I have been reading here for several weeks and feel that some of you can help with a problem that I am struggling with daily.
I have been married for 15 years. We are in our 50's and have had a beautiful marriage most of those years. My H had a serious affair/relationship and was with the OW for over 8 months, leaving me to live with her for 2 of those months. They work together and have for 7 years in different departments. He blindsided me as we honestly had a wonderful relationship and marriage. Not perfect but full of love,compatibility, affection, support, respect, a great sex life and more. He tells everyone that what he has done had nothing to do with our marriage lacking or being bad. He got caught up in friendship intimacy and ego stroking and made some terrible decisions that he regrets.There are sites on the internet that explain this if you do not understand how a good marriage can be violated.
We have had some counseling with our minister and we have been doing good but he ended the A by just coming home and did not tell the OW he was ending it with her or anything.Thay had been arguing some and she was upset that he was coming by to see me and talking with me.
She called me and said some horrible things to me and even made threats to burn our house with us in it.She insisted to me that he does love her over and over and asked that he just tell her he does not love her. She was either drunck or drugged out the last time she called me. He refused to tell her anything except that he had told me he was willing to do whatever it takes to keep our marriage. He told her he did not have the backbone to tell her he was coming home and he was sorry. That is all he would say to her in my presence. She called me 3 times telling me that he does love her, along with the many lies that he told her about me and our marriage.I just told her to leave us alone.
This was 15 months ago. The counselor told him a year ago that he needed to tell the OW in front of me that he does not love her, that he lied to her about me and the marriage, that he never wants anything to do with her ever again, that what they did was a terrible injustice to me and to our marriage and that he loves me,and is truly regretful that he allowed himself to do this to the marriage and to me.I had already ask him to tell her.
He has refused to tell her anything for all these months saying that there has been no contact with her in any way since she called my house. He says he wants no further contact with her for any reason. She is a reclusive type person who seems from all I see and hear to be waiting for him.
Is it too late to place closure to this? Do I let it go? How do I do that? Why would he want her to believe he does love her when he is here trying to rebuild our relationship? We are doing good except for this problem and it is bothering me. It's a terrible thought to think of him having contact with her but I feel that there was no closure placed with the affair/relationship and it is just hanging in mid-air waitng to start up again. I have become so depressed over this. I have terrible dreams about it and almost think about it constantly in the last few weeks.
Please help me to know what is the right thing to do in handling this. I read on the Marriage Builders a lot but have found no answer to this when it has been this long after the A.
I have no way of knowing if he has any contact with her on a daily basis and trust is something that I have not completely regained. Is closure a must or has it been too long? Thank you

I vote no contact .... unless SHE is still trying to contact him ... then I change my vote to the "in front of your wife" closure senario. I might amend that to include a third or forth witness as well. She doesn't seem too stable, and whenever confronting a person of questionable stability ... bring a witness.

Good luck!

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Thank you Pepper, for your reply and opinion. If I knew for sure that there has been no contact at work I would feel 100% better about the no closure.He worked in her area everyday for several years and since returning home says that someone else takes the calls for her dept. There are 2 christian men that work with him that knows about the A and they helped alot by talking with him and praying for us while he was involved with the OW. I suggested in the first few weeks that he have one or both of them go with him to talk to her but he just refused. I want to get past this so badly. I am having symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress the last several months and I have been so depressed that I have just wanted to stop living. Not just from the lack of closure, but from the whole thing. I had gotten better with the triggers and thoughts of them together and now it has returned as real as ever.I guess I keep trying to think of something that will help me feel better. His contacting her makes me sick when I think of it but I have wondered what would help.
You are right. She is an unstable woman. She proved that by calling my home several times, knowing he was married and saying the horrible things to me that she did and making the threats that she made and calling so inebriated. I did not bother them while he was with her. The way I let him know that I knew where he was living was by taking his vehicle from her driveway and leaving mine for him. When he came out the next morning to go to work I was taking his picture and never said a word to him.He had told me that he was taking time to himself staying at a male friends house.
I just prayed for him and witnessed to him of my love and God's grace and love. I left pictures of family,us and articles of inspiration in his vehicle at work. I actually got to the point that I was praying for her. I ask God to convict her heart and to block her from my H and remove the feelings she had for him. I asked God to open his heart and mind to the wrong he was doing and to place the love back in his heart for me. She spoke over and over of his love for her but never said even one time that she loved him. He says she has multiple personalities and it is obvious that she has either drug or alcohol problems.
I am new here and I am not known and I sincerely thank you for answering. I do think, most of the time,that it would be detremental for him to contact her, for all concerned. He would not tell me if she was trying to contact him and there are lots of opportunities at work via email(in house), calls,orders for her dept, meeting in the hallways, cafeteria,etc. We do get a lot of phone calls that come up unavailable on the ID and noone will talk when I answer.They usually come in a lot when he has been off from work for a few days.I have placed call tracing on the phone now.
His betrayal was as bad as the A. He deceived me in the most horrible ways. He has no interest in the MB site or any self help programs. I have asked him to sit down with me and read some here but he does not.His attitude is that with enough time everything will be fine as long as he keeps coming home, telling me he loves me and showing it. He will not talk about the A or the OW very much and usually gets angry when it comes up. He says I just keep on and he already has enough guilt about it. I wish I could do just as he wants and forget about it but I am stuck. I do not rage or start fights about it. I try to talk to him in a kind, reasonable way, simply asking questions but he ends up angry so I get my feelings hurt and drop it. I want to let this all go. Oh,dear God how I want to let this go and get it out of my mind!
Thank you again for your kindness and response.

If you happen to come upon a wasp nest ... DON'T go pokin' it with a stick! If the wasps build their nest under your front porch .... call the exterminator!

Treat her like a wasp's nest.

~~~~ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Words to live by.

Take your recovery one day at a time.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Pepper, you are something else! Thanks for placing a big smile on my face. I actually laughed when I read about the wasp nest! You are right. I will leave it alone and say no more. If the pest returns or starts buzzing around, then I will call in some help! I needed the advice and the validation. Thanks a million! I am amazed how much better I feel already.
I have your son in my prayers and ask for a special blessing for you in return for the kindness and encouragement that you send out to so many on this site.