I am a 35 year old male, In the military, Currently on temporary duty in Honduras, ive been married now for three years as of sept 3rd. although the last year and a half hasnt been what you would call great, but it has mostly been my fault. i havent physically cheated on my wife, although, on the internet , now that is another story.I wont give the whole story, or what she has done, cause its not about what she has done, its about what i have done.i made plans to meet another female, which , as fate would have it, turned out to be my wife, who after two years of doing this(shes persistant). busted me. i felt bad, not cause i got caught, cause i was stupid, and all of it should have never happened.then, about a month ago, i screwed up even more(yes, if it can be done, i can do it).after me and my wife had it out over the phone, i decided to call someone i knew before i got married,but had never met.i said alot of things that should not have been said.and i know, even though my wife tells me she doesnt know if she wants to stay with me,i know i totally messed up my life.i said things like i never loved my wife, that i regretted not meeting the other girl.and other stuff that i am too embarrassed to say here. all that stuff that was said, should not have been said, cause it was not true, i just got caught up in the moment,i know it sounds like a lame excuse , but its true. i love my wife, and unfortunatly, it looks like its going to take losing her to make me realize it.i am going back to honduras in a week(Im home on leave)and i told her, that i can talk and talk till im blue in the face, but its not going to do anything(especially since she said she does not believe a word i say anymore( and i dont blame her).im am going,even though it may be futile, to show her how much i care, and how much i love her.
i dont know what im looking for when i post this, i expect to get some pretty harsh replies, maybe some advice, but i am mainly posting this as a warning to others, you may think you have discipline when it comes to fantasy(which is what most of the internet is)but you dont, beware before you mess your life up like i did

Djen Dobriy Joseph,
Dont you worry - everybody here has his own story to tell, his own faults to admit, his own grievances to blame someone else for. You came to the right place. As a start, may I suggest you browse the articles here and learn all there is to learn about infidelity. For me, it was a great step forward to understand what I was feeling. Once you're there, try to get your spouse to smarten up on the concepts of relationship and infidelity as well. But the most important:dont grind yourself down, dont burn any bridges. keep healty, eat, sleep, exercise. take one step at a time. and listen to what people have to say here - many are v. experienced and may have good suggestions.
good luck.

My initial thought to your post is that further bad/hurtful activity on your part can only occur with your EYES WIDE OPEN to the possibilities. May I suggest disconnecting your internet service if the temptation is to great. You must develop a plan to prevent reoccurence of your terrible situation. Your spouse will probably be more open to you if you develop a plan, and then share it with her. Even if she doesn't totally believe you can stick to it, she'll know you mean business and that you are trying. Your job is to prove to her that you CAN stick to the plan by doing so!! Over time, she will see this.

Best of luck to you. Remember, life is about CHOICES!! You are not an innocent victim of your own actions.

This is an exercise you may want to try.

You say: "I love my wife".

Make a descriptive list of what YOUR love looks like through your wife's eyes ....

For example, you might say:

"My wife feels loved when I tell her she's beautiful."

or,

"My wife feels loved when I am taking her to the movies."

or,

"My wife feels loved when I fix things around the house."

What are the things that make HER FEEL LOVED?

See ... your feelings, while important, are not the most important part of loving your wife.... if she does not feel, hear, or see your loving actions.... your feelings are not helping her.

"I love my wife" did not stop you from hurting her, did it? So ... actions count more than words, but words count too.

Try this ... and see what you can come up with.

Do you have kids?

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ September 10, 2002, 01:03 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Wow - Military life on it's own is difficult. I suggest you make the most of your week home.

Talk with your wife. Tell her you know she doesn't trust you, and you don't expect her to. Ask her to try to believe in you just a little. If she can try that it's a start. It helped me a lot when my husband said he'd do that. It will help her a lot if you let her know you don't expect her to trust you.

As for the internet stuff - maybe you should loose it to loose the temtation. Or, ask your wife if she'd consider having those types of conversations with you while you are away. It would be fun for the both of you, and could help spruce up your marriage.

Let your wife know that you realize that rebuilding will be hard, and with you away it will be even harder, but that you will give her your heart and sole in this and hope that she won't give up on you just yet.

Now, again, make the most of this week. Reassure and reassure. Sure, she don't believe a word you say, but say it anyway. If she says she doesn't believe you, then say that's ok, but I want to tell you and one day I will give you reason to believe it again. Take her out. Make plans for a nice romantic dinner this week. Do some other things she enjoys. Buy her a nice new sweater or other type of top. Set up candles and ice cream sundas. Dance under the stars to her favorite song. Make the most of this week.

I hope this helps some. If there is anything else I can offer, just ask. I wish you the best. Take care and good luck.