I know it's the middle of the night for most of you, but I hope someone is up who can help me.<P>My H went out "with the guys" for one last time on Saturday night (we're moving out of the country), called me Sunday noon and midnight to let me know he wouldn't be home until this morning. For details, please see my posts under "Photographs of H and OW". <P>He was supposed to be home early this morning so we could leave on a trip together. He's not home yet, so I just called his friend's house where he was supposed to be staying and an unsuspecting housemate told me that his friend (who he said he was with last night) went yesterday to the city where OW lives and has not yet returned. <P>H keeps telling me that he wants our marriage, and that he hasn't seen OW since discovery about 6 weeks ago. But this obviously isn't true. How do I deal with these constant lies?<BR>

Hi H and C <P>I'm in Europe too, so I guess I'm on your time <P>I'm sorry for all you're going through, and I know exactly how you feel. Is there any chance that what your husband is doing is above board? Please try to give him the benefit of the doubt if you can.<P>When he comes home, whatever you do, don't lovebust. Just ask him respectfully why he is late, and try to take his answer calmly. Maybe you can get a discussion going from there. Yelling at him (yeah, that'd be my first impulse too!) is not going to get you anywhere. I did that for months and it made things a lot worse. You have to be the "big" one now, and set a good example and make a safe place for him to share with you.<P>I know that sounds like a lot of jargon, but it just might work to get him to open up, and save you a lot of wrangling. Are you in Plan A yet? If not, read the principles here and try to get that going. It helps immensely!<P>Good luck H and C! I wish you great strength in dealing with this. <BR>

I'm so glad there's someone else here in Europe! By the way, do you know anything about German views on affairs (OW is from Germany). Anyway - that's off topic for now.<P>He lied to me about where he would be all day yesterday when he was actually in OW's city, and lied to me about where he would be overnight. Even if he does have an "innocent" explanation, how can I believe it?<P>Don't worry, I won't yell at him - that's not my style. But I love him so much that it usually gets in the way of discerning truth from lies. I can't help but believe him when he reassures me in person. It's when he's gone (as he's been gone for the last 48 hours) that I think my eyes open to what he's really doing.<P>I haven't been "in" Plan A because I didn't realize that he was still seeing OW. But he assures me that I meet all his needs - except my weight. I can't do anything about that now, as I am 8 months pregnant. But I was working on it and showing slow but steady progress before the affair.<P>Is confronting him and insisting that he tell me the truth a LB? It seems that nothing can be done until things are at least truthful between us.<BR>

Hi again!<P>I'm not in Germany but I know quite a few Germans, and from what I can surmise, they don't think affairs are okay. But then again, neither do most Americans -- and most of the OPs on this board are American! So I think it's something that's up to individual morals ;-)<P>I know what you mean about taking their lies as truth, when faced with them. I do that too, even though I'm sure he's lying when he's not here and I sit and think about it.<P>I agree that you have to try to get the truth. I'm not the best person to ask about this, since I just yelled, screamed and snuck around the get the truth when my questions didn't work. I've since become better at it, and try to explain to him that not knowing is much worse, and ask him respectfully to help me make sense of things -- all the while creating a "safe place" for him to open up. It's hard as hell when you're upset and feel like the wronged one, but I think necessary. Accusations only bring up their defenses and they stop hearing you.<P>About the weight thing...that's ridiculous. You're pregnant, so how can you lose weight? It's not very respectful of him to ask this of you, but then again, at least he was being honest about his needs. I don't know, I'm trying to see the positive side here!<P>Try to stay calm and just ask him where he was. Don't bring up the OW immediately. If he lies, tell him that you called the friend and was informed that he was not with the friend, but in the other city. Then see what he says, and take it from there. Above all, stay calm, and thank him for his honesty.<P>That's about all I can think of. It's a terrible spot to be in, I know.<P>Was just thinking..you wouldn't happen to have ICQ would you?

Thanks again for your insight. I think I've been pretty good so far about discussing things calmly. In fact, the more serious it is, the more calmly I've reacted. When I first confronted H about the affair almost 6 weeks ago, I didn't even cry until at least an hour into the discussion. Not bad for a pregnant woman! <P>I guess all I can do now is wait for him to get home. He's already almost 2-1/2 hours later than he told me. I think it's the waiting more than anything that kills me, not knowing when he'll get here. I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. At least he's coming home during the day this time, instead of late at night, so he can't claim that he's too tired to discuss this.

H just called - I'm meeting him outside in 5 mins to leave on our trip. I'll let you know how everything turned out when I get back Wed night.<P>Thanks again for your advice.

I am so sorry I caught this so late...<P>I would have suggested you "not be there" when he calls or turns up... it seems he is quite relaxed in knowing you are ALWAYS going to be where he wants you WHEN he wants you...<P>Obviously he feels he can go out for days on end with his friends, forget about you, leave you at home and then call you as late as he feels like and you will be ready to jump to attention....<P>had I got this early I would suggest going to the airport on your own... have HIM worry for a while and if he asks or gets upset say you couldn't be bothered waiting for HIM to make his mind up.<P>But now it seems again he has exactly what he wanted... he got to go to another country, ignore his wife in another country, [censored] another woman to his hearts content and then come back to you and have you waiting there for him like a good little wife... I am sure he is over the moon to have his cake and eat it any time he likes.<P>I'm sorry... but sometimes it needs a bit of a harsh shove to get through to some people... you are being a door mat <P>I have been there and one secret I keep to myself is to NEVER let my partner know I am an easy walkover otherwise I would STILL be where you are now.