I'm sitting here in my office completely baffled over my current experience. I have nowhere else to turn and I ask for someone’s advised.

A brief history: My fiancé and I have been together almost nine years and in 2003 we were finally planning our wedding, just the two of us in Spain. Then the unfortunate, about a month ago I started to suspect something wasn't right. That gut feeling telling me there was something brewing that wasn't usual. You see "this A is GREATLY my fault" about 2 years ago my sex drive was down to nothing. I thought this was normal, but my fiancé has always had a high sex drive and constantly asked and begged for our sex life to change. I being so arrogant thought nothing about his feeling and that act led to where I am today.

Then D-Day about two weeks ago, at the same time I found this web site. I tried from the beginning to act in the most supportive, loving and sexual way imaginable. He has stated "We've had more sex in two weeks than in two years", but he believes this is all an act to regain his love! I have not argued and have had no outburst; I’ve tried being everything to be the person he fell in love with. We've tried spending time together, but last night "A BOMB DROPPED” he said he doesn't know why he isn't fighting for this relationship? Why he doesn't send me flowers or special notes? He says he is very confused. At times I think he is he might be seeing this OW and at times I think it’s over. What do I do?

Did I do wrong by not making a big deal of his affair? By not storming out, or throwing him out? By not making him work for our love?

He says he loves me more than life itself, but he feels we may need some distance to regain what we once had. That's sounds crazy, I wasn't the one who had the A and I am being punished. He should be begging me for forgiveness! He should be chasing ME! But of course I’ve made it easy, when he sees I am so willing to forgive and forget!
Please help, I don't know what else to do <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ September 10, 2002, 12:11 PM: Message edited by: Lost & Hopeless ]</small>

L&H:

"He says he loves me more than life itself, but he feels we may need some distance to regain what we once had. That's sounds crazy, I wasn't the one who had the A and I am being punished. He should be begging me for forgiveness! He should be chasing ME! But of course I’ve made it easy, when he sees I am so willing to forgive and forget!
Please help, I don't know what else to do"

He probably does love you. He's still fresh out of his A (assuming it's over), though, so he will be confused. I never was one 2 believe that "distance" or "space" did anything but enable 2 people with problems 2 grow apart, particularly at this point in time (there may come a time when "plan B" would be the right thing for you 2 do, but that time isn't now).

I know exactly how you feel about being "punished" for his A. That's how I often felt about my W's A since D-day in January. You both need 2 remember that, for him, this is "old news" because he's lived it, but for you it's a very fresh wound, because you just found out. That makes your perspectives very different and also complicates getting back on a solid footing.

Read all you can about plan A. It will take a while 2 get "accustomed" 2 plan A behavior, but it is the best thing going for you. In time, perhaps in a few months, your self-confidence will improve 2 the point that you won't love bust (LB), and you won't be so affected by his LBs 2 you. He'll see the changes in you and want to see MORE of them! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Last, but certainly not least, you should get good counseling, both of you 2gether, as well as individually. I am amazed at how much I've learned through counseling and by reading from this site and the many books on the subject (that you will find recommendations for all over this forum).

Take care. You WILL survive this! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ September 10, 2002, 09:53 AM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

2Long,

Thank you for your reply, it's comforting to know that someone understands and cares enough to write thier feeling and thoughts to assist me through this horrible time. I've cried <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> so much that it's hard for me to imagine this getting through this together.

Again, thank you and I sincerely hope things continue well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> for you!

Dear Lost,
I am sorry for your pain. i have been married for about 11 years. In year 10 My H had and A (sounds so easy doesn't it. ) i felt like i was going to die. However, i did like you did and didn't make a big deal about it. And during the last year i have only talked about it 3 or 4 times. I feel like i did not give enough value to fidelity. I feel like i let him off to easy. consequently, i am now angry. I feel like the affair is on going.( no consequences for his actions) and now he doesn't understand why im so upset. Do what you must but tell the truth. It has hurt you and your relationship. I know it may be LBing all over the place. But you must at least make this an issue so that you never have to address it again.
I also did like you. Jumped right into bed **** did what i could to improve the relationship. I don't feel like it has been appreciated. Of course. i feel like my h's a is ongoing, even though he says it is not. I don't know how or what to do but i am telling you don't do what i have done. Don't enable it, don't sweep it under the rug, Stand up for you. Way easier said than done, I KNOW Lots of hugs

notagain2002,

I feel so desperate, last night he asked me to move out, he said it's the best thing for both of us! My god, those words hurt like daggers. He said, "he doesn't believe we can work this out", I got angry and replied "What you are asking for is to have space so this A of yours can develop"? I felt stupid and small and very ashamed that I could want someone who doesn't want me. I don't know what to believe, one minute he is telling me, "I am the woman of his dreams" and then with that same breathe he is asking me to find my own place. Why? MB didn't prepare me for plan B so soon, and a Plan B when the WS requests it unknowingly! What do I do? How do I react? I feel really hopeless!!!!!!!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

L&H:

Why doesn't HE offer 2 move out?? You shouldn't have 2.

