OK, my husband moved out 7-1-02 for 1 day, then begged to come home. 7-19-02 he confessed that he had been having an affair with a co-worker, but he wanted to work on marriage. However he coninued to keep clothes at the apartment and home. He was suppose to have a friend that was going to take over the lease, until then he would stay at the apartment on the weekends because he worked late and was too tired to drive home <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Well, I told him a week ago that I would not be married to a man with an apartment. He needs to be 100% committed to ME and our children. I do not think he took me seriously, because he once again stayed the night at the apartment on Friday and Saturday. Sunday I told him that he needed to just live 24/7 at the home he created for himself until he knew for sure what he wanted. Now he wants to move all his stuff out of the aparment and move home <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I am afaid that it is too soon to let him come home. He is just starting to feel life without me meeting all his needs except admiration and recreation (hard to do when you are not welcome in the same town he works in!)

Help, any and all advise would be greatly appreciated. I know he loves me, and he has been listening to SH tapes (major indicator - never had done anything to work on marriage). What he says is encouraging, however the "fog" effect left a trail of lies that makes it hard to know what to believe.

When is it too soon to trust?

JMO,

But I think that you contradicted yourself with your requests from him. You told him that you would NOT be married to a man that had an apartment and that he needed to be 100 % committed to you and your children. So, now he has decided to let go the apartment and bring all his things home and stay home. But you are upset that he is doing just that? He is doing what you told him it would take. Did you really not want him to return home? I ask because of the little "emoticon" that you used at the end of that phrase... like you were upset that he is moving back. If there is something else that you want from him besides his return to the family home, you need to speak to him before he does.

As Always, JMHO

I want him to move home, but to be home forever. I am afraid that if he does not fully realize that he wants me and his family he will move out again. (Little background, he moved out last fall for 3 months then moved home - however he continued to have an affair with this co-worker. I told him I want our marriage, I am just afraid that he will leave again. I am confussed to say the least -

Thank you for pointing out my obvious contridiction - I guess the BS can have a little
of their own "fog"!!

cops,
no problem...sometimes it is so hard to put into text what we really mean. It is never as easy as a conversation.

btw, I would want that too. That yo yo living arrangement would get old and nerve racking.

I have read most of the posts in the last 8 weeks, and it seems that even in dire relationships, people on the message board have high hopes. I am wondering if the fact that my husband is a cop means that I have less hope for a full recovery <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Anyways, I actually married a bricklayer - oops, then he had a career change.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am wondering if the fact that my husband is a
cop means that I have less hope for a full recovery </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely not. What your husband does for a living has nothing what-so-ever to do with being able to recover.

jd

I mostly lurk, but as a cop wife, had to respond. The OW, you say she is a coworker? Are you in marriage counseling?
My spouse and I have as they say "been there, done that" and we made it through. It wasn't easy though (oh the stories I could tell)
Read everything here on this site, and read Dobsons Love Must Be Tough.

I am so happy to hear that even with WH profession there is hope. He wants to come home and tells me that he knows he wants his family and that he has made many bad decisions. I want to believe he can continue to feel this way. He is listening to SH tapes and has even asked for another set. He is very receptive to the concepts and responds well when I explain my feelings calmly. I have never seen him even remotely in touch with his feelings, let alone discuss them openly.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I guess we are on our way to recover - it is just very scary, I do not want to rush into anything and blow all our progress.

Thank you to all that answered - I need a lot of encouragement, friends and family want me to go for the "D", but in my heart I know we still have a chance at the great relationship that so many successful couples on this message board have achieved!

Hi, copswife....

As a cop's wife (and former BS) I just wanted to give you some encouragement. It is SO possible to recover from infidelity, no matter what your H does for a living. The fact that cops have the tendency to "be the job" makes it a little more difficult...especially if the OP is also a cop. That was the case with us. H's OW#2 was a cop and she was "helping" him deal with our marital problems as well as crying about her own marriage.

Anyway...that's so all in the past for us. We limped along o.k. for a few years, but what really helped us achieve REAL recovery is when H finally realized that a cop isn't what he "is", it's simply what he does. Yes, it's an important job, but we are ALL important. He'd gotten caught up in the tight circle of law enforcement that excludes everyone who's not one of them <with the exception of a few badge bimbos, of course>. He didn't even realize he was doing it for a while. When he backed WAY off from that and started focusing on his REAL life (wife, kids, relationship with God, etc.) he realized that little life they had all built wasn't so great. That circle is full of adultery, lies, smoking, drinking, and partying. He didn't participate in that stuff (other than adultery and lies, of course), but he was part of it. Ya know?

I'm rambling around trying to say something important. What I'm trying to say is that your H's family MUST be more important than any aspect of his job. You MUST be his #1 priority. He must learn to protect you, not just physically, but emotionally. Everyone he works with should know you mean the world to him and that he's off limits for carryin' on.

My H stopped having lunch/hanging with that whole crowd and decided to stick with the old desk-jockies who've been there-done that already. He includes me in everything -- lunches, parties, whatever -- or he doesn't go. Period. He calls me a dozen times a day, and I know where he is and what he's doing all the time. It's a respect thing.

Be encouraged! I thought I had a good marriage most of the time, but I never knew it could be this wonderful. I smile all the time, and we are so much in love. It's not a desperate or frantic love, tho...it's a deep and peaceful love now.

You're doing just fine. Hang in there and don't get disappointed when bad days happen. It sounds like your H is trying to make things better. Don't just try to fix what's broken, focus on building something new and unbreakable.

It's possible!

Lori