D-Day was September 3, 2002. My wife of 11 years this September 14th, traveled 1500 miles to meet a man she had met playing an on-line game, Everquest. She told me this was the first time they had met. I asked her if they did anything and she told me he hugged her. I asked if they kissed, she said no but that she wanted to and that she thought about something more physical. She came home a day early than she was supposed to. Im unsure if that means anything, except maybe she felt guilty. I don't know for sure what happened and at this point to me it doesn't matter. Just the fact of going 1500 miles to see him is enough. She says she loves me because I am the father of her children, but she can't honestly say she is "In Love" with me.
We have 2 wonderful boys ages 8 and 5. A little background. I had an EA five years ago with
a co-worker in the same place where my wife and I worked, a large hospital. When she was 3 months
pregnant with my second son, I told her I wanted out. Looking back I can’t believe any MAN would
do such a thing. I have felt ashamed for so long and still do. Her sister and I have always had a fun joking relationship. There has always been sexual banter between us. 3 years ago her sister told her I was making passes at her. Luckily for me, everyone in our family had seen what was happening and my wife took my side. Her sister has a life threatening disease and lives about 150 miles away. Their relationship, that was once close, was gone. I know this has had a great impact on her.
I am unsure what to do next. She tells me she was too scared to leave when she found out
about the co-worker, since she was pregnant and all. But that now, she is a stronger person. She has been working out regularly and feels good about herself.
We are both in counseling separately and
she tells me she needs to see if she is able to get past what I have done to her in the past. My
counselor tells me not to separate. He says being there, no matter how hard it is, will show her that I want the marriage to work. I do. I hope my saving grace is that this guy lives 1,500 miles away and
I’m here with her. He cannot move due to family and work. So I know that the relationship cannot
mature. I am being calm, caring and humble with her. Right now we are not talking. She acts as if
me just being there annoys her. I know its only been a week, but does anyone have any advice on what to do next?

Heh:
I come home from work yesterday and askec her if we are going to talk anymore. She says there's not much to talk about. That it is difficult for her to "deal" with this while I am living there. She says she is not sure if she can get "those" feeling back for me while she has to see me everyday. I said then there probably is no alternative except for me to find a place to live. I said we should just sell the house and and go our seperate ways. I walked away saying I will start looking for a place. About 30 minutes later, while I was outside mowing the lawn she tells me she doesnt want me to do anything "drastic." She says not to move out and lets keep going to counseling. She admitted she has feeling for the OM. Actually, her words were I have feeling for you and him. I told her, yeah, but he's 1500 miles away and Im right here. She says that she has to go to counseling and find out how and why she let OM in. I said ok, but we need some grounds rules, because I have been walking on eggshells around you. Do you want me to sleep on the couch, or with the kids or what. She said no, I could sleep in the bed with her, its been fine. This morning she was actually talkative. She asked if I had time to take the kids to school, I said yes. She asked what time my counseling appointment was.
I went yesterday from basically thinking there is no way she wants to be with me to there might be a chance. Anyone else gone through this, I am sure you have. I obviously don't want to get false hopes, and right now I dont have any. But it did make me feel better. Oh yeah, she didn't sleep all night, she was up at about 3:00am.

Toro, I am sorry for the conditions that bring you here, but you came to the right place.

I don't know how much you have read on this site but here is a good starting place.
K's helps for new members

There is a lot for you to do it you want to save your marriage. I recommend counseling. Many don't think they "need" it, but it takes care of a good many of the problems that happen when one tries to tell the other what needs to be done. It's cost is hard for many, but it is much cheaper than divorce.

There are things you can do to improve your marriage. There are things you can do to help her have feelings of love for you again. You can do it right, or you can blow it, the more you learn here, the better chance you have of doing it right.

Please don't tell her you will move, you have more chance of fixing things if you stay with her and meet her needs.

Perhaps the first thing you should do is learn to avoid Love Busting. You will find information on that in the links above. When you have an idea of the basic concepts, come back and ask specific questions as needed.

It is a very serious thing that she is doing, and I don't want to make you feel bad, but many WS's lie about what happened when they meet the OP. I say this so you can prepare what you will do if you find out that more happened that she admitted to. So you can be cool, and calm and continue to plan A. You need to know what is going on, but you need to be able to handle it the right way also. This is going to be a hard thing for you and it will take a while. Get ready for a lot of hard work. ( but it can work, so go after it.)

I can say that I have used the things I have found here and they have helped me a great deal. This stuff really works. Go for it, don't give up.

SS

<small>[ September 10, 2002, 02:18 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

TORO, you came to the right place.

If you follow the concepts here, especially avoiding Love Busting, you will have a good chance of saving your marriage.

I am a broken record about this, but do check with your Doctor about a mild anti-depressant. They will help you keep your cool, and you REALLY MUST keep your cool now.

Anytime you want to get upset with her, suck it up and come vent here. Only validate her feelings, i.e., 'I understand you are upset.' Don't try to 'fix' anything. You cannot. Simply be there to listen. If she lets you sleep in the bed, sleep in the bed. Do NOT act like this is bothering you.

If you get into Plan A NOW, you will avoid all the mistakes I made at first. It took me two months to get myself under control, and it is showing results now. You can do the same. Her OM is a long way off. Don't talk about him unless she brings it up. If it does come up, be detached. This is important!!!

Get the books from this site, Surviving an Affair, and His Needs Her Needs. Read them. Don't show them to your WW just yet. If you learn everything you can about this sort of thing, you can anticipate what comes next, and handle it properly. When nothing comes as a surprise, it is alot easier to handle. Your WW is saying the EXACT same things they all do. You are not alone!

Good luck!

ST

Sad Tiger & Still Seeking:

Thank you for the replies. I am in counseling and she is as well. I am not working on my marriage in counseling, rather I'm working on my self as a person.
I am reading a book suggested by my counselor, Tarrence Real's How Do I Get Through To You. Just started it so I'll let you know how it is.
At home, I have not gotten angry once yet. I have treated her with respect and care. I do not ask about him and I usually just listen to what she says. I have agreed with her on almost everything she has said. Even though some of it I have a problem with.
I think me telling her I would actually move out, either scared or something. She tells me she has a million thoughts in her head. I was kinda glad she didn't sleep much last night.

Thanks again for your replies, they really do help alot.

TORO