What do you when you feel everything is just gone? What do you when you feel that you've lost the battle? I'm going through the motions. The last several days have been so much worse. Why am I back to feeling so much pain? Is it realizing that things are not going to change?

Can anyone help me to get through this? I really believed I was past these feelings but I"m not. It's all starting to become too much again. As if this is much bigger than I can humanly handle.

Is this normal? The tears are starting again. So very badly.

I guess it's because my H's aunt called him from Italy on his cell phone. She's a nun and she just found out. H said to me that she was actually understanding about "these things". I didn't respond but just needed to talk to her, to let her know that I wanted to save my marriage, that I needed her prayers, that this isn't what I want. Is this crazy?

T,

Yes it is normal!!! I thought that I was all over it, and then something triggers the emotions and I start the pity party all over again!!!

It's part of the roller coaster!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Aw Terri...

If you didn't get upset, you wouldn't be normal. You live with uncertainty, unpleasantness and a situation you don't want. You are a sensitive, loving person, of course you cry.

My prayer partner hooked me up with 2 older women she called "praying granny ladies". I never even met them, one lived in FL, one was housebound a couple hours away, I'd call, they'd pray with me. A nun who knows your H, who will pray, sounds good to me. Even if your H says she's "understanding" she also "understands" he is unremorsefully breaking God's covenant.

I don't remember, are you on anti-depressants? There came a time, when I couldn't manage the anxiety & despair with exercise, prayer, counseling, MB. I went on Paxil for a couple months, then Zoloft for a total of 6 months. I actually went off anti-deps 2 months before H & I reconciled, I just needed that extra chemical boost in the second year of the bad times. I'd go back on them if I ever felt like I felt.

At this time I manage stress & anxiety with exercise, at least 4 x week, gym with lifting weights 2-3 X, walking 2 1/2 mi the other days. I feel that natural serotonin boost. I get cranky & less able to cope if I skip a week.

Remember, all things in balance, or as much balance as you can manage.

Lor, Thanks for your reply. Had to print it out and keep it in my purse to get me through the day.

My H had supper with my mother and D yesterday. Then he drove her home and called me from his cell phone telling me that he was going to Canadian Tire to buy prizes for a golf tournament, etc.. Then he called me again to ask me about pickup for Friday because he was trying to schedule a haircut for the morning.

Do you think the guy misses ME or just having someone to tell things?? Okay, just wishful thinking.

I'm going to contact the nun and possibly have her act as my prayer partner. Great idea.

You seem so calm in your responses now. I guess I forget that you lived it and recovered but the LIVED part was just as painful for you.

I'm not on anti'D's now. I was but stopped. I think I have to go on them once again. I'm feeling overwhelmed again and really can't share this with anyone but MB because everyone else would prefer I was dancing up a storm.

Your exercise schedule sounds amazing! Out of curiosity, when did you start your routine?
I have to get motivated to pick something up again. I have a gym membership which I haven't used. I have a kickboxing membership which remains unused. I'm a mess, aren't I?

Terri,
I'm honored I can help you, thank you for telling me that. For me, it's the pay it forward kind of thing. I owe FaithHopeLove, Trustintruth, Terri (that was her whole name), Samantha (and so many more) my MBers who posted to me to call me out of my wilderness. So, no, I wasn't always calm, but I am a much calmer person even in real life than I was.

I started exercising in 10/99 during the first separation, I've stopped & started many times since then. I ignored my Y membership, but I walked most of the winter this year, then June 1 added the weightlifting because we're going to Florida mid-Sept and I wanted to look better on the beach. Not sure I've accomplished what I wanted, but it has to be better after 3 months!

Exercising sounds like a great idea. I think I will try it...I need an outlet...it will calm me, and help keep me in shape as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I feel pretty lost myself right now, too...we have both been having a lot of stress...and this morning I told him I needed to be held for a minute, and he flat-out refused! Sometimes he is loving and caring, and other times his attitude is that I should "deal with it and grow up." Can't deal with him being Jekyll & Hyde. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

(Now he just called from work and apologized...AAAAARRRGGGHHHHHH!)

Hi Terrified,
So sorry about your bad times, but just wanted to add a big thumbs up for exercise. It really helps and weight training is great, I used to body-build and compete a little and there is nothing like a little muscle to help burn fat and give you a feeling of strength and confidence. I walk too and that really helps I think about things and talk to myself and God. Yes I carry on actual conversations. Maybe I'm nuts, but it helps. I usually feel much better after these convesations.

Anyway good luck to you and I hope things get better. I had a real down-turn about a week ago and I was thinking the same things you are saying. But I seem to have pulled out a bit. I guess its just part of the process.

Best to you,
S-

(((((((Terrified)))))))))))- Hi, How are you today honey? I am so sorry you are still hurting, I know. I know.

I started a group at my church last week and have been twice for seperated and divorced... etc. it is awesome... called divorcecare, they even have their materials on the web. God does help you heal, as Lor mentions above... prayer does help.

I learned this more last nite in the divorcecare class- ck out www.divorcecare.com

Last nite there was a little card for the week's lesson that reads...

But those who hope in the Lrd will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be fait. Isaiah 40:31

Last weeks reading- card for the week to put in your purse.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

I have read in another workbook ... for women on restoreministries .com to put these strength building verses on index cards in your purse and pull them out and remind yourself what God has in store for you, and that he is with you, etc. (my words)- but they are strength on an index card in my purse.. and reading them throughout the day can help a lot.

I only have the ones from my book that punched out so far in y purse, well out on my desk now!

They are hope in my pocket. I strongly reccomend this program.. they encourage reconciliation.. and there are people at church who told me that they reconciled after being in the class... well not totally from it, but it helps you be more who you should be... stronger, less hopeless , in order to be able to put it together.

Last nite, they were talking about how 2 become one in a marriage, and so the seperation is like becoming half a person. You are literally torn apart. You are broken. It is hard to put things back and part of you is with your spouse and part of him is with you. They sd it is like a web, spider web... (one well meaning friend of mine last nite sd.. well cant spiders repair their webs? Well , yes... but.. it is still torn and broken.. longer in this analogy.)

Very hard to break yourself in two.

You will survive, at work, so gotta go.

Hugs, H