I'm betting his A is still going on. What he says 2 you will not make any sense during this time, and he will be intensely hurtful even when he doesn't mean 2 be.

Consider anti depressants. They've helped me tremendously during plan A. It will take you a few months 2 get a good plan A in place, but you WILL get there, and you WILL survive this!

2long,

As the manager of a luxury community it is easier for me to move to one of my apartment homes than for him to find a new place. In addition, he's offered to refurnish my new apartment and with that same breath makes a statement "What if we get back together, what will we do with the new furnishing?" What, is he out of his mind!! How does plan A work when we are apart?

I still have this stupid hope in my heart, this hope he will come to his senses and ask me not to leave him! We have no children, no property, NOTHING! Just 9 years together, how can I compete with the new butterflies, new passion, and the new infatuation he feels? I need counseling, don't I?

God I just want this to end, to be able to breathe. Thank you for letting me share this horrible pain I'm now living with.

Hello Lost & Hopeless -- I agree with 2long, why do you need to be the one to move out?

Also, even if you do have to move out and you are physically separated that does NOT mean that you are in plan B necessarily. You can do plan A while living apart. It is hard. I have been in plan A while physically separated since the end of January. My life has improved. The first few months were very hard, but as I've worked on bringing things back in my life that are important to me and focus less on what he is or isn't doing, I was able to do a better plan A.

Does he own the home you are living in or do you jointly own it? If you are renting and share the rent, you should see if he could be the one to move out/his A should not drive you out. Without being disrespectful, the next time he raises this/appears to state that he is determined to separate, I would ask him if he could be the one to move out.

If he does move out or you do, I would give him some space for a few days and then get in touch by phone or email and invite him to do something that the two of you enjoy but no relationship talks initiated by you.

Unsureheart;

How do you still operate Plan A, when there is no reason to see or talk to each other? Like I mentioned before there are no children, no property, nothing that will maintain this relationship together, other than the love that once existed.
If he says "it's over", what reason would I have to contact him?
That's why I am so devastated of moving out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

L&H:

"How do you still operate Plan A, when there is no reason to see or talk to each other? Like I mentioned before there are no children, no property, nothing that will maintain this relationship together, other than the love that once existed."

And that's the point. I think he still loves you, but he has 2 justify his behavior by separating and maybe by telling you he doesn't.

"If he says "it's over", what reason would I have to contact him? "

Well, maybe because YOU love HIM, in spite of what he's doing.

Take care,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lost & Hopeless:
<strong>You see "this A is GREATLY my fault" about 2 years ago my sex drive was down to nothing. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry, but there is NO EXCUSE for having an affair. There are lots of things one can do, instead of having an affair...talking...counseling...leaving. It is NOT YOUR FAULT!!

I don't know what to say, except that he should be the one to move. Yes, even if it is inconvenient, and even if it is easier for you to have another apartment. If he wants to separate, he should deal with the consequences.

I am sorry for your situation. I find this website to be both a curse and a blessing...it sucks that sooo many people have to deal with an A, more than I ever dreamed possible...but it's good that we have others to get support and info from.

Straycat,

Why do "you" think this sight is a curse?

The reason I ask is I have had similar thoughts. It's great that you and your SO are working this tragedy through, but I believe that this site gives hope (I guess that's why I am here! Right!), but I think instead of hope, I should be furious and unforgiving. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother coming back here and reading everyone’s pain. And then reading how their WS treat them horribly, and we all still hold on, WHY? I feel instead of hoping that my SO’s feeling change and that he chooses me, I should do something else, ANYTHING ELSE! His feeling may become stronger towards this OW and I will be left with just my “Hopes”!

With regards to him or I moving out, I just think a brand new start, were memories are fresh, I think this will be good for me! That's why I agreed to move, to see him pick up his stuff and move out would just devastate me vs. me moving will give me something to keep me busy. Change is always hard, I've never lived alone or for that matter I’ve never taken care of myself by myself?!!!! I am both terrified and anxious of my future.

But I still cry and "HOPE" this to will pass and his fog will lift. But how can I continue to just, hope! I’m so sorry if I rambled on………., I just needed to write down what’s been tearing me up inside and with no one to talk to (none of my friends are aware of this site or it’s contents) I just needed this tonight.
Again thank you for giving me the opportunity to just “VENT”!