that it was in my hands now and she couldn't use any manipulation to stop it. I was advised to file first so that I control the actions, and it's been the best decision I've made so far. I didn't want her getting any ideas on how to take me to the cleaners, too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Now, be warned - if a spouse is not wanting or expecting the other spouse to file, there can be bad reactions. It can go either way. By that, I mean the WS could "wake up" with a reality check or they could go into "super psycho" mode and get really nasty. I got the feeling that my WW would do neither and just go along with what I did. I was right.

Feel free to talk to me anytime on here and ask whatever you want. You can email me at nasakidd@aol.com (2 d's) if you want to discuss more personal stuff.

-NK

Thanks Nasa for the offer, I'll email ya. My WW was not ready for divorce nor was she ready for reconciliation. I planned A for 6 months, also used that time to find the best co-parenting approach. Deep down, I still love my WW. That is another reason why I am taking myself out of the picture, so she do not have to make any decisions. I am making it easier for her. All I really want is for all of us to be happy.

I filed for the big D today around 20 minutes ago.

My WW may not be in the fog anymore. She called this morning and asked if I had filed yet. I am pretty sure OM2 is pressuring.

I filed b.c. my gut tells me that WW plan to relocate the children out of state with OM2 where he resides. All the way across the country. I dont have any evidence but since OM2's primary residence is out of state, I have to see that as a possibility.

I am feeling pretty sad right now. At this point, its not an effort to get my W back - its an effort to protect myself. I know this is a marriage builders board, but not all M can be saved. I felt I have done all I can, but I am still fearful of the unknown.

I wish everyone well, thanks for taking the time to read my post.

Can I get a
(((((((((group))))))))))

H2bP

Dear Have2,
Hold on to your britches cause this post is going to be harsh...

Do not for one seconed agree to any type of divorce decrees that allow you wife to move your children AWAY from you and in with any other man...

I am no divorce expert but the day someone else parents my children even if I am no longer living in the home ...is the day they are burying me six feet under...

This is not an attack but a wake up call to not let your WW and and anyone else convince you in their fog induced...'it's makes us happy and will there for make the children happy" garbage that divorcing and moving will not have a huge effect on your children, their emotions and their universe...

I am a strong strong advocate that no new partners...even casual dates should even be introduced into childrens worlds till a minimum of a year after a divorce...children need that much time to process, adjust, and grieve, and dumping more into the process of divorce is not right....

Do not roll over...find support groups NOW for fathers of divorce. NOW NOW NOW

Please protect your children do not let her take them accross the country...do not give green lights to him being in there lives...fight for there sake...

ARK

{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}

My heart and prayers are with you.

And what Arc said...

"Do not for one seconed agree to any type of divorce decrees that allow you wife to move your children AWAY from you and in with any other man..."

I second that! Fight for your kids...they need you.