WW just called me at work and is pissed off at her sister in law. Here is a little background. My wife has always been very close to her brother. He is the only sibling she has. Her relationship with brother's W had never been that great, just kind of got along. But in the past few years, they have grown closer. That is until my WW's A surfaced.

I have grown to be very close to my W's brother (my BIL). We share a lot of the same interest and I consider him one of my best friends. He has told me he considers me the brother that he never had. Ever since the A surfaced and my WW moved out, I have seeked solice and advice from them.

I think that my WW thinks that they are on my side or that they are choosing me over her. I don't think that is the case, they just want to see us back together and work this out.

Anyway, to the point of WW's phone call this morning. She is pissed off at her SIL because she has been acting really *****y to WW lately. (I have to admit, I have noticed some negative tones from SIL when talking about WW). Apparently, SIL wrote WW a letter basically telling her that she needs to get off the fence, get over herself, and stop being so selfish, and work on this marriage. (I must say that these are things that I constantly think, but I have been doing a pretty good job of Plan Aing).

I want to consol my wife, but at the same time I agree with most of the things that BIL and SIL are telling her. How do I do this? Ever since my WW told me that she felt that her family is on my side and would choose me over her, I have purposly stayed away and not opened up about our problems with them. Maybe I shouldn't have done it in the first place. I too have a few issues with them. They knew of the A right after it started and didn't tell me about it. They have apologized to me about this, but my W assured them that it was over and wasn't going on anymore, so she has lied to them just as much as she has lied to me.

Anyway, I am looking for advice. I want to be there for my wife and I kind of see this as an opportunity to help her and make her see that I can be there for her. Part of me is happy that she confided in me like she used to and not someone else (like OM). I thought about calling her and asking to take her to lunch. I don't know, maybe I am looking too much into this.

Here's some advice ....

"Shut up and listen." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Let HER talk. Don't problem solve this for her. Be a willing ear ... and a source of silent support. If it appears she expects you to speak, say something that validates her feelings, without validating her behavior ... like: "I hear what you're saying. Your SIL has hurt you and you feel angry at her." Then STOP. And say, "Tell me more." Then again, validate her feelings, without validating her poor choices. Hug her. Hold her hand. Let her feel safe to pour her heart out to you.

And ... remember this .... YOU are not there to SOLVE her dilemma ... just witness it, and comfort her.

Men usually like to problem solve ... do NOT do this ... it will backfire on you.

Good luck.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ September 10, 2002, 10:41 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>